Maybe Asexual and Scared

[J.D.]

So I know I've posted something about this in the past as sort of a hypothetical, and if I should post this to there please just tell me and I'll do it. Basically I've heard of with a lot of asexual people, they have an "emperor's new clothes" style realization where they thought how they felt was how everyone felt about sex and relationships, only to realize how wrong they were. I could understand how that could happen to someone, but I felt like I understood what was going in peoples' minds about like, sex and stuff.
I was so, very wrong.
At least I think I was. I had a panic attack about this a few nights ago (btw I have anxiety) while I was talking with a friend of mine, and I realized HOW different I felt than other people. There have been moments where I felt really different than my friends, but I kinda shrugged them off as one-off occurrences. I realize now that they weren't. In the few days since then and thought about how I've really felt about people, I realize how different I've felt than normal people do. Or maybe I don't? I don't know. Regardless, I don't know what on earth I am, only one other person knows and I'm freaking out because I feel embarrassed and ashamed and dumb and broken.
Additionally, that date I had? It went well but I didn't feel anything with her. She was pretty and nice, but it just felt like any other friend, and we 'went out' for about a week before we realized we weren't right for each other. It kinda sucks, not because I really like her or anything, but because I was kind of using that relationship to convince myself that I'm straight and not ace. I know that's horrible, and I feel awful about it, but I also feel mad at myself, and I don't even know why. Can y'all help me? I know it's a lot I just need some help right now. I'm freaking out.

[Heather]

Hey there.

I am just passing through while in transit, so I can’t respond in depth, but I wanted to let you know three things:
1) Someone saw this and is here witnessing you. So, you’re not all alone with these feelings and worries.
2) Whatever your orientation or sexual identity, you are not broken or faulty. Human sexuality is as diverse as humans, and there are so many ways to be in this regard, all equally okay.
3) Everyone experiments in some ways as they start trying to figure this part of who they are out, whether they acknowledge it or not. It’s okay.

[Mo]

J.D., I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed right now. It's really common for people to feel confused or ashamed as they're figuring out what kind of sexual or romantic feelings/desires, if any, they have for other people, but it's ok to be asexual, or demisexual, or just plain unsure about what you're feeling. I know it can be uncomfortable to be uncertain, but if you feel that way, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You might indeed be asexual, but if you are, that doesn't mean that you can't have deep intimate relationships with other people, if that's somehting you're interested in. People feel and experience asexuality in a number of different ways, just like people who aren't asexual experience their sexuality in a range of ways too.

How can we best help you? If you'd like to talk about the feelings you're having that feel so different from other people's, we're happy to do that, or whatever else you think would help in terms or support or listening.

[wesley97]

Hello,
I definitely understand feeling mad about yourself for the way your relationship with that girl turned out, I have had very similar experiences and it is a difficult place to be. Just because you were not interested in your relationship with her does not make you a bad person by any means.
One of my friends is also going through the realization that he may be ace and something that seems to help him a lot is knowing that there is absolutely no pressure to label yourself one way or another. I know that for many people labels can be and are a very helpful way to understand what you are experiencing but they can also be a source of anxiety if you are unsure exactly where you fall.
The last thing I have to say is that you are not dumb and broken, everyone experiences the world differently and just because you feel things differently then your friends does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Hopefully that helps
xx

[J.D.]

To Mo and Heather: Honestly, I don't know exactly what kind of help would help the most. I know that experience is the biggest helped but if this makes sense, I know so little about all of this, I don't know enough to even ask questions. I would (if possible) like any help possible about anything, but specifically, what's considered 'normal' for me at my age, if the way I'm feeling makes any sense, and any ways I can find out who I am and what to do from there. Is it okay for me to tell you all the things that I just realized were different about myself?
To Wesley97: Oh wow! I haven't ever had anyone comment on any of my posts, this is so cool! It means a lot that someone cares enough to want to help, and thanks for reassuring me in feeling normal again. Also, I've been to Victoria before, and from what I can remember it's a beautiful place and I'm even considering going to BC for college! You're so lucky to live there!

To both of you and anyone else giving support from reading this, thank y'all so very much for your support. You have no idea what it means to me that this service is available and so accessible and the community that it brings me.

[wesley97]

I'm so glad that my response helped you feel a bit better I was a bit hesitant in responding since I didn't know if anything I had to say would help but am definitely glad I did. I know that I'm not Mo and Heather but I'll keep following this forum too and would be open to listening to all the things you realized about yourself if you need someone to listen to what you want to get off your chest!
Victoria is amazing, it has been such an incredible experience moving here for school!
As far as what is normal goes something that I have been realizing more and more is that no one is normal. The other day in my psychology class the teacher had an open floor where everyone openly talked about mental illnesses they had struggled with, abuse, sexuality and everything in between both good and bad. It really opened up my eyes because over half of the people in a three hundred people lecture opened up and shared really personal things but more then that I realized that there isn't a concrete normal. All these people that I categorized just based on how they looked have so much more going on underneath and I think that is an important thing to remember particularly at this age because it really does look like everyone has it together. Maybe the people that seem normal are also pretty strange underneath? And the strange really is what makes us unique and beautiful!
I know thats pretty fluffy and all but I think theres some truth in that as well haha
xx

[J.D.]

