a smaller gay confused (aroace/lesbian)

[himiko]

Hi! So I've hit a roadbump you could say aha,

I considered myself aroace for a few months now. I'm sure I'm ace, but I feel like I'm a fake aro...? I'm in a relationship right now (lesbiahonest I'm gay.) I definitely love her. like, really love her. I just want to hug her, cuddle, romantic things, you know?

but I don't really feel as if it's... romantic attraction. It feels like we're just best friends. It doesn't make me uncomfortable, but I'm not sure about her. I love her, but then again, I love all of my friends, and I proclaim it, a lot. I love everyone. I can't really feel the difference between the extreme love I have for my friends and the extreme love I have for her.

I love girls, like, wow. I love girls. I want to protect them all, give them all the hugs and love I can. I'm questioning having a poly relationship with other girls (maybe a group of 3!) because of my stance on girls, but I'm just... unsure? for me it'd just feel like a close friend group except we're all gay and a bit more loving towards each other.

So basically, I'm absolutely the most confused gay out there.

I know, my identity is my own to find out, and all that jizz jazz, but I'm just really confused. Yeah. Thanks for reading this.

[Heather]

You know, I personally am always confused by what “romantic” means. Historically, since romance was made a thing, it was very much about sexual feelings. The newer sense of what is and isn’t romantic is something I just don’t understand: like, how is it different from friend love (after all, I cuddle my friends) if it isn’t in any way erotic or sexual? I don’t know, honestly, so I may either be the best person here for you to talk about this with, or the worst, depending on your view.

That said, what do you think? We can gab more or I can ask our staff who feel like they have a better sense of what romantic is to come in instead.

[makz_marie]

hi himiko,

I also identify as mostly aro, so maybe I can be of some help? I don't have any for sure answers, but here are some thoughts.
I think it's possible to be in a relationship that's fairly romantic while still identifying as aromantic - after all, some asexual folks chose to have sex with partners, don't they? that still doesn't make it an attraction you innately feel.

it's also possible that you're just discovering that romance an friendship aren't necessarily all that different for you. this is in no way me saying you aren't aro, but it's possible that the type of romance you personally don't feel into is just a very specific kind, whereas this kind of affection is more your speed.

either way, I'd chat with your relationship buddy about it - she's probably the next most qualified person to help you sort out what you're feeling!

[Jacob]

I just want to echo what Heather has said about how 'romance' is a relatively new and an evolving idea. If part of your identity is how you are oriented to an ill-defined changing thing, it is likely to feel insecure!

I think we run into lots of problems when we think about identities as a solid constant. It makes us question our authenticity within those identities, which is difficult when what those identities even describe changes so much.

I would just say that it's good to move away from the whole question of how much of a 'proper' aromantic you may or may not be... but instead to find the way to communicate your wants in relationships and friendships on a case by case basis. I think with that I am echoing makz's advice of 'talk to your person about it'.

If people around you are bringing a very clear idea of romance, and how they feel that towards you, it may just be a case of saying "I'm sorry, I don't feel things that particular way, but in my way, I really like you. I do wanna hang out with you all the time and I like your face. It's cute."

When those sort of relationship habits feel more established, and repeat in some way you might reflect on the big picture and say "hmm aromantic is a useful and efficient word for me to describe all these things".

I almost always think it works better to ask how useful a word is to us, rather than how true it is.

I also recently re-read the comic strip Al and I made last year and I think some of the discsussion we had in it could be handy for you: Intersectionality Part 3: A Personal Take (Or, "Are We Like Pies?") - Webcomic