Hi I’m not really sure how to put this cos I’ve never really talked about it before so I guess I’ll start at the beginning.
When I was 15 I got into my first ever relationship with a boy he was sexual really early like after a week or to which was strange for me but I went with it, after a couple of months we went on a trip with his nana for his birthday when he came into my room (it was an over night trip for two nights) on the first night we fooled around but I refused sex because I wasn’t ready on the second night he came in again but seemed more determined to have sex he kept insisting we should do it but I still wasn’t ready I eventually agreed to let him put the tip in which sounds stupid and I know any boy would do just put it in but I trusted that he was only going to do what I had specially said he could. Obviously he just put it in and kept going for a while even thought I was saying what are you doing stop it. He then stopped and started to cry and said he was sorry and kept crying saying that he just really wanted to have sex before his birthday and that his nana had paid for the whole trip and it was all for me so he thought he should get to have sex I still didn’t want to but I eventually let him have sex with me just to get him to stop crying and leave. I mean I eventually said yes so I don’t know if I’m just over reacting because it wasn’t bad really?
Stupidly I didn’t end the relationship after this trip and he seemed to get worse on multiple occasions he would touch between my legs and finger me even after I moved his hands and told him not to and that I didn’t want it. On the few occasions he did stop when I told him to he’d go in a mood with me and start calling me horrible names and saying things like I deserve to die. Eventually I stoped trying to tell him not touch me because I knew that he wouldn’t listen to me again this makes me feel like I don’t really have a right to complain because I let him so I don’t know if I’m over reacting. There where a few times he would do the same with like oral sex or make me touch him in return. He would always say that he only fingered me to make me happy or help me get rid of stomach cramps and he thought I would like it.
Again stupidly I didn’t end the relationship when this started happening and I ended up at his house alone because his parents where out he started kissing me and made it obvious that he wanted sex so I agreed be up I didn’t think he would listen if I said no, I was more thinking to just relax and try to enjoy it like a normal relationship.
He also refused to wear a condom both times despite me telling him multiple times I didn’t want to have sex without protection. (I’m not on the pill or any form of contraception).
I eventually ended the relationship but he still talks to me asif we are together like starting arguments and he still gets jealous of my male friends.
Even though the last incident happened almost a year ago and I have not seen the boy face to face for almost the same length of time I still think about it a lot and wonder if I am just over reacting to normal behaviour. I’ve only just recently told my old best friend about this stuff and he was saying that it’s not normal and I do have a right to be upset over it.
But I’m still not sure if I’m just over reacting or even what to call what happened.
Im not sure if I’m over reacting
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
-
Alice O
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 326
- Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 10:13 pm
- Age: 31
- Awesomeness Quotient: I'm really good at taking naps.
- Primary language: Engish
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: hetero
- Location: New York City
Re: Im not sure if I’m over reacting
Hey Amy12345,
Welcome to the boards
I am so glad you found this space!
I have to say I feel so relieved to hear that you ended the relationship and that you haven't seen him face to face for almost a year. I want to give you some big props for breaking up with him, I'm sure that was hard! And also for opening up about this with your old best friend. Both of those things took a lot of bravery and I hope you feel proud of yourself.
The thing I want you to hear most loudly and clearly is: you are not over reacting and what your ex boyfriend did to you was not ok and was not your fault.
Ultimately, you get to decide what you want to call what happened to you, and you can of course change what language you want to use over time. But I do want you to know that this absolutely counts as an abusive relationship and many instances of sexual assault. Since you posted this in the Abuse & Assault section of the boards, I'm guessing you have hunch that's what was going on as well...
Have you heard of the term coercion before? Coercion is a type of sexual assault. It is when someone wears their partner down until they say yes--sometimes this is by guilt-tripping (like when your boyfriend "kept crying saying that he just really wanted to have sex before his birthday and that his nana had paid for the whole trip and it was all for me so he thought he should get to have sex"), or using emotional abuse (like when you boyfriend would "start calling me horrible names and saying things like I deserve to die"), or ignoring a partner's desire to use birth control or barriers (like when your boyfriend "refused to wear a condom both times despite me telling him multiple times I didn’t want to have sex without protection"--this is a specific form of coercion called reproductive coercion), or making it seem like the sexual activity is really for the other person ("He would always say that he only fingered me to make me happy or help me get rid of stomach cramps and he thought I would like it"), or simply ignoring no's until the person gives up ("Eventually I stoped trying to tell him not touch me because I knew that he wouldn’t listen to me again"). So you saying "yes" did not actually count as consent because it was not freely given--you felt forced into saying yes. Whenever someone feels forced into something that's a sign things are off...If you want to read some more about this, you can check out this article: Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault.
