Scarleteen

Hi everybody.
I'm just venting here. I kind of need an outlet—someone to mirror my experience—and I don't want to bug my roommate, my mom, my best friend, the other people I talk to about this stuff any more than I already have. Thank you for your service and compassion on this website. It's helped me a ton.

I'm a first year university student in the US. I study a very niche discipline. I'm very serious about my career, and have high goals. I initially was hoping to attend a private university that offers specialized training, but unfortunately can't afford private school, and thus am at a big state university. Which is okay by me. Learning is just learning.

I love people, but am very introverted. This is something I've observed in myself lately, especially in the past week. It coincidentally also happens to be the exact words of a remark my best friend here at university/my ex-boyfriend made about me one of the first times we ever talked. I guess you could say that he knew me off the bat.

Since I am very school-focused, introverted, I've felt like it's my fault that I don't have other close friends than him and my roommate. There's plenty of other wonderful people on this campus whom I'd like to get to know. I used to think it was that I was being lazy, not getting out and making friends; now I just realize that it's okay if listening to people fatigues me. You really get to know people slowly, anyway.

I think I am finally getting to know my friend/ex. I talked to him once or twice in the hall Fall term; we actually had a proper conversation for the first time two months ago. Since I'm in a niche, rigorous discipline, introverted, and simply a freshman, I had no real friends prior to him at this big university where people generally like football, frat parties, and really all manner of things that are not what I do. (I'm not complaining—I don't have a grudge against sports types of people in general.) We're nerds about all of the same things. Okay, so we're classical musicians, and we know all of the same music down to a T, and found upon first meeting that we share almost all of the same opinions and insights about it. He is an expert in his field in many ways; and considering that I was hoping to go to private school for music, you could say that as a musician I'm a bit of a scarce commodity around here. I can play violin concertos and sonatas, and he knows every Haydn symphony down to the measure, the length of each section, the proportions of sections within movements, every voice leading. We hit it off fast. Whereas Fall term, I was spending all of my time practicing (or okay, sometimes doing homework, going running, or binge eating ice cream), I suddenly spent all my free time plus some in the company of A, talking about the things that we were uniquely passionate about. He'd get off of work at 9:00, and we'd go to Shari's and get tea and pie and talk about Schubert lieder; or we'd besiege a practice room in the music building, and I'd sit too close to him while he played through and discussed Beethoven piano sonatas. A originally had wanted to be a professional pianist, a recitalist and university professor, but a few misfortunes had stopped him from continuing to play. One of these is that he developed severe tendonitis, and now he can't play for more than two hours at a time. After not having played for a few years, he started planning all sorts of concerts we could play together, daydreaming about what music we'd do together fantastically.

You may notice that I refer to his injury in the past tense. A is not a university student. I'm 19, just turned 19 (he sent me the sweetest message on my birthday). A is 24, and is on the university faculty. This is where some problems begin.

I reapplied for private music schools this February. I was fairly sure after one audition that I'd gotten in to what was one of my dream schools. (Turns out, I'm waitlisted. Boo.) Immediately after my meeting with the professor at that school, I checked my phone as a reward for myself for a good audition—and saw that A had called. I called him back. He asked how it went. I told him that I thought I'd gotten in, and the chemical effect of this interchange was markedly stronger than either of us had expected. A said, "I'll miss you so much. So, so much, Faust. I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm hit pretty hard. I didn't expect to be hit so hard by this news."

I didn't even get in. O, Fortuna.

After the auditions were over, I was in this weird limbo with my studies where one major goal of the year—really of my past several years—was over, and all of a sudden I had the rest of the academic year, at least of the trimester, stretching out unvarnished before me. I didn't have a concrete deadline that was looming anymore. So what did I do? When a practice day started getting difficult, I might check my phone only to see "Missed Call from A", or some days, he'd flat show up at the door of my practice room...

