Scarleteen

Hi!

I'm very confused at the moment, and I really need of some help or advise.

I lately (I'd say about two years ago) started to actually figure out my sexuality. It never before crossed my mind that I could be something else but straight, since I always had crushes on boys. I was also taught in my childhood that I was expected to marry a man, since I am a woman, and that being in a relationship with a same sex partner was wrong. I never knew to question this until few years back.

Why I'm writing this is because I'm currently in a serious relationship with a man, so serious in fact that we are getting married in three months. I however have really started to feel the need to experience some sexual activities (not having sex in particular) with a woman, since I've never got to do that. Me and my fiance started dating very young and therefore I never had any time for experimenting. I have brought this up once with my man, but he strictly said that I shouldn't experiment with a girl, but I feel as if my lack of experience with woman will haunt me in the future. I will not cheat on my boyfriend nor do I want to leave him for I truly love him. I'm really in a pickle here tho...

I am very thankful for any help or perspective you can provide!

Can you fill me in on what he meant when he said you shouldn't engage in any kind of sex with a woman?

Did he mean that isn't something he is okay with while you two are in a relationship, or was he talking more generally?

Also, is there a woman you're specifically interested in? One of the reasons I tend to ask that when someone says they just want to have sex with someone based on gender is that that often assumes sex with women, for example, is some kind of generic experience that's pretty universal, and that it's necessarily some radically different thing than sex with men. In truth, depending on who is all involved, you can have times when -- like, for example, the personality types and sexualities of the two people are very similar -- sex with one's boyfriend and sex with one's girlfriend isn't that different at all, save that they're not the same person. And how sex is with women varies super-widely: what we do or don't feel being sexual with one woman isn't ever going to give us answers about how we feel about all women, or what we want with all women, you know?

Secondarily, what I hear is you being concerned you're potentially getting married too soon, before you've had life experience -- like dating -- you'd rather have first. 19 is very young to get married, even for someone with some other dating experience, so I'm hardly surprised you're feeling that way. Perhaps it makes sense to also really talk some -- with us, and with this guy -- about that?

Yes,hi. Thank you for your answer!

My fiance totally accepts and celebrates my bisexuality, so he definitely isn't judging me in any way, if that was what you were going for.

I'm actually not interested in having sex with a woman (or with anyone else but my boyfriend to be exact) but rather in taking some time to for myself to "explore" my sexuality and in a way "validate" my bisexuality to myself. What I mean by that is basically making out or kissing a woman I am attracted to. Even tho I know I am attracted to more than just one gender I tend to question myself constantly and wonder if it's all in my head and I'm starting to really feel the burden. But I do see the point in what you're saying.

And there is no specific woman, even tho I have had crushes on some.

What comes to the marriage, I have had hesitations, I'll admit. But I still know that he really is the person I want to share my life with, he is my (sorry for being so cheesy) soulmate, and I couldn't replace him with anyone else.

Wow writing this is very hard, I am realizing I have issues with gathering my thoughts about this and writing them down... I'm sorry if this makes no sense. (English is not my first language if you didn't yet notice)

And back to the point, I'm actually planning on talking about this subject more with the boyfriend tonight.

It's okay (and it's not on you that we only offer services in English -- that's our failing!).

It sounds like we might have more of a conversation after you talk more about this with him tonight. I am particularly thinking that it sounds like you are saying you want to have some sexual -- and by that, I mean coming from a place of sexual attraction and interest -- activity with women, like making out, while you are still in a relationship with him, but he seems to be saying he isn't okay with that. And if that's the case, then you stand at an impasse, where you might simply have to choose between these things.

Of course, I also want to inject that married people are not always monogamous, and that doesn't have to be cheating. In other words, even if you get married and stay married to this person for a long time, even a lifetime, right now may not be the only time you can have the opportunity to be sexual with others besides this person. Of course, you also hopefully don't have to get married in a few months, even if you want to marry this person eventually. Hopefully, if by this token or any other -- like your age, for instance -- this really feels too fast for you, you can ask to slow things down and your boyfriend will want to respect that rather than have you feel like you're rushing in.

How do you feel about talking more with him tonight then checking back in here after or later?