Scarleteen

I am 17 years old, and have been diagnosed with OCD. Like all guys I fantasize about girls I like, and again like all guys I masturbate. I am an incredibly moral person however, and I feel guilty over the slightest immoral sounding subject. It makes me feel terrible like I'm condemned to a living hell. I usually feel guilty over masturbation, but have been working to understand that its a normal practice and that everyone has done it or does currently do it in their life. However, i have recently masturbated to the thought of a girl i am attracted to but not entirely crushing on. I do respect her in all the ways a human can respect another human. I do not expect her to engage with me in sexual acts and do not treat her differently despite my atttaction to her. However, I can't help but feel truly awful about the fact that I have fantasized about her and masturbated to a photo of her on instagram. I know it sounds terrible because maybe it is? It's not something i do often, in fact I don't at all. That was the first time in a year or so I have used a photo of a girl I know to masturbate. I have been feeling so guilty since and feel like I have ruined my frienship with her, although I know she has no knowledge of it, but I feel like I could never look her in the eye and say I respect her ever again, because I feel like I'd be lying through my teeth. Did I disrespect her? Or was I doing something completely normal and not unjust at all? I don't know. Now there is definitely OCD at work here, because I'be been told by many (including a therapist of mine) that it is common to fantasize and healthy to masturbate. But I just can't be ok with it. I feel like I've not only wronged her but myself as well. Please help me, did I really do anything wrong?

Hi aguyinneed,

You are totally right when you say masturbation and fantasy are totally normal and nothing to feel guilty about. In fact why not read (or re-read) these two pieces if you need a bit of a reminder?
Jerking Off
Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.)

In terms of who or what you are fantasizing about, it seems to me that the important thing is the understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality, and we don't try and blur the lines between the two. When we fantasise and/or masturbate that is our thing and no-one else gets to say what is and isn't ok as long as it's not harming anyone. Personally, I agree with Bish here: when we fantasise about someone, if there is no way of them knowing then they are not involved or harmed and it's ethically ok. Where if could be problematic is if it impacts on our relationship with this person, or goes against our own values. The difference between what your describing and Bish's question is that by the sounds of it you are talking about someone you interact with regularly, so the question is does this impact on your relationship with them?

I really like something Jaclyn says in How to Handle a Libido That Switched from Low to High: "shame about sexuality is often a warning sign that either a) you're doing something that violates your own values, or b) you're trying to fit yourself into somebody else's values", so I guess I'd ask you to think about what your values really are, and if you are acting in line with them?

Wow thank you so much. I actually don't interact with this person regularly and the only way this impacts our "relationship" would be me feeling like a jerk. I will definitely read those articles you recommended. Thank you for such a quick reply.

I also agree with you saying that I may be doing things that are against my values. Maybe I'm trying to hard to be something I'm not, which is a person who masturbates I suppose. I've never been ok with the idea of masturbation, but me saying that has only applied to me. I could care less if everyone else did, I'm just not ok with me doing it. So maybe somehow my values and morals are different from others and that masturbation just doesnt fit that criteria. Maybe I am trying to be something I'm not. Is it possible I could be just confused?