There were a few dramatic weeks. I'd initially thought that my crush on the 24-year-old faculty pianist I was working with would blow by quietly, unseen, discrete. Surely he would not reciprocate my affection; he'd probably just be mildly annoyed, let me down softly, and we'd proceed to play Schubert violin sonatas together. I was very very wrong. Gradually, it became more obvious that A was attracted to me as well. He's usually an affectionate person, but his hugs started turning more affectionate than just an affectionate platonic friend hug. Once it became too obvious, he broke it to me in a serious conversation that we couldn't date—he'd decided that it would be inappropriate, given that he thought (oh, he thought – so cute, so sweet) that I'd be moving at the end of the school year, that I was younger than him, all of the red flags he saw, which shall be detailed at the end of this ramble. This was on a Friday, after a noontime concert we were attending. I nodded and said I thought his reasoning was correct—I wanted to be good, I wanted what was good for him, and I didn't want to get swept away (hah). So I rectified myself, and told myself that A and I were just friends—there was certainly that element still in our relationship. He was my mentor of sorts, a young professional musician who'd already finished his degree and was working in the real world. He was an expert on Haydn symphonies, and I was a master of discipline. I was surprised, then, when after this talk, A didn't change his behavior as much as I had mine! It was a Sunday, and I'd gotten back from the big city where I had gone to visit my family, and to rent a better violin for our concerts. He works at a church, and he was finally done with Masses for the weekend. We went out for dinner, then headed to the music building to rehearse the Schubert. Upon finding that the building was locked, we just stood outside in the cold by his car for a second and looked at each other, laughing. He told me that he shouldn’t kiss me, but that he wanted to.

Things went on. Monday and Tuesday that week were unremarkable; I went to classes, I practiced, I got work done. Monday and Tuesday are always kind of lonely days for me. Wednesday is the day that A has all of his meetings with students in the university music department. It’s the day that I usually see him in the hall. When he came and rapped on the door of my practice room, he stayed longer than intended, and we ended up spending a few hours that day just making out in his car and talking about what we wanted in the future. On Thursday, he took me out to meet his best friend, whom familiarity (we’d both heard so much about each other) necessitated me to meet. That night, at 1 am, we sat in a booth at Shari’s, and he had to have the same conversation with me again—‘I can’t date you, this isn’t what I’m looking for romantically, I don’t want to hurt you’. Friday, we hung out briefly as friends. By now, I was starting to feel a little more maligned than I had before when he’d explained why we couldn’t be together, but that was also just sleep deprivation—I’d only gotten 4 hours of sleep the night before, I was just grouchy and behind on schoolwork! But on Saturday we did the same. Saturday night, a fateful text message, and at 8 PM I got a panicked call from A. A is a devout Christian, an Evangelical. His complicated backstory is that he’d married a girl whom he had been having sex with when he was 19, out of guilt that they didn’t have a proper relationship and so that they wouldn’t be having premarital sex, which he considers a sin. He said that there was no way that he would ever go down that path again, that he had sworn that he was a different person now, a changed, adult man.

Since that phone call, things have been different. To A’s word. We’ve only met under professional contexts, to rehearse for our concerts. We don’t hang out or even really text anymore. Most of our personal conversations are limited to his advising me on what Scripture to read, and on my violin practice habits. It’s been a little cold. I think I’m doing okay, but I miss him and just wish that we were actually friends. I wish that I could rewind time, conceal my emotions, never let on that I was attracted to him to begin with.

I mentioned that I know A now. A is 24 years old; his hopes for going to grad school as a pianist are mostly shot, although he can still study as a conductor. But this is not what’s significant. A has been married and divorced. He is an Evangelical Christian; he doesn’t like my liberal political views, although he hasn’t tried to change them, to his credit. What he is looking for in a romantic relationship is a Godly wife who will marry him and have kids. Meanwhile, I’m a liberal, 19 years old, career-focused, and accidentally when I first talked to him I offhand mentioned that (at the time… man, my perspective really has been opened up) I never want to have kids. I am not at all what A needs or wants. I’m a bazillion red flags. I’m like the young 20 something girlfriend that the stereotypical middle class man has when he has his midlife crisis in his 40s. A said that he didn’t want to hurt me. Now, I’m a musician, and a Christian. I know what I’m supposed to do—I need to practice my music, and pray, until it doesn’t hurt anymore, until there is nothing but God and art and beauty. A has told me this. As my elder, as someone who sees himself as my religious mentor, and as a more experienced professional, he sees it right to counsel me to pray, read the Bible, and practice my ass off and do well in school. This is all well, and true. The issue is, before all of that happens—before all of my music has replaced my sadness—well, I’m a little bit sad.

I only was friends with A for two months. I knew that things were moving too fast, I knew that there was too much similarity between the two of us, that it was the sort of friendship where I would get sucked in. But I just hope that eventually, A forgives me for my childish, worldly, sinful mistakes. I hope that especially if I don’t go away to private school next year, we can be friends again. Eventually. Maybe. Or maybe not.