Thanks so much! Sorry for the late response, I've been a little unavailable recently. So I've already realized that I was a little different, just because my family and I are religious, and they take the "NO PREMARITAL SEX" thing pretty seriously and have drilled it into me and my brother that it's OFF LIMITS. No exceptions. And that if we do, bad things happen (my uncle got someone pregnant, and while they're happily married now, they use that as a cautionary tale). So I grew up pretty sheltered and broke out of my shell last (freshman) year. I never wanted to have sex with a gf mainly cause I thought it was "wrong" but now I just kinda... don't. My best friend, she and her boyfriend have a few times, and it kind of shocked me. Not because I thought she was bad because of it, but I always assumed nobody really cared about it that much, like I did. I also didn't really understand that people, like EVERYONE felt (strong?) sexual attraction to other people until very recently. There's some more that I'm having trouble putting into words, but if I think of one, I'll say it. I'm okay never having sex (although I'd like a family one day, but there's artificial insemination and adoption if necessary), but I'm afraid I can never find a girl who'd be okay with that. And although I wanna try everything once just to get it over with and say "ive done that!", and I'd do what my partner wanted if we were in a loving relationship, I have no real desire myself. I feel a little better about it, but I feel like everyone will think I'm some sort of uber-religious, judge, freak who hates his body and is too awkward and uncomfortable to have a partner. Additionally I don't know how people will see me or act or even believe me if I tell them. It feels too "exclusive" of a minority orientation for me to actually be it so I don't know if I even believe myself, even though I'm pretty sure I am ace. This is a lot, I'm sorry!!

[J.D.]

Also, I forgot to mention, but I have another factor giving me lots of stress. My parents and I were talking (I don't really remember about what) and they kind of out of the blue asked me if I was gay or what. I said 'no' and said 'it's either girls or nothing, haha!' They said that it definitely wasn't 'nothing' and sort of shrugged it off. I feel like even if I am ace, I shouldn't just tell them, and if I get married to a woman, just hide that part of myself from them. I know it's probably not a good idea but I feel like they won't believe me and think I'm some crazy person who doesn't know what he's talking about.

[Siân]

Hi JD,

I'm sorry that your parents were dismissive. I hope that if or when you feel a bit more settled in your identity and want to speak to them about it that they will be supportive. If/when that time comes we can talk about it with you

In the meantime, let's look at a couple of things you've mentioned in your recent posts. First, wesley is so right that normal is a bit of a strange word, after all we are all pretty different. Even looking at a restricted group e.g. the people I went to school with, despite everything we had in common - similar backgrounds, families, education - how and when we developed into our sexual identities and what they were was so different I can't give you an answer to what's normal. And you know what? I actually think that's a good thing!

It sounds like you're processing a lot of feelings on what it would mean to you if you are ace. That's ok. One thing I would say though is that if you're not judging people for their choices, and if you do like your body and have some self-acceptance then no-one has any reason to think the kinds of things you suggested of you, and if they do then they've just shown themselves as someone you don't need to be putting a whole bunch of effort into being around.

I'm not quite sure if in your last post you were talking about hiding the ace part of yourself from your parents or from a future partner? I hope you know that if we hide a fundamental part of who we are from someone we are in a serious romantic relationship with we are opening the door for a whole lot of hurt and misunderstanding for everyone. Of course you get to decide who you talk to about this and how and when, but some secrets are not sustainable in some kinds of relationships long term.

One last thing, plenty of people on the asexual spectrum can and do engage in sexual activities at times, but that does not mean that it's compulsory. I'd be cautious about trying something just to "get it over with", but rather only do things that are wanted on some level, whether that want comes from sexual feelings or intellectual or emotional ones. Does that make sense?

[J.D.]

