This is Creepy, Y'all.

[J.D.]

First off, I don't know if this counts in relationships, so if y'all moderators want, I can put this in another area. Okay, so I talked about this with Heather, but I'll happily field answers from anyone. So I'm straight 15M at a pretty small school. Because our school is so small, a lot of us who don't necessarily know each other hang out occasionally, so there are 3 or 4 big groups. Weirdly enough, most of my friends belong to my group, but have a lot of friends in another group. So my friend (we're all sophomores, btw), let's call her "Ann", has a good friend called "Toby." I don't really know Toby, but he's gotten REALLY into me recently, and it's freaking me out. It's delving into stalker territory, and as I said earlier, when I talked to Heather, she said it was borderline harassment. JSYK for anyone else, he's following me around, eavesdropping on me, trying to get closer to me in a physical sense (i.e. one time he kept trying to hold my hand and was really insistent on it and he dried to dance on me once, in public). I've left when he made me uncomfortable, giving him the benefit of the doubt, and I've made it clear that I'm straight and DEFINITELY not interested, but it hasn't done anything. Anne has said something to him about me being straight but he talked to another friend about how he thought I was gay and how we'd be so cute together. Keep in mind, we barely know each other at all. He then talked to Ann and another friend of mine who's like a sister to me, let's call her "Lindsey", about how much he liked me. He then kept hanging out with Lindsey and got a Grinder and showed her a bunch of stuff and said some REALLY nasty stuff about me that was like really sexual and inappropriate when she was being clear that she didn't wanna ta;k about it. Yesterday, Lindsey told him to chill, and he screamed at her (via Snapchat) about how she and I were making everything up and he freaked out. She told me this is a common theme with his crushes (like stalking them and stuff), and that it'll be okay. He hasn't said anything to either of us today, so I don't know if this is over, but I'm still really freaked out and disturbed. I was gonna talk to him about it but Lindsey did that so I don't know if I need to if he's gonna back off now? I'm just really shook, and wanted to tell someone about this. If he doesn't do anything else, should I just let it be? Should I talk to him regardless? I mean he knows I'm straight, but clearly that doesn't matter to him. I'm sorry I'm frenetic, I'm just really shook. Usually when someone likes me, it's a lot more normal, and I know them pretty well, and it's actually in the gender I'm attracted to. Not a stalker guy who I don't even really know or like. Additionally, this is all really embarrassing for me, and my friends don't realize how weird this is so they're treating it as a joke, and it's really making me annoyed/mad.

TL;DR: I'm straight. He's not. He won't leave me alone. It's freaking me and my friends out. Please help. Also it's maybe over? IDK

[Sam W]

Hi J.D,

Hooooly cow that is an incredibly stressful situation to be dealing with right now. What this guy is doing is definitely in harassment territory, and it sucks that he is not only making you uncomfortable but also dragging your friends into this situation. The fact this is a pattern with him is not all that reassuring, since it means he keeps doing this and at least some of his friends are taking the "that's just how he is" approach.

You're already doing a good job of making it clear you're not interested, so something you might ask of your friends is to not engage with him if he brings up his feelings for you again. They could say something like, "J.D has already made it clear he's not interested, I don't want to talk about this anymore" and then hold that boundary and end the interaction if he freaks out or pushes. I think it's also totally okay to ask any friends who are treating this as a joke to not do that, because this is very clearly stressing you out (and also isn't really a joking matter). You're also well within bounds to set a boundary where you're not in the same space as him as much as possible, and ask your friends to not have him hang out if they know you're going to be there. Do those feel like things you could ask of your friends?

If some of this is happening at school, would you be comfortable talking to a teacher or administrator about what's happening just so an adult on campus has an idea of what's going on in case this guy doesn't stop or escalates? And, in that vein, how do you feel in terms of your safety? Do you feel like he might start to get more physical or otherwise escalate how he's acting? You mentioned you think (and I'd imagine hope) that this is over, but if it isn't these are things it helps to consider.

[J.D.]