I’ve violated all that he thinks is ethical—to him, I’m a worldly, immature 19-year-old with “a Planned Parenthood view of marriage” who doesn’t have the self-control to set appropriate boundaries or manage my free time, and worse, one who has no devotion to God. I’m a liability and a seductress. A is a slightly neurotic person, in case you haven’t guessed. I’m a little neurotic too, although not as much so. We’re very similar people. I think I’m a little bit scorched earth in his mind. It doesn’t help that he said that I look like his ex (Facebook stalking confirms this), and that I’m the same age he was when he married her.

Ach, Schubert. We’re playing “Die Forelle” on our recital in May. We were supposed to have a rehearsal right now, actually, but he cancelled for today—said he was tired and busy, which I’m sure he is, but he also was before when he was spending hours just caressing my hair and kissing me. I think he’s avoiding me, which is only understandable. Our last rehearsal went pretty badly. I was super sleep deprived studying for finals; I was in a grouchy mood, and when he gave me more musical feedback than I could totally incorporate in the moment, I got very overwhelmed. When he asked me (worriedly, caringly) what was wrong, I said it was okay, I was just tired—“You’re acting a little strange. If you don’t want to talk about what’s going on between us, nothing will get better. … Are you going to start crying?” He came and gave me a hug. He always smells so good.

We’re playing Schubert in May. I’m giving another recital, with a different pianist, one month and a few days from now. My parents will be there, and so will he. That will be the first time they meet him. Awkward.

Lastly, my violin professor taught A when he was a student here—our professor knows him better than he currently knows me. I had a jury this morning. Professor asked me if I was okay. He’s a perceptive sort of man, and usually if he thinks you’re just sleep deprived, or slacking off, he’ll just push you harder. If he thinks you’re not okay, it means you actually probably have something going on (not necessarily that you’re not still okay). I’m pretty damn sure that professor knows, which is not the greatest, but I could have done a better job hiding it. But also A didn’t conceal it from professor (and professor’s wife, who’s also a professor in the same department!!!!) at all. He even has talked to them about me, my studies. Not the most professional situation to be in, but not the worst either—this is a state university and a small town, it’s not Juilliard or the RCM, and people for some reason expect musicians to fornicate together/marry and raise families as opposed to being opposed to all that stuff. Which I am. When I first met A, I thought that 10 years from now, I’d still be in school, working on my PhD probably; I thought I’d be some sort of liberal bohemian academic who maybe dates and has various long-term partners over the course of her life, but who doesn’t necessarily marry, and has no ambitions whatsoever toward the white picket fence and children. I was thinking that someday, if I’m really sure that I don’t ever want kids, probably by the time I’m 28 or so, I’ll just get a tubal ligation. When I arrived at school in September, I was thinking, and in fact loudly proclaimed to my roommate and all my female family members, that I had no intention of engaging in any sort of romantic relationship, and didn’t want to for the time forseeable. (Four months, lmao.) I wanted to be a nun. A nun to learning, to music, to art, to science.

I still might be this kind of person. The one problem is that I no longer think that being an intellectual science-nun is necessarily the most Godly option. A has changed my mind so much. I told A a few weeks ago that I was emotionally checked out. I had no idea.

TL;DR summary for my own sake: My partner broke up with me, on account of wanting to date someone in the same stage in life, having different pursuits in a romantic relationship than me, and having a somewhat different cultural perspective. I'm more upset than I would like to be. We're still collaborating professionally, and I wring the attention from every word he gives me now. I need to stop thinking about him so much, and missing him, especaially since we've only known each other for 2 months.

Hi Faust,

It sounds like you're dealing with some really intense emotions right now, both in your feelings for A and your feelings of grief around setting some (very needed) boundaries with him. Are you taking time for self-care, and to receive support around this situation from people in your life who aren't A?