First off, I'd have to agree that 'normal' is a totally weird word now that I think about it! I meant that I wasn't gonna tell my parents, not my partner. I'd let my partner know, but just with my parents, I dunno. I know I SHOULD tell them when I have it figured out, it's just really scary and daunting, especially because this is all so new. And they already judge me a little because I don't really date as much as they'd like me to. They say things like "you should date around some, it's not a big deal if you go on a date with a girl" or "why don't you ever want to hang out with anyone?" It's not that I think that every first date has a proclamation of love, or that I don't have friends, I just am not a super social guy. What you were saying about not wanting to do something to 'get it over with', I completely agree with you. I've honestly been scared ever since I understood that people and relationships have a sexual aspect involved of being coerced into sex when I don't really want to. I explained this better in another post I think, and while I'd be willing to have sex to say, start a family, I really have no desire as to me, it just seems tiring, messy, and a little grody to me. This expectation that I've seen in media (which I know isn't entirely accurate) and in society where sex plays a large part in relationships has honestly been the main reason where I'm hesitant to get into a relationship. I even just learned two friends of mine (one 15, one 17) have already had sex, which made me even more nervous. I assumed it was only college-age or adult relationships that involved sex, not high school. I just feel behind the curve on something everyone but me understands and loves, which has sort of been why I'm super hesitant to date around. I felt fine not having sex in high school, because I didn't think that was common and my relationships could never make it that far, which made dating okay because I assumed it would never come to sex. Now that I realized HS relationships can have sex, I'm even less willing to date. I know that sex can be a beautiful thing, I just don't really feel that way. I originally thought that my lack of desire was religious guilt, but I now am starting to realize it's more than that, and I'm afraid nobody's going to want me because of it.
Also, when you're talking about "only doing things that are wanted on some level" does that mean only doing things you would like to do, or doing things that you aren't wanting to do but aren't unwilling to do for the happiness of your partner?
Again this is so long, I'm so sorry.

[Sam W]

Hi J.D,

It sounds like one of the things that might be stressing you out right now is that you're feeling like the point at which you'd have to have the "no, not into sex" conversation with a partner has suddenly moved closer due to the fact that you've discovered more people have sex in high school than you thought. While it's true that plenty of people do just that, there are plenty of people who don't want to be sexually active during their high school years, so if you ended up dating in high school you wouldn't automatically end up in a situation where the other person would want sex. Too, it may help to think of it as you and your friends going through the same process and coming to different conclusions. They've been thinking about their sexuality and realized they wanted to be sexual, whereas you've been thinking about it and realized sex is not something you want. And those are both okay conclusions to reach.

I think what Sian was getting at was that there are different types of wanting when it comes to sex, and that you should only engage in things where some type of want is present for you. A common example is having a partner who is really into a certain sexual thing that you're just "meh" about, but that you engage in because the fact that it makes them happy ends up making you happy, so you're still getting some form of enjoyment from it (that dynamic can occasionally get sticky if someone who is ace feels like they need to disregard their sexual comfort because they want to make a partner happy). In your case, maybe the only "want" that would make you be sexual is wanting to co-create a pregnancy with someone. Does that help clarify it a bit?

With your parents, would you like any help figuring out how to respond when they make comments about your dating life?

[wesley97]

Just wanted to pop in and add a little bit that I am in uni right now and still have many friends who haven't had sex yet and don't want to anytime soon as well as many friends who have and are engaging in sexual activities. When and if you ever want to have sex is a super personal thing and can only really be decided by you! Whatever you do decide to do it is totally okay as long as you make sure that you feel comfortable and safe with that decision.
xx

[J.D.]

That does clarify it a lot, and I'd LOVE help with that. It's not that big of a deal, but it still gets on my nerves a little, so I'd love some help. And thanks a lot to wesley97!!!!

[J.D.]

"It sounds like one of the things that might be stressing you out right now is that you're feeling like the point at which you'd have to have the "no, not into sex" conversation with a partner has suddenly moved closer due to the fact that you've discovered more people have sex in high school than you thought. "

Yes, that's exactly it. I've only told one friend (that 15 year old I was talking about earlier) and she's been really awesome about it. I just feel really nervous about this aspect of myself that I'm not even sure if is real or not, and I feel like I'll scare away someone with this part of myself that may or may not exist.

[Sam W]

Okay! With your parents, how comfortable are you saying something that sets a very clear boundary like, "It makes me uncomfortable when we talk about my dating life and I'd appreciate it if we didn't." Of course, you can phrase that sentiment in whatever way you think your parents would respond best to, because you know them better than I do. Do you feel like they'd respect a boundary like that?

I'm glad your friend is listening to you and being supportive. With the feeling like this part of you might scare a partner off, something you could try is to think about it like this: every person is going to have qualities that will remove them from certain people's lists of potential partners (and every person has there own list of what things are deal breakers in a partner). Sometimes those incompatibilities have to do with things like sexual orientation, or with core beliefs and values, or even just personality traits. So, there will be people for whom you being ace is a sign that the two of you are not a good fit as partners. That doesn't mean you scared them off, it just means that you've each eliminated the other from your dating pool, leaving you each free to find a partner who is a good fit for your needs. Does that make sense?

[J.D.]

I think that they would, and that it sounds like a really good idea. And what you mean does make sense in your second paragraph, and it helps a lot!!