Hi, Sam. Thanks for the response, and you're right. This is VERY stressful haha. So I've known he had a thing for me for about maybe a month, and at first it was just a thing here or there, so it seemed harmless, then about a week or two ago is when it escalated and when I found out he was talking to that one girl, "Lindsey" about me in a persistent and VERY sexual way nonstop. I don't exactly blame my friends for teasing me, because we were all joking about it because we thought it wasn't very severe at first. I'd like to inform them of what's happening, but I don't wanna take the time to explain it all again, plus I don't really feel like telling some of them. I feel like some would judge me or I don't know, I just feel really weird and uncomfortable and sort of ashamed. With my friends, it's really only one or two of them, and only one is an actual friend of his. I may be able to ask her to stop (the one that's actually his friend), but I don't think it'd really work. Additionally, it's ALL happening at school (except some of it was on a field trip), but I don't know who I could tell. I have a good reputation around my school, and I COULD tell a number of teachers or administrators, but I feel super embarrassed and like everyone will judge me and think I'm gay because of that (not that I judge, it's just that if you're into girls, you don't want them thinking you're into guys, ya know?). Additionally my mom works at the school, and his dad is my cross country coach. I really like his dad, and he doesn't know that "Toby" is bisexual, and he and my mom are friends. So I feel like if I tell a teacher or administrator, my family will find out, and I'll be judged, but that might just be my anxiety speaking. I hope this is going to be over soon, but I have no idea where this is going to go. What do you think I should do, based off of what I said about my circumstances? THANKS SO MUCH, ALSO.
(Additionally, I don't mean to sound prideful, but I'm a little bigger and much stronger than he is, so if he did try to force something on me, I could get him to stop, so I thankfully don't have to worry about being assaulted)

[Heather]

Honestly, from the sounds of things, if it isn't you who tells an adult about his behaviour, someone is going to, because he's being so loud and overt about it.

Personally, I think your best bet is to tell your parents: they actually sound like they'd be good choices of who to tell even if they weren't your parents. But I'd suggest you tell someone. Someone thinking you're gay (who cares?) or judging you for not being okay with harassment sounds pretty small and like a lot less invasive and awful than this harassment continuing and escalating. Too, maybe you feel you aren't at risk of his assaulting you because of your size, but others may not have that advantage. And if he's harassing or being abusive to you and some of your friends, he may well be doing it to -- or later do it to - others. I'm not saying you're responsible for others safety from him, you're not. But since you suggest you feel so safe, if someone is going to report him to someone who can do something more about it, you sound like a better candidate that someone else who feels more vulnerable, either because they are actually ARE gay or otherwise not-straight, or they are smaller, or their parents don't work at the school, etc. You know?

[J.D.]

I definitely get that. The only reason i said anything about not wanting people to think i’m gay is becuase there’s a girl who i might have a shot with and i don’t want her to think that i’m not a dating option. i know it’s dumb, and i’ve tried getting over it, but i don’t really know. Additionally, i feel like the thing about me being bigger (and i’m not even really big: i’m 5’6, 130lbs) was kind of a dumb comment and i instantly regretted it when i sent it. today, he didn’t get in contact with me at all, but he was acting really rude to a friend of mine who got caught up in it. i usually try to handle things on my own, and typically i do alright, i just feel really tired af the end of the day. But like you said for this, i should probably get someone involved. i’m thinking of not doing anything if he leaves me alone and leaves my friends alone, but if he’s rude or creepy even one more time, i’ll tell him to BACK OFF. if he still doesn’t listen, i’ll get teachers and parents involved to sort this out. does that sound like a good plan, or should i go ASAP to someone even if he is laying off starting now? and about the points you made about me reporting it, i definitely understand what you’re talking about and i’m not as afraid to do it anymore!

[J.D.]