You mention that you see yourself as having red flags in relation to A. You're correctly identifying that the two of you do not have compatible wants when it comes to the future, especially around your academic pursuits, career, and other goals. That's a sign that a happy, healthy romantic relationship just wouldn't have been sustainable. But, more than that, he's actually sending up some red flags from where I'm sitting. For instance, he's got you referring to yourself (and it sounds like he's used these words as well) with words like: seductress, immature, worldly (and not in a positive way). Even in relationships where there are differences of opinion or worldview, a partner should not be framing you that way. There can be respectful differences of opinion, but it seems like he was trying to convince you that your values and worldview are completely wrong and the right interpretation of the world is the one in which he is right. In particular, framing you as a seductress is a way to absolve him of his role and feelings in this situation, which is not okay. You're also describing yourself as being bad at boundaries, when you give a lot of examples of him being the one to push or disregard the boundaries you two tried to set. You actually seem to be pretty good at holding boundaries, which is great. He's also setting up a weird power dynamic (beyond the thing where's he's faculty at your school which is unprofessional at best) where he "forgives" you for your mistakes, one that sets a precedent for you to see him as accepting and kind for forgiving you for being a human with experiences and opinions. That didn't set this up as a relationship of equals. I'm sorry if some of this feels harsh towards him, but a lot of these behaviors of ones that we know, from years of research and experiences, don't end in a happy relationship. Ending things was ultimately the right choice. You deserve to be with someone who embraces you for you, you know?

Since you clearly have some ambitions, dreams, and feelings about kids that are very powerful and important to you that have been thrown out of whack lately, now might also be a time to focus some energy reflecting on those. Something I'd recommend is to think about what you want in the next five years while taking A out of the equation and see what kind of scenarios that conjures up. Does that sound like a doable exercise?

How comfortable would you be setting even more boundaries with him to help you move past these feelings? For example, if you do need to see him for professional or academic reasons, can you set the limit of no physical contact since it brings up hard feelings for you?

Sam,
Thank you for your kind and comprehensively researched response. I realized that I hadn't thanked you, and I want to not only for your support, but for all the work you do to give good advice to every young person on this board.
I haven't seen A for a few weeks now. This has actually been his decision more than mine. I do miss just being friends—I feel like I would be capable of going back to joking around and this sort of casual camaraderie, and as I said, I don't have many friends (I should remedy this). It seems that A is not so amenable to the idea, possibly because he's not aware that I have that side of my personality just because it's not really one that's manifested in our relationship thus far, likely because he would not be able to/is not willing to handle it. If that's so, then he's not my problem. Again, I do have school to focus on. Quite a lot. But I am still really sad. I try not to be. I meditate, and am making a list right now of things I am thankful for, from the grand to the most fundamental—breathing, the senses of sight, hearing, touch; food, housing, clothing, drinkable running water. I just miss our friendship. It seemed so simple at the time.

I actually became obsessed with the first romantic relationship I ever had. First romantic relationships are so inculcating; and then I had terrible depression and developed terrible OCD. I thought about the loss of my relationship with my first significant other until I couldn't think about anything else. I'm much tougher and wiser now—I won't sit around in my pajamas all day doing nothing, I know that thinking too much about things is a product of not going to school or having a job. I have a life. I have so much schoolwork, and so much I want to do, and I didn't do any of that after my first relationship ended. I know that that won't happen again in the sense that I *am* going to school, I *am* having a life outside of my relationship with A. I'm just really afraid. And I don't want to be sad. Except I do, because it's easier than writing another scholarship application essay. My own weakness.

Hi Faust,
I have no special qualifications here except life - I'm a newbie on these forums but actually a bit older than your professor/ex, and a fellow introvert. But I just wanted to say I read your story and that it's ok to be sad about the end of something even if ending was the right decision. (It's ok to be sad in general, about whatever makes you sad!) But I hear you on not wanting to get stuck in it and having other things to do too. I think especially as an introvert it can take some trial and error to figure out how best to care for yourself and cheer yourself up when you're sad, since distractions and connecting with other people (or being open to new connections) can be so helpful but also use up energy. I found it helpful to think in terms of experimenting to see what works for me, taking off some of the pressure to get coping "right" or "get over it" as efficiently as possible. Best of luck to you.

Hi Faust,

You're quite welcome, and I'm so glad you found my answer supportive. And while it sounds like it's causing a lot of rough feelings for you right now, the loss of contact with A is ultimately a good thing for your well-being and your goals (and you're correct that what he wants and can handle is so not your problem). In addition to what Mio said about being sad and trial and error, something that may be helpful as you grieve the loss of this relationship with A is to consider the ways in which the end of something, while painful, also carries with it the promise of new things. For example, you've lost your connection to A, but that means your future is now even more open because you get to pursue what you want for your education and career instead of what someone else wants for you. And you're already taking steps towards those opportunities by doing things like working on scholarship applications (even if they're not the most enjoyable thing, they are an investment in your goals). Does that make sense?

Well, we had been, for the moment, continuing to work on the concert we were preparing for. As we had been before, for the most part. Things blew up. We had sex once. I'm okay.

