red flags or just anxiety?

[mio25]

I'm in my 20s and just getting into my first romantic/sexual relationship, in part due to spending a lot of my teens dealing with social anxiety...and some depression, and probably a sprinkling of generalized anxiety, that whole super-fun group of experiences that often travel together. Over the last few years I've found treatment that's actually working and reached the point where on a day-to-day basis I feel pretty "normal," not limited by symptoms. And then developing any kind of openness to/interest in "meeting someone" was kind of a quantum leap forward. Anyway, I recently met this guy and feel like there are some promising things about him and the way I feel around him, but also things that make me nervous and I'm having trouble sorting them out. (And I am talking about this with my therapist but could use a different perspective):

The good is that on an immediate level, I feel safe and comfortable with him. I used to be someone who jumped a mile if someone touched me on the shoulder, and with him I feel more relaxed and grounded being near him or in physical contact. Sexually things have gone farther faster than I ever would have thought I'd be comfortable with but I actually am. He's been respectful, backs off when I ask him to (not just physically but also things like frequency of texts), doesn't amplify my insecurities or self-deprecating humor but reassures and tries to build me up.

But. Emotionally he seems to be moving faster than I am or am comfortable with - how soon he wanted to talk about an exclusive relationship (not that I'm actively interested in anyone else, but the principle of the thing), declaring me his "dream girl" without learning all that much about me, that sort of thing. And he's definitely not as nice to everyone as he (currently) is to me. Not routinely terrible to others, but I've seen this meanness or aggression come out toward people who get on his bad side. That's a trait I generally don't care for in people, so makes it hard to reciprocate the "you're my dream person" sort of sentiment. And it makes me nervous about what might change toward me once I fall off this pedestal I feel like I've been put on - especially if I end up wanting to end the relationship first. Is that a crazy thing to be worrying about when my usually very jumpy gut instincts are so calm about him right now?

[Alice O]

Hey moi25,

I am resonating so much with what you have shared here!

First of all, I want to say a big congratulations for getting to a place where your symptoms aren't interfering in your every day AND where you feel ready to make the quantum leap of being open to meeting someone. I'm sure all that took a lot of time and work

Ultimately you, and your therapist, know yourself and know this situation much better than any of us here at Scarleteen, so I want to start of by encouraging you trust what you two are working on, and to trust what you are thinking and feeling. That being said, you did ask for an outside perspective and so I am happy to offer one.

You shared two main reasons you are not sure this is the person you should be dating. The first was that he is moving faster emotionally than you want. This reason is not necessarily a deal-breaker, it just takes some communication! Often when engaging in new relationships people will move at slightly different paces. You could communicate that you want to take things a bit slower when it comes to commitment and emotional intimacy and see if that works for him. Given that he has been receptive of other limits--physically, amount of texting--I think it's possible he would be open to and receptive of this. Really just depends where he is at and what he is looking for.

But, the second reason you shared is what I am focusing on. You said you noticed some meanness and aggression that isn't sitting well with you. And you are feeling nervous about what might change in how he behaves with you once you "fall off this pedestal" you've been put on. And you are feeling unsure enough about all this that you have talked with your therapist and posted on our boards to ask for our advice. Your gut is telling you something isn't totally right here. And I think you should trust your gut on this one.

I totally hear you on all the positives of the relationship. But I actually think those have as much, if not much more, to do with you and where you are at now in your life, than with this guy in particular. Of course, the other person does matter! And for every person you feel interested in and connected to, there will plenty who you don't. But I think when it comes to feeling comfort and feeling open to physical touch and sexuality activity, that has a lot to do with the work you've done and the ways you've grown. And while I am so happy to hear that he doesn't amplify your insecurities, builds you up, makes you feel safe and relaxed, is respectful of the limits you set, and overall thinks you're great--I also know that many other people can and will do that too! I think that us anxious folks can sometimes have slightly (too) low expectations when it comes to dating, like, please just let me not feel anxious with this person! And while that is one important factor, there are many other important factors too, and far more people than we realize who can reach those expectations!

What do you think about this? How does what I'm saying line up with what your therapist has said? What about with what you are thinking?

[mio25]

I think that us anxious folks can sometimes have slightly (too) low expectations when it comes to dating, like, please just let me not feel anxious with this person! And while that is one important factor, there are many other important factors too, and far more people than we realize who can reach those expectations!

What do you think about this? How does what I'm saying line up with what your therapist has said? What about with what you are thinking?

This SO resonates worth what I've been feeling. "Just let me not be anxious with him!" And it fits with what my therapist and I have been talking about but hadn't been articulated quite that way, so thank you for the additional viewpoint. We've been more on the need to develop a more robust idea of what I do like and want in a person, but seeing what I've been falling back on instead is helping me make sense of my choices so far and how it's kind of a thin basis for decisions I can really be confident in.

