The first time and gynecology

[Princess26]

I’m 16, soon to be 17, and I feel like I’m ready to have sex with my boyfriend, who is 18 and a virgin too. We have been together for 6 months and we both want to do it. But I feel like I would disappoint my mom because she wants me to wait longer. Also I’m scared of pregnancy because condoms aren’t 100% safe. And what if my mom wants me to visit gynecologist and she asks me what happened there and maybe she will find out that I’m no longer a virgin.
So can you tell me what happens at the gynecologist when you are a virgin? How is the first time?
Thanks for your time!

[Boxers&socks]

Hi Princess26,

It sounds like you have a few questions and concerns: your mother being disappointed in your decision to have sex now, nervousness about pregnancy, and what happens when you go to the gynecologist for the first time.

Sixteen/seventeen is an appropriate age to go see a gynecologist whether or not you are sexually active, so it may be helpful to go anyway, particularly because they will be able to help you decide on the best form(s) of birth control before you become sexually active. I'm not sure if your parents would have to give consent for something like a hormonal birth control prescription where you live, but if you are worried about your mom finding out it may be good to ask your doctor if that's the case. While pregnancy prevention can't be 100% guaranteed, using two methods of birth control instead of one can offer some peace of mind (e.g. IUD & condoms). I found this article on Scarleteen's website about what to expect at your first gynecological visit:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodie ... gist_visit.

I can't speak too much to your concerns about your mom because I don't know enough about your relationship, but ultimately she probably wants to protect your health, safety, and emotional well-being. Going to the gynecologist is a proactive step towards doing that for yourself and in the end decisions about your sexuality and sexual health are your own to make. If you don't feel safe/comfortable talking to your mom about sex just yet, do you think there's another trusted adult that you could talk to?

I hope this helps and good luck

[Siân]

Hi Princess26,

I just wanted to expand a little on what Boxers&socks said. The buddy system of birth control is a good suggestion, and we have more info on that here: The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method. Don't forget that there are lots of different ways to be sexual with someone, many of which don't carry pregnancy risks. Why not speak to your boyfriend and have a conversation with him about what kinds of sex you're both interested in exploring? Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

When it comes to healthcare and your mom, my understanding is that in Estonia there is no minimum age at which you can consent to medical treatment without your parent's permission. Effectively, this means that IF the doctor thinks you're mature enough they can prescribe birth control without asking your mom and without passing information on to her. You should be able to talk to the doctor at the beginning of an appoint and confirm that you have this confidentiality in place before discussing anything further. The same goes for your gynecologist. Would you like help thinking about how to have this conversation?

As for anyone finding out what kinds of sex you have and haven't had, that's just not something a gynecologist can reliably know from an examination. Have a read of this Can a Gynecologist Tell if I'm a Virgin?. What do you think?