Dating a guy with kids

[marilos87]

Hi Scarleteen,

I’m a 24 year old who is dating a 32 year old who lives with his parents and has a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I get along with his daughter great and I love her like she’s my own but my only problem is that my boyfriend and I hardly get any alone time. I honestly don’t remember the last time we went on a date together just me and him. Sometimes I feel like my boyfriend only wants to see me when his daughter is home and not at her mother’s because when she is at her mothers he stays home all day and plays fortnite and doesn’t want me to come over. It gets very frustrating. I love him and his daughter but the lack of intimacy is really starting to get to me. What can I do?

Also this is a small issue but when I started dating my boyfriend me, him and his daughter used to watch movies together on his bed and his daughter would cuddle up to me but she won’t do it anymore so now when the 3 of us watch movies together she’ll cuddle up to him and I always feel like a 3rd wheel. I told my bf if he wants to watch movies with her to leave me out of it because I feel very awkward now that she won’t cuddle with me. Is there something I can do to get her to cuddle with both of us?

[Heather]

Seems to me what you need to do is to let him know how you're feeling, and to ask him to make more time to see you without his daughter. Asking for a just-you-two date night on the regular (let's say once a week or every other, depending on how often you see each other) is more than fair, especially since it looks like he has help from his family in caring for her, so working out some childcare shouldn't be difficult for him.

Per the second bit, honestly, kids shouldn't ever feel like they have to be physically affectionate with anyone they don't want to be. That's a really central consent issue. So is everyone doing their best not to try and make them think they have to cuddle if and when they don't want to, or who they don't want to. So, no, I would say that even if there were something you could do to try and convince her to cuddle with you when she obviously doesn't want to, you shouldn't do that, but should instead just respect and accept what she wants to do. Can you say more about why you feel awkward because she isn't cuddling everyone at these times, but only her parent?

[marilos87]

Thanks for the reply. And the only reason I feel awkward is because I’m usually big on cuddling when I’m watching movies with people so when the 2 people I love cuddling with don’t want to cuddle with me I feel lonely and sad and that I don’t belong there.

[Heather]

Of course.

So, it sounds like this is more about how you feel about her not being cuddly with you right now, period. (Which could be for any number of reasons, including that she's just in a space right now where she's feeling more physically affectionate with her Dad, or more like she needs to make a little space from you -- as kids develop, this happens with parents, parent figures, and all kinds of people from time to time -- or for no reason at all.) And maybe about your boyfriend also not being cuddly with you.

I think the best tactic here may, again, be to talk to him. If HE is also only being affectionate with his daughter during these times, then it's sounding like the two of them are making movie-watching more of their own thing separate from you. So, you could ask -- as you first suggested -- if they could just make it something they do without you when you aren't around then. Alternately, you could tell him how this makes you feel and ask him to be a bit more mindful about leaving you hanging without any expressed affection to you while he's expressing it to his kid.

[marilos87]

I mentioned the date night idea to him earlier. He’s taking me on a date tonight I’ll wait to talk to him about cuddling with his daughter. I don’t want to start any arguments tonight lol. Thanks for the advice, Heather.

[Heather]

Sounds to me like you should just enjoy yourself tonight, too! After all, you asked for and got what you want: I agree celebrating it is in order.

And you're welcome. Feel free to shout back if you need.