Is it okay to not want to have sexual contact with your boyfriend?

[audreylinen]

Basically me and my boyfriend has dated since Feb 2016 and we started having sex in June 2017. However, in December of 2017, we broke up, but we still met up and had sex (it wasn't a friends with benefit kind of thing, but more of we still had lingering feelings and it was just impulse) it was kind of messy at that point in time, but the sex then felt quite good, maybe it is because its something that shouldn't happen. So at the start of this year, we got back together again but after that when we had sex, I don't know why but I just don't really feel the lust. Recently, I get a little uncomfortable when he approaches me with sexual intentions like wanting to make out or have sex, but I mostly just try to enjoy it because I thought I should be okay with it. But this uneasiness is bothering me and I can't figure out why because I do like to hang out with him and spend time with him without sexual contact but it's just that when there IS I feel a little uneasy. And I feel that it's wrong. Is there something wrong with our relationship, or me, or is this normal?

[Sam W]

Hi audreylinen,

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have sexual contact with someone, even if it's someone who you very much enjoyed being sexual with in the past. Sexual feelings can change just like romantic feelings can. That doesn't mean anybody is doing anything wrong, but it does sometimes mean that the relationship may be at its end. With your boyfriend, do you feel like you want to continue dating him? Or would you be happier if you and he were friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend.

[audreylinen]

I do feel like I want to continue dating him, when we broke up it was really painful and now that we're back together again I feel like we should work things out. Is this issue really serious or can it be solved? Is it not normal in relationships? Why do you say the relationship may be at its end?

[Sam W]

Got it. As I said, plenty of people find they lose interest in being sexual with a partner, but in if a relationship is going to last long-term, everyone involved has to be comfortable and happy with the amount of sex that's happening. If there's a mismatch in sexual interest, that may mean that the couple decides to break-up in order to find partners who better fit their sexual needs. The tricky thing is that, while some couples can and do resolve mismatches in sexual interest, for other couples there is not enough room for compromise for them to come to a solution. In order to figure out if a solution is possible, the couple needs to have an honest discussion. Would you like some tools to help you have that conversation with your boyfriend.

Too, it's important to understand what's behind your new uneasiness. What would you say makes you feel uneasy about being sexual with him? I also wonder, do you feel happy and excited to be in this relationship, or is it more that the break-up sucked and being in a relationship with him feels preferable to going through a break-up again?