Too Much / Not Enough

[J.D.]

Okay, so I went out on a date with a friend of mine over the weekend. It was good and fun, and we're going out again this weekend! So we aren't really sure if we're a "thing" or not. We've had a conversation about it, and we aren't really sure what we are yet, since we've only been on one date. I know she likes me, and she knows I like her too, though. Sorry about the long introduction. Basically I've only been in one relationship (if you could even call it that) and it was only 3 months long and we moved REALLY slow. This time, I don't wanna move too slow, but I don't wanna move too quickly. I'm not GREAT at picking up cues (in a relationship-y sense) so I don't wanna be totally oblivious, but I don't wanna accidentally go too far and make it uncomfortable (which I'm really nervous about, like putting my arm around her or a kiss cause I thought she was trying to signal at me but she really wasn't). I'll probably have some form of this conversation with her eventually, and I know it totally depends on the person, but are there any ways to tell if she's hinting at something or if I'm reading into something too much?

Additionally, I'd like to note I'm not the type of person who thinks that casual conversations with someone thinks that they like you (I'm just socially and romantically awkward and a lil inexperienced hahaha), it's just that this is my first real relationship and I don't wanna slow it down or speed it up any more than is an appropriate amount (or make her uncomfortable).

[Heather]

The thing is, there’s no “right” pace for anything, for everyone. To find out what’s right in a relationship, we basically just have to be in communication with the other person, both asking questions and doing what we can to be observant of - and responsive to - non-verbal cues. There’s also no one way everyone does those kinds of cues, alas. We get to know that as we get to know someone, which is why communication with words is so important with new things.

I get that can feel super-daunting when a relationship is new AND you’re new to these kinds of relationships, to boot. I also get it’s easy to think that a) there’s no room for error with this and b) if we just pick the right pace for everything, a relationship will go well. But neither are true.

For now, especially while this is only one date new, why don’t you err on the side of slowness when you’re unsure, but otherwise just go with what feels right and just ask questions (like if you can put your arm around her) with things that are about you both?

[J.D.]

I would agree with those points, definitely! And for the slowness thing, I agree with that too, I just was meaning for farther down the road, and I wanted to know what to expect. Sorry if I was unclear about that! And your message of people being so different is a GREAT point. Thanks for the quick response!

[Heather]

Well, you’re not at further down the road yet, and when you are, you’ll have a lot more information to answer these questions with!