Scarleteen

So, like the gender dysphoria over the past couple weeks has got so bad that I'm losing my appetite, losing sleep and just not doing well at all... My mother also thinks that I'm selfish still for wanting to be myself, and that I'm not really a "girl...", but she also has no trust and says I'm always lying to the point where I've thought I've been lying to myself, and as such doubts I had have gotten bigger, anything from who I am to just my confidence and choices have no security. I also feel like I'm being petty for wanting to be a girl when I could be complaining about other things. What is also concerning is that I have no idea exactly what happens between me, my grandmother and my transition once I turn 18. I know I want seek hormones and other stuff like that, but like... my mother's got it in my head that I won't be satisfied with it or that that's not what I need even though it's what I know what I need... So I guess I'm just lost and sinking fast at the moment?

I think that it's pretty clear now that your mother isn't an accurate source of information about any of this. I get that what she says has a lot of weight with you -- of course it does, she's your mother -- but anything she says about any of this continues to come from a place of complete ignorance since, to my knowledge, she still hasn't made any effort to learn.

I think that trying to think of what might happen, or what you might want years down the road isn't very useful.

It's not petty for you to want your gender affirmed. It's not selfish for you to have your own gender identity and for that to be different than the one your mother wants you to have. Would it be so for your mother or grandmother to want the same for themselves? Just because they're cisgender and you're trans doesn't make any of this more valid for them than you.

I've been a little out of the loop with you lately: were you ever able to get connected with a more local resource to help you out? If not, can we give that another go? It's clear you remain feeling very isolated at home, and it really may not need to be that way, at least not to this degree.

I have local resources, now, my school's GSA is finally back. And like the isolated feeling has died down a bit.

I couldn't be more glad to hear that. have you been able to talk about any of these feelings or struggles there? How about asking whoever is managing the GSA for some help and support with self-care, even if it's as simple as checking in with you about eating?

I have been venting to people at the GSA, but another cool thing is that we actually like learn about LGBT stuff too. Which is helpful, even just having a presence affects a lot both for me and the entire school.

You can also ask for help!

I'm sure venting is valuable, too, and I'm not telling you you need to stop doing that. However, if you're here because you're not eating and otherwise struggling with basic self-care, it sounds like you also need to be asking for more help. That resource is there for you for that, as well. Alas, just being upset doesn't signal to people that we need extra help, and venting also doesn't tell anyone what KIND of help we need.