Honestly, I'd be fine with this being, like most first relationships, temporary and a learning experience. Keep spending time together as long as it's enjoyable and move on when it's not. The mean/aggressive streak definitely bothers me enough that I don't see potential for a long term committed sort of thing here. I'm a relentlessly nice, I-love-all-of-humanity sort, I can handle short exposures to that kind of energy but not all the time. I'm not sure if it does or should bother me enough to cut things off now.

And I'm having trouble getting a read on what he wants. This is a guy who's had a lot of short term and casual relationships, in fact the night I met him he was out with a "friend with benefits" who he basically sees when neither of them are otherwise in a relationship. But I also keep hearing (as in being told in words by him, not inferring) that I'm "different" from other women he's known. And while he seemed open to my "I'm not looking for anything serious" statement early on, the discussion is still about "going slow" and I'm like, "But slowly to where?" Because we're a little older, if he is someone who envisions "settling down" someday it wouldn't be too unusual for now to be when he's thinking of it. But if that's the case, I don't want to be wasting his time - or in a position to be accused of wasting his time - since like I said, there are places I don't ever see this going.

The "Going slowly to where?" question has only been in my head so far, maybe I should verbalize it? But I worry that would be presumptuous, or even worse make it sound like I'm starting to think serious and long term when in fact it's the opposite. The ideal answer to me would be, "who knows? Let's just see what happens." The answer I don't know what I'd do with is, "to this destination that I get you're not interested in yet, but I'm sure I'll convince you in time."

[Heather]

I don't see any reason not to verbalize it. When you do that, you can make clear that you're not asking because you're thinking long-term yourself yet; you can make clear you're not. You can just let him know that you want to have a better sense of what he's taking his time for, or about, and that you want to make sure it's in some alignment with what you want yourself.

Personally, I would myself be feeling pretty reluctant if I didn't feel like I could ask anyone I was seeing simple, clarifying questions like that, and if they reacted badly to my merely asking, I'd also know that I probably had the information I needed to know I should probably get gone from that person, period, you know?

[mio25]

Thanks, it's very helpful to hear that these are reasonable things to be wondering and questions to be asking.

I haven't had the opportunity for a substantive conversation with him since I last posted. Most interaction lately has been by text which is not how I want to have these conversations, and the most recent time we saw each other was pretty much just sex. *wishing for a blushing smilie that doesn't look so completely mortified, more like pleasantly embarrassed * Although, tbh, I see how this whole situation might be an illustration of the pitfalls of a relationship that is too imbalanced between sex/physical intimacy and actually talking to one another. People start having feelings and expectations and whatnot anyway, but it's harder to negotiate them or even be sure they're based on reality rather than the story you're making up in your head about the other person.

I think if he reacted overtly badly to these questions or what I have to say about my own wishes, it would make it easy to walk away. I'm worried about a condescending "oh, you'll change your mind" or an insincere agreement to dial back expectations, though. Because I like being with him in the present, I like how I feel with him and being liked and I'd be inclined to keep going for those reasons. But seems like that could be a setup for a bad ending later, especially if it's me that ends it, if that wasn't truly something he'd accepted. I want to give people the respect of taking them at their word about their own feelings and decisions, you know? Like if he says he's ok continuing to see each other even when I'm emphatically clear that long-term is not on the table. But then what do I do with my impressions/judgments of whether or not someone is being sincere or truly understands?

[Sam W]

Hi Mio,

It sounds like you're really trying to be thoughtful and considerate about how you approach this situation, which is awesome. Do you think it would help to ask him to meet at a specific time and place (ideally one where sex can't happen) so that the two of you could have this conversation? I know it can feel a little odd to explicitly ask, "can we meet and talk about X thing," but as Heather mentioned this conversation gives you a chance to see if you and he are on the same page, which makes it worth the awkwardness in the long run.

With your concerns about what you'd do if he reacted condescendingly or insincerely, would you find it helpful to brainstorm how you'd deal with those reactions ahead of time? That's something we could help you brainstorm, and it could also be something you ask your therapist to help you with.

[mio25]

It would definitely be helpful to me to try and brainstorm some responses, though I'm not even sure where to begin!

One thing my therapist and I have been talking about is that I'm at best extremely hesitant about long-term committed relationships in general, independent of this particular guy. I think we're agreed that my being willing to venture out into dating/sexual relationships in some form is a positive thing, but that the goal of having a lifelong primary partner isn't right for everyone, doesn't feel right for me now, and may or may not ever and that's ok. For me that's probably related to past relational trauma (losses, etc.) even though others may have similar looking preferences for more neutral reasons (e.g., people who identify as poly or relationship anarchists and similar).

So in regard to this guy, I've been debating about if he does seem to need convincing that, e.g., I'm not going to change my mind, whether to sort of fall on my sword and make it about "I'm a mentally ill person with attachment issues" and avoid the part about "and in the unlikely event I became open to that kind of relationship someday it probably wouldn't be with you." Not using any of those exact words, but as far as a general approach.

Help?

And I apologize for my super-long posts. "Thoughtful" for me is what I get from starting with anxious/depressive rumination and dialing it back just enough to not be paralyzing. There's still a LOT of thinking.