How do I go about finding a kinky relationship?

[KoiKitsune]

I'm 15, bigender, and demisexual/romantic. I've been in a lot of relationships but they've never worked out. Whenever I masturbate I get incredibly bored unless I conjure up an elaborate fantasy. I feel like I'm at an age where I'm not quite ready to have sex, but I am open to teasing, masturbating by each other, and other intimate but not quite sex things. I consider myself to be a brat and I really want a relationship where I can express/have a kinky side but I have no idea how to find someone. It's even a little bit harder since I am homeschooled, so I'm not constantly at a wealth of people.
Parent wise, it's just my mom and she's incredibly open and sex-positive, so I don't have many restrictions there.
Am I just not the right age to have an okay sized dating pool for what I want? Is it better to wait?

[Sam W]

Hi KoiKitsune,

The size of your dating pool may be a factor here, if for no other reason than if you have a limited pool of partners, period, then your odds of finding someone with whom you're sexually compatible go down. Do you have hobbies or other things you do that bring you into contact with people your age?

That being said, if you're interested in finding a partner with whom to explore specific sexual things, you go about that process the same way you'd go about finding any sexual partner: find someone you're attracted to and who is attracted to you, and then see if the two of you overlap in terms of what you want from sex or what you're open to trying. Whether you wanted that process to be part of a more "serious" relationship or part of something more casual is up to you and what you feel comfortable with. Does that all make sense?

[Shoop]

At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I think that you may refrain from "hardcore" BDSM for now. Although I am fifteen-years-old, I have experience and research within the community. First of all, it is strictly for adults, who want to interact sexually. There is push-back against underage participants, even those who engage in non-penetrative and non-sexual variants of the lifestyle. Secondly, BDSM is like a hobby for some people. If you make a slip-up, you could injure someone, like parachuting injures people. In order to parachute, you need training.

For BDSM, many places don't offer training to underage people for ethical, legal, and societal reasons. Even finding someone who's similar to you through these clubs may, therefore, pose a risk of ulterior motives. You're not even legally permitted there. Thirdly, I wouldn't practice BDSM with anyone who's your age, either. It's difficult to manage power dynamics without dipping into abuse, especially if you can't recognise or prevent it. Vanilla relationships are difficult enough for adults as it is. You could, also, stand to brush up on your terminology.

[Heather]

A reminder to be kind and gentle in your responses to one another, please.

To be clear, BDSM is not something only legal adults can do or that is strictly "for" adults, any more than any other kind of sex is. And vaginal intercourse can seriously injure people or change the course of their lives, so I think if we're going to talk about possible injury with any kind of sex, we need to be clear that many ways of being sexual pose physical risks. I also don't get the impression the OP was looking into trying to enter adult BDSM communities.

[Shoop]

To be clear, BDSM is not something only legal adults can do or that is strictly "for" adults, any more than any other kind of sex is. And vaginal intercourse can seriously injure people or change the course of their lives, so I think if we're going to talk about possible injury with any kind of sex, we need to be clear that many ways of being sexual pose physical risks. I also don't get the impression the OP was looking into trying to enter adult BDSM communities.

OP was using terms, respective of BDSM, from my experience, namely "brat." In the community, we use Best Practices to acknowledge that all activities can be risky, but some activities have the potential to be moreso than others. For example, edge play (e.g., activities related to fire, electricity, knives, blood, and other decidedly dangerous instruments) requires more precaution than, say, P-in-V, missionary sex. This is not to say that other activities do not need precaution. It is to simply state that most people need more training for more dangerous practices. Here, OP claims to want to reach out to people of similar persuasions to "express her kinky side."

The above implies a desire to pursue training or people from within BDSM circles for mutually sexual activities, if "kink" is short-hand for BDSM, which it is. Therefore, she may note that BDSM training, events, and products technically aren't legally available to minors from respective outlets. Any situation in which these workshops, clubs, and stores are so is dubious. A minor can't appropriately find live information, instruments, or connections to BDSM. Expressing kink without these is barely "kink," unless we imply that she could be and find a responsible, "kinky," underage participant with none of which. There's a slim chance of such, but it would increase the risk.

Source: My experiences, discussing this with various people from within the BDSM community.