Additionally, i feel i should add about the whole “not wanting people to think i’m gay” thing, is that i’ve been a little bit unsure of what i am, orientation-wise. basically, and i know how dumb this sounds, believe me lol, but i’m pretty self conscious and i don’t want people figuring me out or thinking they’ve figured me out before i have, which sounds scary to me. i realize that this is probably a different post for a different day and a different thread, but i just wanted you to have a bit more of the full story.
(also i’m not like homophobic or anything at all btw. like you do you. i mean my friend said he thought i was gay for about a month, and i just laughed it off. i realize it looks like i’m overcompensating, but i really don’t wanna be misconstrued into looking hateful or ignorant)
AGAIN SUPER DUPER SORRY MY POSTS ARE SO LONG

[Sam W]

Hi J.D

I think it would be sound to at least let your parents know what's been going on with this guy. It can be tempting to hope that this latest incident was the end of things with him (and that may turn out to be the case), but if it isn't it will be much better to have told your parents about the situation if this dude continues to harass you because they'll already be up to speed on what's been going on. Too, as Heather mentioned, it would be good for at least one person who works at the school to know that this has been happening and that it is a serial behavior with this guy. Telling your parents let's you accomplish that as well, and may help set something in motion that prevents him from continuing to harass you or other people in the future.

It's okay to want people to have the right information about your orientation, especially if it's something that your own feelings are kind of up in the air about lately. There's also the fact that you're still dealing with a situation where someone is insisting you don't know your orientation as part of a bigger attempt to try to get you to do what they want, which may also be a part of you not wanting other people to misidentify your orientation (after all, even if you know intellectually that most people will adjust accordingly if you correct them about how you identify, your gut may still be worried that they'll react how this guy has been). Does that make sense?

[Jacob]

Hey J.D.!

I think the advice Sam and Heather have given is spot on, and I don't have much to add in terms of advice, but I did want to drop in with some solidarity.

I really really relate. My experiences have been slightly different, but the way it makes you feel, as you describe it, is something I recognise. It something that's very frequent between guys and I'm glad you feel ok talking about it. It took me a long time to realise some of the things you're expressing here. So go you.

Basically, the fact that you are questioning your sexuality, and he is not only doing a terrible job of being any kind of example of what open bisexuality/queerness could be like (if that is even a fit for you), but furthermore is ignoring your boundaries and behaving abusively, can be extremely hurtful, regardless of physical size or ability. On top of that, it's such a big road block for your own exploration of who you are, as you're left here worrying about how you manage him, and how he's made your sexuality all about him. It should not be your responsibility to do the work, and yet you're in this position.

One positive about telling someone with power, is that it makes it less your problem. Asking other people to deal with it takes t off your shoulders, and that can be really freeing and give you a chance to process and get back to "you doing you" as you put it.

Any case, just know that you have some support here!

[J.D.]

Thanks so much for the support for all of y'all! I think he's done now (hopefully). He was (idr if I mentioned this or no) a little snarky to a friend afterwards but he's leaving me and my friends alone to the most part, which is pretty good. I don't want to blow this up into a huge deal if he's done with this, but if he tries to do ANYTHING again, I'll tell people. My school's really small and even minor things blow up really quickly. I'm still a little shook, in all honesty, but I'm feeling better. I have my first actual (I've had a few but they weren't really "real") date tomorrow so I'm excited about that! But it helps so much that I have support here, and it's helped me get through this. I honestly was about to do what y'all said, but miraculously stopped, cold turkey.
If this next question is more appropriate for a different thread, I totally get it, but is asexuality considered queerness? Cause I know it's technically LGBTQIA+ (are there more on the list? I know there's more orientations but like more in the acronym) but I've heard both that it is and that it isn't.

[J.D.]

And sorry for the late response I haven't been online recently cause of a HUGE algebra test I had to study for.

[Jacob]

Hey JD! Late responses all around. I'm glad it worked out though, and I hope your date went well too.

As for queerness... that's very individual. I don't think it's for anyone to tell anyone else what is and isn't part of their queerness you know?

For me queerness is everything that makes me feel connected to other queer people, and out-of-the-ordinary enough to need that connection, even if the only thing connecting us is that feeling of not fitting into what others would call 'normal' sexuality (and that changes all the time too).

[J.D.]

I totally understand it thanks a lot.