complications with bf

[phantom_dog]

so this is a bit hard to talk about, but i'm not sure what to do.
i know my boyfriend cares about me a lot and loves me, and naturally he makes sure that i'm taking care of myself and doing alright. i have an issue where i only eat once or twice a day, and the portions are very small. i don't know if i have an eating disorder or what (that's what he says, i'll get on to that in a moment) but i hate eating because i feel disgusting about my body and i just feel guilty and awful whenever i eat more than a small portion. he's caught onto this and stresses that i need to eat, that he thinks i have an eating disorder, that i need to get help, etc etc. in fact, we were just now talking about this and he got really upset and went to shower to cool off a bit. i've been telling him i'm okay -- i really do feel fine -- but when he asks if i've eaten today i can't just lie to him and he always gets upset when i tell him i've only eaten once or twice. he tells me that it makes him scared and terrified that i'm going to get really sick or that my body is going to give out. i don't know what to do about this. i really have no ideas on what i can do. i would appreciate feedback and advice. thank you.

[Sam W]

Hi terezichan,

It sounds like this is a really stressful situation for both of you, especially since it seems to have been going on for awhile. While we are not in a position to diagnose you, the feelings you describe about your body and food do match with some of the signs of disordered eating (and even if they didn't match a specific diagnosis, they're causing habits that are going to be detrimental to your body over time). Plenty of people have less than kind feelings about their body or try to develop healthy eating habits, but eating is not really something to feel guilty about. Those kinds of thought patterns are something to talk about with a mental healthcare provider. Do you know how to go about accessing that kind of resource?

While it seems like your boyfriend is acting out of genuine concern for you, it sounds like the ways he's expressing that concern may not be the most helpful or what you need right now. In an ideal world, how would you like him to approach this issue?

[phantom_dog]

yes, i do have a therapist but my mom hasn't scheduled me any appointments with her in awhile and she gets aggravated when i ask because she doesn't think i need that kind of help anymore.

i wouldn't say it's an issue of him being helpful or not. i just really, really don't like being a source of concern for him especially considering he has so much more stress on his shoulders than he should to begin with, and i hate knowing i add to that. i would rather him not pick up on my eating habits so he wouldn't be so worried, but he knows me too well not to pick up on it.

[Alice O]

Hi terezichan,

I'm sorry to hear about the body struggles that you have been facing But I am happy that you took the brave step to reach out on the boards. And, though I understand that it is causing stress right now, I am happy to hear that you have a boyfriend that cares about your health and wellness and wants you to receive the care and support you deserve.

I totally understand not wanting to be a source of concern for your boyfriend. It can be really hard to see those that we care about feeling stressed/afraid/worried for our wellbeing. But there also often isn't a way around it, as hiding our struggles is also not a safe option. Seeing the toll it is taking on loved ones is often something that helps people make the choice to receive outside support in getting to a better, healthier place.

In terms of starting up therapy again, sounds like those conversations with your mom have been tough. Is she aware of your struggles with eating and body image? If not, is it something that you feel comfortable mentioning to her? If you don't feel comfortable talking about that with her, what about saying something like: "Some people in my life have continued to express to me that I should receive support from a counselor. I think that's something that would really help me. I don't feel up for talking more about the specifics right now, but I wanted to mention it to you so that I could schedule another appointment with X (your therapist's name)." How do you think that would go? Every parent relationship is different, and you know your mom, and your relationship with her, best!

[phantom_dog]

my mom sees it as just "a teenager thing" and kind of brushes it off. i don't show signs of being physically unhealthy - i'm at an optimal weight for my height and i'm not constantly getting sick, so i can understand why she might just see it that way. i'm thinking of making the appointment for myself because i have my own insurance card and i could easily get my therapist's number. my mom would probably have an angry initial reaction but eventually not mind.

[Sam W]

I'm sorry to hear that she's brushing off your attempts to share your concerns with her. It can be so hard when you open up to someone only to find out that they don't take your worries seriously. If you feel that making the appointment yourself would be the most effective way to get back to seeing your therapist, then that's absolutely something you can (and should) do.

In your previous meetings with this therapist, did the two of you discuss your feelings about your body and food? If so, did you also talk about ways that you can try to manage those feelings when they arise?

[phantom_dog]

i haven't introduced the topic to my therapist because i was mainly seeing her for emetophobia treatment and cognitive behavioral therapy. i know she has patients who have dispositions towards self image in correlation to eating so i don't doubt her ability to help. a part of me feels like this is something i'm better off helping myself with though, because i've made more progress recovering from other mental health issues on my own than i have with therapy, but i know my boyfriend won't have his mind at ease until i see somebody. the issue is that i don't see it as big a problem as he does necessarily and thus it will be harder for me to take initiative to make changes to my eating habits.

[Sam W]

It sounds like, then, a next step is to broach the topic with her. While there will always be exceptions, most mental healthcare providers want to know when their clients are experiencing thoughts about food or body image like you've described. That kind of information can help a therapist better help the client.

You're right that, if this doesn't feel like a huge issue to you, it can be harder to motivate yourself to change. I actually recommend binging up that point with your therapist as well so that the two of you can plan accordingly. It may also help to reframe it for yourself as seeking this help for you (even if it's a version of you a little ways in the future whose glad you made changes to how you think about food), with the easing of your boyfriends' mind being a positive side effect. How do those steps sound?

[phantom_dog]

that sounds like a good idea, thank you for your help :^)

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome!