Scarleteen

Dear scarleteen,

I’ve been going back and forth between wanting to break up/stay with my boyfriend... we’ve been together for a little over a year and a half, but for the past few months I have developed very strong feelings for a different guy. On top of this, I have no attraction or desire to have sex with my boyfriend, and do not see myself marrying him or even see him in my life when I think about the next 2 years. He is 8 years older than me and has finished school whereas I am in school and not even thinking about moving in together/starting a family/spending every night at his. The other guy is much closer to my age and also goes to my school.
The problem is, is that whenever I end up hanging out with my boyfriend, we have a great time and conversations and laugh, but then as soon go home, I end up feeling the same way as I did before hanging out with him. I really don’t know how to break up with him and still care about him, how can I do this without hurting him?

Welcome to our boards, Coolkat.

Have you seen this piece yet? Should I Stay or Should I Go? It's something I made expressly to help people in the kind of spot you're in self-evaluate their relationships and if they want to stick with them or move on. You might find it helpful.

I think that one thing that's really important when making these choices is to not involve anyone else you may have feelings for. After all, this relationship you are currently in and have been in isn't about this new guy, and how you feel about him probably doesn't tell you a lot about this other relationship. (Also, it's usually worth thinking about taking some time and space between love relationships anyway rather than leaving one and going right into another.)

If you do decide to talk about splitting up, one way to do it from the front so it's less hurtful is to do just that: start talking with your current about how you feel instead of waiting, or deciding what you are going to do without including him at all. If this isn't abusive or otherwise unsafe (if it is, ignore this advice), this relationship has been about both of you, so making decisions about it together is usually most respectful to everyone. Plus, it hurts less than when a breakup seems to come totally out of the blue because the other person never shared the information with you that they were dissatisfied, you know?

We can talk more, if you like, about how to do a split with someone in ways that are kind (including that it sounds like if you do split, this is someone you might still want a friendship with, since you still have a good time together), if that's the decision you come to. But know that if this is a relationship he still wants to be in, and has value for, it it probably going to hurt (maybe for you too) no matter what, and while we can minimize hurt, we can't make there be none. That's just kind of how it goes with intimate relationships: if they end, and at other times, there often is going to be some ouch.