How do you feel hearing this? Does this line up with what your gut was telling you? What self-care things can you do today, and in general, to help take care of yourself and show yourself love? Because the process of reflecting on and processing a past relationship, in particular one that included abuse, can be a tough, overwhelming process! Here are some self-care ideas if you are looking for inspiration: Self-Care a La Carte.
Lastly, I'm really sorry to hear that this person is still harassing you. Since you haven't seen him in around a year I am guessing you aren't in school together? Where does he normally contact you? Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, text/call? Do you feel comfortable blocking him?
I am thinking of you! You are strong! Please do show yourself some nice love and care today <3
Welcome to the boards
I am so glad you found this space!I have to say I feel so relieved to hear that you ended the relationship and that you haven't seen him face to face for almost a year. I want to give you some big props for breaking up with him, I'm sure that was hard! And also for opening up about this with your old best friend. Both of those things took a lot of bravery and I hope you feel proud of yourself.
The thing I want you to hear most loudly and clearly is: you are not over reacting and what your ex boyfriend did to you was not ok and was not your fault.
Ultimately, you get to decide what you want to call what happened to you, and you can of course change what language you want to use over time. But I do want you to know that this absolutely counts as an abusive relationship and many instances of sexual assault. Since you posted this in the Abuse & Assault section of the boards, I'm guessing you have hunch that's what was going on as well...
Have you heard of the term coercion before? Coercion is a type of sexual assault. It is when someone wears their partner down until they say yes--sometimes this is by guilt-tripping (like when your boyfriend "kept crying saying that he just really wanted to have sex before his birthday and that his nana had paid for the whole trip and it was all for me so he thought he should get to have sex"), or using emotional abuse (like when you boyfriend would "start calling me horrible names and saying things like I deserve to die"), or ignoring a partner's desire to use birth control or barriers (like when your boyfriend "refused to wear a condom both times despite me telling him multiple times I didn’t want to have sex without protection"--this is a specific form of coercion called reproductive coercion), or making it seem like the sexual activity is really for the other person ("He would always say that he only fingered me to make me happy or help me get rid of stomach cramps and he thought I would like it"), or simply ignoring no's until the person gives up ("Eventually I stoped trying to tell him not touch me because I knew that he wouldn’t listen to me again"). So you saying "yes" did not actually count as consent because it was not freely given--you felt forced into saying yes. Whenever someone feels forced into something that's a sign things are off...If you want to read some more about this, you can check out this article: Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault.
How do you feel hearing this? Does this line up with what your gut was telling you? What self-care things can you do today, and in general, to help take care of yourself and show yourself love? Because the process of reflecting on and processing a past relationship, in particular one that included abuse, can be a tough, overwhelming process! Here are some self-care ideas if you are looking for inspiration: Self-Care a La Carte.
Lastly, I'm really sorry to hear that this person is still harassing you. Since you haven't seen him in around a year I am guessing you aren't in school together? Where does he normally contact you? Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, text/call? Do you feel comfortable blocking him?
I am thinking of you! You are strong! Please do show yourself some nice love and care today <3
-
Amy12345
- newbie
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Sat Mar 24, 2018 11:31 am
- Age: 25
- Awesomeness Quotient: My hair?
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: She/her
- Sexual identity: Heterosexual
- Location: North east of England
Re: Im not sure if I’m over reacting
Thank you I do feel quite proud that I’ve finally talked to someone about it. And I definitely think I needed to hear that it’s not my fault.
After my conversation with my friend I was think that this is what was going on I’m just glad I found this place to talk about it.
After reading this it definitely lines up with what I was thinking it’s kind of comforting to know that it’s actually a thing not just in my head. I feel like self-love is something I should work on so thank you for sending me the article.
I moved colleges so I didn’t have to see him anymore so the only contact I have with him is over Facebook I think it’s definitely best for me to block him now.
Thank you so much
After my conversation with my friend I was think that this is what was going on I’m just glad I found this place to talk about it.
After reading this it definitely lines up with what I was thinking it’s kind of comforting to know that it’s actually a thing not just in my head. I feel like self-love is something I should work on so thank you for sending me the article.
I moved colleges so I didn’t have to see him anymore so the only contact I have with him is over Facebook I think it’s definitely best for me to block him now.
Thank you so much