Scarleteen

Ok I’m here!!

Should I type in my current situation again or??

So I’m a 16 year old girl, currently in a relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years and we are sexually active. He uses the “pulling out” method since it has worked for almost a year but we had an incident this year where he thought he came inside me. He was a little scared and I was nervous at first too. But then I got really happy at the thought of being pregnant, excited even!! I took a pregnancy test and it came out negative...I cried and was really sad after for a few days. I really want a baby despite my young age and I secretly hopes he ejaculates inside whenever we have sex. Can someone help me, please??

Thanks for opening a new thread!

So, there are a few different aspects to this. First off, it may help to think about why you want a baby? For example, some people want one to have something to take care of, others because they think it will make a partner stay with them, and lots of other reasons. Knowing where that desire is coming from can help you figure out how to approach it and deal with it. You may also want to give this advice column a read, as it deals with wanting a baby as a teenager: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... _or_slutty

The other aspect is that it sounds like your boyfriend definitely does not want to help create a pregnancy right now, and that's something you need to respect. Since it sounds like he's already experienced one pregnancy scare along with you, is there a reason the two of you haven't switched to a more reliable method of contraception than pulling out?

Well, I want a baby so that I can have something to look forward to, something that makes me truly happy. I know I need to respect his wishes and I try my best to not engage in any sexual activity because it just leads to me thinking about a baby and just gets me depressed. We always forget to get condoms.

My want for a baby just seems to grow and it’s all I ever think about... I’ve even started to think about being a single mother without my boyfriend’s help

Got it. So, what I'm hearing is that you don't feel like there is much in your life to look forward to or that makes you happy. Is that right? Or are there other things in your life that make you feel fulfilled and excited?

As Heather mentions in that article I linked you to, what we think of when we think of having and caring for a baby is often very, very different from the reality of it. I like how they phrase it in the following paragraph:
"I always find the idea of "having a baby" a little off. When someone becomes pregnant and then delivers, they don't have a baby for long. They have a person, a person who's only a baby for a very brief part of their lives. I think the idea many people have that having a baby is something for them, and is someone who will give them things, fill their need, is also backwards. A parent is for a child way more than a child is for a parent. The person who needs to supply unconditional love isn't a child, it's their parent. People who come to parenting understanding it's something they are primarily offering a child, rather than the other way around, and have enough of their own esteem and fill enough their own emotional needs already, who get that parenting is about way more give than get on their part? Those parents seem to handle the challenges of parenting best and also be better parents for their children. " Babies, and the children (and teens, and adults) they grow into aren't the key to true happiness, and having one while under that impression is setting both you, the kid, and any partner up for a very rough time (and that's before we get to the fact that you'd be parenting as a teen, which carries it's own set of difficulties to navigate).

It's good that you've recognized that engaging in vaginal sex isn't a good choice for you right now. With condoms, what leads to you two forgetting them?

Yeah, I do feel like that. We always say that we aren’t going to do anything but things always escalate :/

Well, but when sexual activities happen, it's not "things escalating," it's people choosing to do those things and actively making those things happen.

Do you have any sense of if it's you doing sexual things and also choosing not to grab a condom, him or you both?

We’ve recently had sex not that long ago and he put it back in after ejaculating, the month just started but I’m waiting for me to either miss or get my period. I’ve been getting these cramps and have been having a lot of thick discharge. I looked that up and it’s one of the early symptoms of pregnancies..I’m just going to wait until the end of the month to get my period and if I don’t, then I’ll need to take a pregnancy test.

Again, it sounds like withdrawal is not a good option for your partner and you. Can you answer Heather's question about the process that goes into you two choosing not to use a condom?

Sam W wrote:Again, it sounds like withdrawal is not a good option for your partner and you. Can you answer Heather's question about the process that goes into you two choosing not to use a condom?

He usually wants to get right to it or forgets where he put them. I just go with whatever he wants

Okay, so we know one of the big problems here (and it probably isn't a problem in this relationship only here, I'll bet): you're giving up all your agency, and responsibility, to someone else in this. Suffice it to say, that's an awful setup for a kid if their parent is inclined to do that, but before we even get there. it's an awful setup for you and your life. Especially with such high-stakes stuff -- and where the stakes aren't high for the other person at all -- as potentially becoming pregnant and being in the driver's seat of your sex life.

There are a couple (hopefully) easy fixes to this, if you're open:
1) Get your own condoms and lube. Don't make it only one person's responsibility to have them, especially when that person isn't the one at real risk if they aren't used and they have shown you they can't manage that responsibility. You should each always have them on you.
2) Start saying no. Probably sex isn't the greatest for you if your partner is just "getting right to it" anyway, but if them wanting to satisfy themselves wins over real big deal risks to your life and health -- and to your wants and needs in sex mattering, too -- that's pretty messed up, don't you think? Say no if and when he wants to just tend to his wants. Ask for what you want, too. And insist that condoms be used if he wants to have that kind of sex with you, and if he isn't using them, he doesn't get to have that kind of sex.
3) In a similar vein, start making your sexual life -- what happens in it, how and when it happens, the responsibility involved, the choices involved -- about BOTH of you, not whatever he wants. Make clear in a talk very soon that has gone on and needs to stop: for your health, for you to not become a parent sooner than you could actually parent well (which is likely not anytime soon from the sounds of things), and because sex is supposed to be about both of your wants and both your pleasure, anyway.

How does any or all of that sound to you? Doable?

Heather wrote:Okay, so we know one of the big problems here (and it probably isn't a problem in this relationship only here, I'll bet): you're giving up all your agency, and responsibility, to someone else in this. Suffice it to say, that's an awful setup for a kid if their parent is inclined to do that, but before we even get there. it's an awful setup for you and your life. Especially with such high-stakes stuff -- and where the stakes aren't high for the other person at all -- as potentially becoming pregnant and being in the driver's seat of your sex life.

There are a couple (hopefully) easy fixes to this, if you're open:
1) Get your own condoms and lube. Don't make it only one person's responsibility to have them, especially when that person isn't the one at real risk if they aren't used and they have shown you they can't manage that responsibility. You should each always have them on you.
2) Start saying no. Probably sex isn't the greatest for you if your partner is just "getting right to it" anyway, but if them wanting to satisfy themselves wins over real big deal risks to your life and health -- and to your wants and needs in sex mattering, too -- that's pretty messed up, don't you think? Say no if and when he wants to just tend to his wants. Ask for what you want, too. And insist that condoms be used if he wants to have that kind of sex with you, and if he isn't using them, he doesn't get to have that kind of sex.
3) In a similar vein, start making your sexual life -- what happens in it, how and when it happens, the responsibility involved, the choices involved -- about BOTH of you, not whatever he wants. Make clear in a talk very soon that has gone on and needs to stop: for your health, for you to not become a parent sooner than you could actually parent well (which is likely not anytime soon from the sounds of things), and because sex is supposed to be about both of your wants and both your pleasure, anyway.

How does any or all of that sound to you? Doable?

We’ll start using condoms, thank you so much!!