So around one year and a half ago I was in a relationship with someone named Rhys and he was quite abusive and there were many negative sexual experiences in that relationship that I think would qualify as sexual abuse, there was never an explicit yes or no but lots of the time I would instigate something and then feel uncomfortable and want to stop but at that point I felt obligated to continue. This is a relationship I have had time to consider and delt with mentally so t does not bother me anymore but its important for the second part to the story so anyways flash forward a few months and I have broken up with Rhys and am now dating a new guy named Kyle.
Now Kyle and I started off the relationship as friends with benefits then started dating but it was weird because the sex was never good. It always felt awkward and forced, it just wasn't enjoyable. I really like making out but not really going farther then that so when I was ready to stop it always ended up that he was pushing for more and would sometimes put his fingers in me forcefully to try and get me in the mood. That happened quite frequently and the last time we had sex before we broke up I was not in the mood but he kept pressuring me and pressuring me so eventually I said yes but it didn't even last longer then three seconds because the second we started I totally freaked out and made him stop. Towards the end I was scared a lot because he was really strong and quite forceful and I always had the thought in the back of my mind that if he really wanted to he could do whatever he wanted which scared me a lot. It has been almost six months since that relationship and I think I am just starting to deal with it now.
I have flashbacks of a lot of things that happen and they are always uncomfortable and almost scary.
I just don't know what to make of the situation because I do not think of it as rape but I think it probably can be classified that way? It sounds very cut and dry on paper like it should be a no girl thats clearly not okay situation but it never felt that way in the moment. It was always just uncomfortable and bad in the moment but usually scary. I don't know. What do you think I should make of this? Was it rape? What are the flashbacks and why do I keep having them?
Thank you for reading so long xx
Was it bad?
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Sam W
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Re: Was it bad?
Hi Wesley97,
I'm so sorry that there have been multiple people who felt that their desires trumped your boundaries and who pushed past them in that way. You're right that what Kyle did is considered sexual assault, given that it sounds like he put a lot of pressure on you and used force more than once. But if calling it that doesn't feel comfortable to you right now, that's okay. You get to decide how you want to label what happened, and how you want to define it may change as you get more time to process it.
Having flashbacks in the way you're describing is something plenty of survivors experience. Sexual assault almost always results in trauma of some kind, and flashbacks are just one of the ways that your brain may react to that trauma. Those flashbacks can, as you've discovered, suck in a big way, but there are way to try and reduce their frequency or how intense they are. If you'd like, we could give you a few resources on how to cope with those flashbacks. Too, have you received any counseling for what happened in either or both of these past relationships? If not, is that something you'd be open to exploring? Working with someone who's trained to counsel sexual assault survivors can go a long way towards helping you deal with things like flashbacks.
I'm so sorry that there have been multiple people who felt that their desires trumped your boundaries and who pushed past them in that way. You're right that what Kyle did is considered sexual assault, given that it sounds like he put a lot of pressure on you and used force more than once. But if calling it that doesn't feel comfortable to you right now, that's okay. You get to decide how you want to label what happened, and how you want to define it may change as you get more time to process it.
Having flashbacks in the way you're describing is something plenty of survivors experience. Sexual assault almost always results in trauma of some kind, and flashbacks are just one of the ways that your brain may react to that trauma. Those flashbacks can, as you've discovered, suck in a big way, but there are way to try and reduce their frequency or how intense they are. If you'd like, we could give you a few resources on how to cope with those flashbacks. Too, have you received any counseling for what happened in either or both of these past relationships? If not, is that something you'd be open to exploring? Working with someone who's trained to counsel sexual assault survivors can go a long way towards helping you deal with things like flashbacks.
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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wesley97
- not a newbie
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- Location: Vancouver Island
Re: Was it bad?
Hi Sam,
I have had counselling for other things but never to specifically talk about those experiences. I am open to counselling and was thinking of going to my schools counselling centre but their weight times are very long and the services are not specific to any particular kind of trauma. I would really appreciate getting more information on how to deal with flashbacks from you.
Thank you
I have had counselling for other things but never to specifically talk about those experiences. I am open to counselling and was thinking of going to my schools counselling centre but their weight times are very long and the services are not specific to any particular kind of trauma. I would really appreciate getting more information on how to deal with flashbacks from you.
Thank you
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Sam W
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10320
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: Was it bad?
Okay! One option is to find a local sexual assault survivors resources, since it sounds like they'll be easier to get into than the school's counseling center as well as able to offer more specialized help. Are you comfortable telling me which Victoria you live in so we can find a local resource?
This article outlines the different steps you can try when dealing with a flashback: https://psychcentral.com/lib/coping-with-flashbacks/ . You also welcome to look on the message boards here for places where other users have discussed coping with flashbacks, and the message boards at Pandora's Project can also be a great resource ( http://pandys.org/forums/ ). One tool I want to highlight from that article is the idea of finding grounding tools for yourself to help you come out of flashbacks, because it's something you can start working on today and have ready for the next time. Some people will make a grounding box or kit containing items that engage the five senses in a way that brings them back into the present moment (sour candy, a favorite soap or lotion, something that's comforting to touch like a smooth rock). Does making something like that sound like it would be a helpful project for you?
This article outlines the different steps you can try when dealing with a flashback: https://psychcentral.com/lib/coping-with-flashbacks/ . You also welcome to look on the message boards here for places where other users have discussed coping with flashbacks, and the message boards at Pandora's Project can also be a great resource ( http://pandys.org/forums/ ). One tool I want to highlight from that article is the idea of finding grounding tools for yourself to help you come out of flashbacks, because it's something you can start working on today and have ready for the next time. Some people will make a grounding box or kit containing items that engage the five senses in a way that brings them back into the present moment (sour candy, a favorite soap or lotion, something that's comforting to touch like a smooth rock). Does making something like that sound like it would be a helpful project for you?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
-
wesley97
- not a newbie
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2018 9:27 pm
- Age: 25
- Awesomeness Quotient: I am planning on hiking the Pacific Crest Trail
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: Vancouver Island
Re: Was it bad?
Victoria in British Columbia, Canada. I think the school I go to has a specific group to help with sexual assault but I don't feel as comfortable going to something at my school just because I don't want people to recognize me or anything like that..
I have created grounding boxes in the past and those have helped a bit. I'll do some searching through the forums and see what I can find there as well.
I have created grounding boxes in the past and those have helped a bit. I'll do some searching through the forums and see what I can find there as well.
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Mo
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Re: Was it bad?
It looks like the Victoria Sexual Assault Centre is a local resource for you; they have a phone number you can call to get information about their services or talk to someone there.