Scarleteen

So, not exactly sure if this is the place for a post like this, but I figured I feel comfortable here and didnt really have any place else to go.

So I have posted about OCD in the past, and this post is a much more minor situation than the last. So lets get into it.

I used to watch porn, and do all that teenage boy stuff. Nothing weird or illegal, just people screwing I guess. Usually if I found a specific video I liked I'd remember the girls name or something and look it up again later. Now I'm pretty over it, havent done something like that in a while (atleast regularly) and stopped for good simply because of OCD. So heres the problem, those names I used to remember are also names of people in real life. And whenever I come across a person with a name that a pornstar may have had or sounds like or reminds me of that pornstar, i feel guilty and terrible. Like somehow its wrong for me to associate or even see these people who share names with girls I used to masturbate to. Its the worst. Even if it was several months or years ago. Now of course the reason it makes me feel guilty and strange is because porn makes me guilty in general, and I have accepted that and I dont watch it no more, but how do I move on from this new problem.

I just want to know if there is any way I can an get out of this situation.

This also happens with fictional characters and musicians too. Like if a character in a movie or book shares a name with a pornstar I may have watched or just seen, i feel like I cant watch the film or even think about it.

Can you remind me on if you are getting any treatment for your OCD, or have any ways you manage it on your own?

I do have a therapist yes, but have not been able to see him due to my busy schedule with work and school. Also sorry for the late reply, I've just been so busy.

Got it. It can be tricky to schedule time to meet with a therapist if your days are packed, but it also sounds like this is something that would be helpful to work through with someone who can give you specific tools to combat the feelings of guilt that keep cropping up. Do you know if your therapist offers remote sessions or is able to make appointments at unusual hours for clients who have tricky schedules?

Unfortunately they dont do anything later than 8pm.

Got it. So, when you've seen them in the past, have the two of you had a chance to talk about approaches you can use when dealing with unhelpful patterns of thoughts or feelings? And were there techniques they introduced you to that helped you out in the past?

They were, but every situation had its own variable, like why these situations gave me anxiety. This is one is completely different in a sense that I feel guilty over something that sort of is entirely my fault.

I think it might be helpful to talk with your therapist about why this association (and watching porn in general) makes you feel so guilty; they may have some thoughts on how to address and lessen those feelings of guilt. I realize you may not be able to get in touch with them right away, but when you can, I think this is worth bringing up!
For now, it might be helpful to remember that while you might feel uncomfortable making the association between friends and people you see in porn, those thoughts are internal; you aren't doing harm to anyone else by having them. Maybe if you can keep in mind that your thoughts aren't hurting others, they might hurt you a little less too.

Thank you. I think its safe to say the reason i feel guilty from doing such things in the past is simply the fact that it goes against my values. Im generally not a sexual person, but like everyone sometimes we get feelings, and me being only 17 years old there arent alot of ways of relieving those feelings. Sure I didnt have to use porn but like my therapist has told me many times when your young your young and you do things you might regret.

Its much less about doing harm to anyone. Its more about holding myself to a higher standard. It bothers me to make that association, i know that nobody else knows about it, its the fact that it bothers me and my moral compass.

Hi again

I just realised I left you hanging a bit on your last thread when we were talking about values, I'm sorry. Did you read the rest of this piece?

How to handle a libido that switched from low to high

I ask because it sounds like you're trying to hold yourself to an impossible standard. I definitely advocate for thinking carefully about our values - what we want for ourselves - and trying to act in line with them, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't look at those ideas more closely, and question them a little on a regular basis. As Jaclyn said in that piece, you may want to check in with yourself to make sure your values are realistic and allow for you to be a messy, complicated person. Because we’re all messy and complicated at least some of the time. This dialogue with yourself could be about understanding and letting go of some of that guilt, rather than just reinforcing a sense of shame. I didn't mean to imply that you were acting against your values before, I just wondered if you had thought about what they were, does that make sense?

In this case, I wonder why your thoughts or actions feel immoral to you if you know they are not harming anyone?

I definitely second Mo's thoughts that this is something you probably want to talk to your therapist about next time you manage to see them.

Hello. A relief to here from you again. I have spoken to my therapist and the answer is simple from an OCD point of view, unfortunately it is the hardest decision I've had to make believe it or not. One way my Therapist put it is, if I want to fully accept masturbation, I just have to do it regularly. Like everything else with this disorder, if I face it than I can overcome it.

I too don't understand my morality at times or better yet, never understood why it was so strong it became irrationally strong. There will be times that I have a thought or comment on someone and I beat myself up for it even though i havent said it out loud or elaborated on it. It was just a thought. I suppose it has to do with me always trying to be above those who I feel are rude or inconsiderate.

As for masturbation, the image i have created for myself in my head has no place for a behavior like self pleasure. Atleast until it actually happens. After that I feel I must go through a cleansing period and all these other OCD compulsions. Its almost like a trap, I know masturbation is healthy, I know everyone does it or has done it, snd I may be leading up to actually doing it myself, feeling good about the whole thing. But once it happens I'm brought back down and overcome with guilt. Its a guilt that is so powerful I wish I could take it back. I wish I could speak more about this.

You know, I think that it's pretty important to recognise the difference between trying to be our best selves and beating ourselves up for being "imperfect". Even our best is not going to be everyone's idea of perfect so a bit of forgiveness is good. Like you say, sometimes it is just a thought. In fact, catching ourselves being a bit judgemental and saying to ourselves "huh, I guess I think that way sometimes" is probably part of being a good person, y'know?

I wonder about that image you have created for yourself in your head; does that person get to have good, fun things? Like, are they allowed enjoy a bit of really good ice cream once in a while, or have an unnecessarily long, hot bath, or watch something that makes you laugh? Because those are all kinds of Pleasure, just not necessarily sexual ones. Perhaps if you think about things that make you feel good that you don't feel guilty about, you can take that to explore more with your therapist why this in particular is giving you guilt, even though it's objectively no different to e.g. really enjoying an ice cream on a hot day?

Its only sexual pleasure that seems to bother me. I feel most of it may be from years and years of being told that sex was a devious act. Just like how people say sex sells and we see it in a negative connotation. I know that there isnt anything wrong with sexuality but I cant seem to enjoy it fully without guilt.

Ok, well it sounds like you're building an understanding for yourself about this. I think your therapist is a great person to talk to to help you deal with the guilt you're feeling and how to manage that.

In the meantime, if you want to think a bit more about the negative messaging you've grown up with around sexuality and work through some of those ideas, take a read of these:

I liked masturbating, but then I felt really gross about it. What now?
Undoing Sexual Shame

But none of this is helping my name situation. All the things we have covered about sexuality and guilt I know all of this. I havent learned anything new. I need help with the OCD part of this. The part that isnt logic and reasoning, the part that is my anxiety taking control. What do I do? How can I lessen these issues?

As others have mentioned, that's ultimately the kind of discussion to have with a mental healthcare provider. As we make clear in the user registration, managing mental health disorders like OCD -- which is what you're ultimately asking for help here with at this point -- is simply outside our scope and abilities as a service, I'm afraid.

This link can tell you more about that and suggest some additional resources, if you want or need them: http://www.scarleteen.com/anxiety_and_o ... _resources