I also feel weird about how many details (personal, potentially identifying) I included in this. I don't think there's any real-life risk of that, how much I did disclose is just oddly specific and kind of uncomfortable. The things I do under stress. Ah well.

To his credit, he told me that none of it was my fault, he had more power in the relationship than I did and was older and more experienced, and for all of these reasons plus more is be the one accountable. He just said that we couldn't be friends anymore. Which I guess is kind of true, we were trying to be platonic friends but then that didn't happen. I just wish it weren't forever. The one benefit is that now I'm definitely single, which has its benefits.

Typical stories

Faust, I can move this to a locked section of the boards if you'd like, per your remarks about feeling like you overshared and could be identified. And you can start a new conversation about it in a new thread without those details if you'd like. Our staff can follow. Just let me know.

Heather,
I'd appreciate that. Thank you for everything.

(Yes, I changed my username.)

We hooked up again yesterday. It was kind of nice (I mean aside from just the sheer euphoria of seeing him again) in that I think we both have more closure now.

I now more strongly believe that we can't be platonic friends. I wish heartily that we could be. Aside from the instability of the decision not to be together, we get along really well. I see now though that there's something in our relationship, and maybe also in our individual personalities, especially in him, where... it's not I guess that we are incapable of having a platonic context, he's just scared to death of spending enough time together to let one develop. I don't think that he can psychologically do it. Not that I fault him for this.

I have 10 more days of school for the year. I'm doing a short 2-week summer course in July. After that, I'm moving across the country to the university where I'm transferring.

He's looking for serious long-term relationships with someone who wants kids and is at a place in life to settle down. Regardless of our decision now, there is no way that I can be in his life in the long-term. Although some marital couples may be able handle one person being friends with an ex or otherwise-termed former partner, that's the small minority. He out of all people wouldn't be able to handle it.

I just have 10 more days, 3 final projects, a final performance, and a few small assignments to make it through. Plus moving out of my dorm and saying goodbye to some people, making sure I thank my professor mentors appropriately. Then I can go live with my parents in a different town 80 miles away and crash. I won't ever really be back in this city.

The good news is that this ultimately does not matter. Romantic and sexual relationships, friendships even, are only a small portion of a person's life. There is so much else.

The bad thing is that I'm kind of an addict. I don't mean that literally. It just seems like most people are kind of dependent on some form of pleasure or another, be it food, or sex, or a specific person's company and affection, or socializing in general, or manipulating others, or ego inflation, or too much TV or internet time, or gossip, or mood altering substances... I've been having trouble getting my life together and being successful in school and work just because life (school, work, family) is intrinsically hard. I could use some support, some falling back right now though. Which is (part of) how I ended up texting him on Sunday night. I'll be alright. I just miss him. Honestly, it's the best relationship I've ever had in terms of just treating each other well, kindness, mutual affection and purpose. We just have different life trajectories. And I made a bad (honest, naïve, innocent) mistake in allowing physical involvement between us in the first place. I wanted physical affection with him because I didn't know any better. I didn't know how hard it is to reset those boundaries after they've been crossed. Now I know, I guess.

Virginity is kind of like gender. I technically had sex, or at least started to, with one of my childhood friends last summer. It felt kind of weird and wrong though; we tried dating each other, but we're really meant to be just friends. The dynamic with that friend is one of siblings, and we're not particularly attracted to each other. Emotionally speaking, I lost my virginity with A. That gender is a construct doesn't mean that nobody identifies with gender, even with binary genders: Likewise, although virginity is a construct, that doesn't mean that there isn't some reality reflected in the concept for some people in some situations. I lost my virginity with A. Virgins probably tend to be a little innocently/naïvely overeager. I wanted sex because I thought it was exiting, I didn't know that I could have that degree of intimacy with someone. Now I know.

I always post here at my very weakest of moments.

There is so much in this world. There is so much for me to do and learn. There is so much kindness, such as this site itself and all of the moderators.

Since it sounds like you feel pretty strongly that the two of you can't be platonic friends, and it sounds like you feel that it's hard for you to stay away, not contact him, etc. do you think it would be helpful to explicitly cut contact? Delete his number, redirect emails to a junk folder, whatever makes sense. It might help you to feel like this is a relationship that's capital-o Over if you remove the temptation to keep reaching out. You can mourn it in whatever way feels best to you while also protecting your own heart a bit.

What else out in the world are you looking forward to right now? What's exciting in your upcoming studies or other areas of your life? It may help to pick up a new project you can throw yourself into for a bit.