Ace or Apathetic?

[J.D.]

So I think I might be asexual but I don’t really know. I’ve done a lot of research online (like AVEN and LonerWolf just to see what the technical definition of it is) but I’ve never really talked about it with anyone else. A few of my friends have asked me if I was, which kinds was was made me start questioning. I want a girlfriend (eventually. I don't really care about dating, but I want one eventually), and to be married and have a family, and even to kiss someone (but just kind of to see what it’s like even though from what my friends say it sounds a lil weird [no judgement, btw]) and cuddle, but I have no desire for intercourse or anything too physical. I’ve never really done any "online research" if you get what I mean, just because I don't really care about it. I’ve never seen a stranger or celebrity (or even a crush) and thought “I wanna get with them!” So can y'all tell if I’m ace, just don’t care about it, or something else? Additionally I'm 15M, if that helps at all.

[Heather]

Hey again, J.D., good to see you on the boards.

Generally, when people identify as asexual, the biggest factor is that they don't feel any desire to be sexual with a partner. Where that can get tricky is figuring out what's sexual. Intercourse usually is for people, obviously, but then, so is kissing. At the same time, that really depends on the kind of kiss/kissing: some kisses are about sexual feelings, as are some desires to kiss people. Other times, kisses and the desire to kiss can just be about platonic affection.

Too, it's not uncommon for people who are 15 to not feel interested in ways of being sexual like intercourse, especially if they aren't even close to someone else in other ways, physically or emotionally. Some people can feel desire for sexual activities abstractly, others just really don't, and only do when they are actually already with or really getting close to someone.

From the sounds of things, this might just be something where you don't have enough information about yourself yet to know the answer to this question, so your answer for now may just be, "I don't know."

How do you feel about all or any of that feedback?

[Kaizen]

And an answer that's a little more definite is "I'm not interested in anyone/interested in dating right now". That's true no matter your eventual answer to the question of being asexual. Even people who aren't have times when they don't want to date or don't have a romantic interest in mind.

[Heather]

(That's an excellent add from Kaizen, too!)

[J.D.]

Oh, yeah, that definitely makes a lot of sense. Honestly, I hadn't thought of that. Sometimes the answer is just "being a teenager who doesn't know all too much", and that's really good to know that it's not really weird or strange or dumb . I'm not saying that people going through the same thing as this are any of those things I just listed above, I just don't really accept myself in the same way that I accept someone else, if that makes sense! So you said something about not having enough information, right? So how do I get some more information in a healthy way? If either of y'all who've responded (or anyone else!!) have any advice about this, or anything you think I should consider (about this or anything else), just let me know!

[Heather]

Whether it's because of age or other factors, not everyone has the same life experiences or opportunities to find things out about themselves. Some people do have a strong sense of their orientation and/or what they want (or don't) sexually at 15: other people feel like they don't know anything at all. Neither is right or wrong: they both just are what they are.

How you get more information is mostly just about paying attention to your feelings over time. To whom (if anyone) do you feel drawn when it comes to any kind of intimacy? Are any of those feelings the kinds you think or know to be your sexual feelings? What do, or don't, you want when it comes to any kind of sex or other physical intimacy? As time passes, you'll probably notice some common threads or patterns which can lead you to more of these answers, or maybe more questions. Make sense?

[J.D.]

Oh, yeah. That definitely makes sense to me. So basically I should just be a little patient, understanding with myself, and open to however I feel (as long as it's within reason and safe)?

Also my school is VERY small, and there aren't a lot of options for dating, either cause I'm really good friends with the girls (which, I'm not bitter about, btw. They're some of my best friends and I don't think I could see myself ever dating them) or I just don't have anything in common with them. And obviously there's the option of meeting people outside of school. But I've only been in one relationship (ironically with one of those girls, it didn't end well but we're great friends now) and it left me with more stress than happiness. My question is if I don't really have the desire to date all that much (not saying I'm against it or anything [if it happens it happens which'll be great], but I just wouldn't seek people out), could I still figure these things out?

[Heather]

Sorry we managed to miss this somehow!

My question is if I don't really have the desire to date all that much (not saying I'm against it or anything [if it happens it happens which'll be great], but I just wouldn't seek people out), could I still figure these things out?

Of course. Really, your sexual identity and orientation is mostly about how you feel and what you want: these are things that can be and often are informed by life experience (which is so not just limited to dating or sex), but that are inside of you.

If it helps to have something to compare it to, think about it this way: a kid can have a strong sense they want to be a doctor when they're older without doing any kind of healthcare on anyone, even themselves. They might figure that out by meeting other doctors, or by reading about doctors. They might simply feel a strong sense of wanting to help others. They might see someone else doing CPR. And sure, later on, that kid might start to have experiences in healthcare that validate what they want, that make them feel more sure of it. Or, they may have experiences that tell them that it actually isn't what they want. But they can figure a lot of this out without direct experience. They also can change their mind anytime, and even if that might come with some feelings, it's no big deal because how someone wants to spend their work-time in life isn't something anyone has to make some kind of lifelong commitment to: people are allowed to change with that.

All the same goes with your sexual identity. Catch my drift?

[J.D.]

It's alright! Y'all have so much more important and urgent things to deal with, I really think that's a good metaphor, and I hadn't thought of it in that way. So I don't know if I can ask this, but since I'm pretty young (15, almost 16), I dont really know. Is it possible for an ace and a sexual person to have a relationship? I don't really know how much sex plays in a relationship. I know that two aces (2 cause I'm not polyamorous, which is a thing right?) can be in a relationship, but I wouldn't really know how fast or slow to go with her considering neither of us wanna have sex. I know I'll learn with experience, but since dating (for the reason of I've been TERRIFIED of being pressured into sex by a partner for as long as I can remember) is one of my biggest stressors, do you have any advice or knowledge?

[Alice O]

Hey J.D.,

Can an ace and a sexual person have a relationship? Totally depends on the people! It depends on where each person is in their life, what they are looking for, and specifically what they are looking for in their relationship with that other person. Navigating that difference would take open communication, but that applies to all relationships.

That also relates to how fast or slow to take things when beginning a relationship. It's hard to know when you are picturing a hypothetical relationship with a hypothetical person. But when you are involved with someone and trying to figure these things out in real-time you will be having feelings, feelings that you can check-in with and articulate, and the other person will be having feelings, feelings that you can ask about and listen to, and together you can navigate how fast or slow to take things. I know it's hard to not have a clearer picture right now! But you can remind yourself that when you are dating or in a relationship, you will have much more information. And in terms of avoiding any pressuring, as you communicate, if you notice that you partner is not respecting your boundaries or is pushing you in these conversations, that will be a sign for you that they are not a good person to be in a relationship with.

There's a lot of stuff out there--magazines, websites, etc.--that are quick to say a relationship between X and Y *will* work, or a relationship between X and Y *won't* work, or *this* is how quickly a relationship should move, or some other reductive statements. But the reality is that each of us--our identities and hopes and fears--are each so unique and complex that those sorts of statements usually aren't true...

[J.D.]

I totally get that. It's really nice to hear that I can have a relationship. It means a lot.