Scarleteen

Hi, I'm 23, a virgin, and dating a really great guy who's more sexual than I am. He's never pushed me, pressured me, he's been extremely patient with me and when we are fooling around if I don't want to do something or want to stop he just says okay and moves on. We've been dating for six months and done pretty much everything but penetration sex. The thing is. I had an idea that I didn't want to lose my virginity until I felt completely comfortable with someone (check), was enjoying myself sexually ( semi-check), and had the desire to do so that I had no doubts about it. I don't really enjoy him performing oral sex on me, I don't enjoy fingering, we haven't used toys I think he is uncomfortable with them. The only thing that feels good to me sexually so far is like rubbing or dry humping, which he isn't a huge fan of and he's only okay with it for a minute or so. I got some great advice from a cousin who said it's pressure, she said she didn't really enjoy sexual activities until she had sex and was on top and had more pressure on her labia and clitorus. What I struggle with is letting go and trying sex to see if that helps increase my pleasure and desire and give me some anxiety and mental relief. Sex is something I've thought about 24/7 for YEARS and not always in a good way, but in a back and forth way, what happens when I'm not a virgin, what happens if I hate it, what happens if I do it and he hates it, what happens if I do it and it's so uneventful that I become even more hopeless about it? He's expressed that he wants to move forward and have sex, he thinks that our relationship will be more intimate and he thinks a whole new level of closeness will come out of it. But I'm so unsure. On one hand, if I do it, and with someone I trust and who is so good to me and has no issue with using contraception and lubricants etc. the relief of it being over could improve my quality of life and relationships, on the other hand if it's horrid and even penetration doesn't work I don't know where else to turn. Some important things to note.....

. I masturbate ( oddly not as much as I used to now that I'm dating him, desire and sexual tension has all gone out the window and I wonder if it is the stress of it) and can always finish, though sometimes I feel stupid after doing so, like I could be doing this with another person and wouldn't that be more enjoyable?
. I am comfortable with my body and others bodies
. Communication between me and my boyfriend is excellent, almost too excellent that it takes the romance and passion out of a lot of things I guess
. I've had sexual desire with someone before but there was no emotional connection and it was more of a rebound relationship, that was the only time ever though
. I've read damn near every article on this website, regarding sexual desire, orgasms, libido, relationships, proposals, and it helps a lot and I identify with a lot of girls which is nice to know I am not the only one. I felt like a sociopath for not enjoying oral because so many women are always sayings its the best thing ever
. I have so much anxiety about sex that if I get my period I'm relieved because that means I don't have to think about it or put in the effort for it if he suggest fooling around
. Sex is WAY MORE WORK than I thought it would be, and I always thought it would come naturally and be kind of easy? Like it would be so natural and enjoyable most of the time that I'd welcome the idea of sexual activity at the end of a bad/hard day, a good day, morning, night, noon, whenever.

Does it get easier once you do it? Should I just try it and see if it helps?
He's only been upset with me once about it, and I'll never feel bad for saying no, but he did say he doesn't know what else to do to make me feel comfortable and to feel good and that the ball is in my court. He said he feels like we are in more of a friendship than a relationship and I just don't know what to do. I've never had someone treat me with so much respect physically and emotionally. It was exactly what I was looking for and even more. So why do I have so much of a hangup on trying sex and why is it so hard to achieve sexual desire?

Thank you

Hi Begonias,

Welcome It sounds like you've done a lot of thinking about this, so let's take a deep breath and step back a moment.

Ok, first question: what motivates YOU to be sexual with your partner? Is it about how you and he both feel in the moment? Is it because THIS THING is the thing you most want to be doing right now? Or...is it because of what you hope it will be, or think it should be like?

What I'm getting at is that sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and try and race to some arbitrary finish line rather than enjoying the scenery. I mean, the fun of a road trip isn't in getting to a particular destination, it's in hanging out with someone great, sharing stories and junk food and taking cool detours. I think sex is like that too. When we focus on a goal (e.g. vaginal intercourse) we put pressure on ourselves, we stop enjoying the ride, and we often get stressed out. Thing is, for a lot of people pressure and stress are the enemy of desire. A lot of us, when we're worrying about where we're going to go with something, or if we're going to enjoy X activity, end up spectatoring - like we're watching ourselves and narrating and analysing what's going on - instead of being present and enjoying the moment, or taking an active role in suggesting something we thing we DO want to do.

Because of this, I don't think that trying vaginal intercourse to 'fix' the situation is likely to work. That's not to say that I don't think you'll ever enjoy vaginal intercourse, just that I think that first you need to work on the letting go, as you pointed out. By letting go, I am not talking about letting go of your boundaries, I am talking about letting go of the pressure you're putting on yourself to enjoy X or Y thing.

You raised a lot of good points in your post, and I don't want to overload you right now, but there are a couple of things that we can talk about more if you like:
- people experience varying levels of sexual desire throughout their life, or even a particular year or week
- it's great that you masturbate, and no; partnered sex isn't necessarily more or less enjoyable, just different
- if sex feels like work, or is making us unhappy, that's usually a sign that we need to step back for a bit

So what can you do right now? First, I think you need to sit down and figure out what YOU want from your sexual life right now, and then have a really honest conversation with your partner, because right now it doesn't sound like the sexual aspect of your relationship is working for either of you. I would suggest you take the things you aren't feeling into right now off the table for a bit, and talk about the things you DO really like, and explore them a bit more - alone and together. Give yourself space to feel pleasure and desire without pressure. What do you think?

On slowing down:
Yield for Pleasure

On desire:
How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire

On your sexual self:
10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)

On talking to your partner:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner