Scarleteen

Hi,
at age 13 to 16 1/2 I identified as bisexual. I always wanted to visit a café for queer people to figure out if I "really" was bisexual or not, but I was way to shy to go there. My problem was (and still kinda is) if I made up being bisexual since I had a fairly bad experience with a guy that used me as his online-sidechick at age 14. The experience left me being afraid of men, male bodies and having nearly no self confidence. Therefore I projected my feelings on women. I had a small crush (or maybe I was just afraid in the situation and simply wanted to pretend I like them) on two girls and a major crush on a guy. However, I couldn't really deal with the crush on him especially since I've never crushed that hard on somebody before.

Two months ago I've decided to come out as straight to my friends. At the same time, I started visiting the queer café and really, really liked it. The people are so amazing and I want to get to know them better since I want to make new friends, too. I struggle a bit with being straight in general but I think It's wrong to pretend I'm bisexual any longer. I've never been in love with a woman, I cannot imagine beeing in a relationship with a cis-woman, I'm not aroused by cis-female bodies as I'm by cis-male bodies therefore the bisexual label does not really fit. I don't know. My problem is if I should stop going to the queer café since I'm obviously straight even though I want to meet people who have the same opinions like mine on queer politics and are queer themselves. It's a safe place for me, too because I don't have to defend myself for having certain opinions. I feel home there but also very guilty. Being "secretly straight" feels awful. I fear they won't like my anymore or forbid my visiting the café ever again even though I'm 100% on their side just because I only can be with men*. Being straight is weird for me since I'm afraid of having intercourse with cis-men and beeing with cis-men because I fear they'll exploit me. The same could happen with a woman but I'm somehow less afraid of woman in general than of men. Being straight only gives me the option to be with men* thefore I struggle with accepting it because I have to face my fears. If I could choose I'd like to by bisexual and biromantic. But I can't, and I think I wanted it too hard because I'd feel special and safe.
My close friends still love me, straight or queer, but while they had a hard time accepting their queerness it's reversed in my case.

The question is, knowing about my struggle with beeing straight, should I still visit the café or would it be "wrong"? Would it be wrong going to the Christopher Street Day, too?

Hi Maugin,

I'm going to be honest with you; I don't have any yes/no answers for you here. So I'm going to do my best, and see if any of our other awesome vols have some more wisdom to share.

For your question, let's first talk about being a good ally. An ally is someone who may not be LGBTQ+ but actively supports these communities, whether that's through activism or in everyday ways. There are lots of reasons why allies are important: maybe our voices can be used to amplify a message, or our votes are important in changing a law, or we help bringing ideas into the mainstream. Being an ally is about listening first, then asking "so what can I do to help?". Sometimes the answer to that is "come to the parade and show your support!", sometimes it is "be mindful when you're in queer spaces". One article summed it up as how can you ensure that your presence in a LGBTQ+ space is supportive rather than intrusive and commoditizing?

Here are a couple of resources for allies: Straight for Equality and PFLAG's guide to being a straight ally

Things you can think about: having identified as bisexual, and currently identifying as heteroflexible and gender-nonconforming, is queer part of your identity too? Is the cafe you go to trying to be queer-only, or for queer people and their allies? By being there, are you taking a place from someone else? Do you feel like you are actively trying to mislead people or has it just never come up? Is there anyone there you feel able to speak to and ask if they have opinions on this? What other spaces might you be able to find for queer people AND their allies? What about women*-only spaces where you might find friendship and support?

There are a couple of other things you mentioned that it would be good to talk about more if you like: you talk about struggling with working out your identity and coming to terms with that, and of the fears you have around relationships with cis-men. Would you be open to exploring about these?

Thank you for your early and helping reply!

About being an ally: I think that's something I do anyway, at least in everyday life. What do you mean by being intrusive? As far as I reflected my behaviour I never tried talking somebody down or made somebody uncomfortable. I'm pretty aware of not being a shitty person.

The café is addressed to members of the LGBTQIA+ community only, or at least there is no explicit invitation for allies. I'm not taking anyone's place since its open and not limited for a certain number of people.
I've gone there a couple of times now but haven't talked thaaat much, rather played boar games and had fun etc.
I don't plan on misleading anybody in general. In terms of sexual interest I'm open to explore but I'd never engage in something with someone I'm not romantically/sexually interested if they'd approach me.
At my first visit I talked to one of the adults who run the organisation. I told her I'm not sure whether I'm bisexual or not, that I'm supported by my friends but my parents don't know anything. However, I was freaking nervous in certain situation and she assumed I unsure whether I'm bi or lesbian. I also didn't told her about that I've started to question my gender identity or rather want to explore what gender even means.
There is a boy I feel comfortable talking to. He is a little younger than me but we like each other friendship-wise. I'm going to ask him about his opinion on my next visit.
The problem with finding another place is that it already takes me an hour to go there and any other meetup places are even further away or collide with my school-stuff.

I feel like "heteroflexible" is not "enough" to be part of the queer community or is somehow erasing bisexual identity. I might ask my bisexual friend about that. She already told me in a past conversation that not feeling "enough" does not invalidate your identity. However, she has a girlfriend and I'm having a strong preference for men*.
I'm slightly confused about my gender identity. Sometimes I fantasize about having a flatter or smaller chest. I'm unsure whether that's a gender-thing or a I-simply-do-not-like-the-way-my-chest-looks-thing. The chest-thing started roughly a year ago. Sometimes I forget about it and sometimes I cannot stop thinking about it. But I never experienced a breakdown or something similar it's rather beeing fully aware of having breast and not beeing that comfortable with it. I tried binding with a sports bra and felt glorious at first because I liked the look and miserable after 5 minutes because I could feel my breasts even more and was afraid of hurting my chest tissue. It might be connected to the fear of cis-men because I connect my breasts to beeing treated badly.
Additionally I feel comfortable being referred to with genderless terms and if people don't know if I'm "a boy or a girl". The people in the café who asked about my pronouns use she/her,he/him or no pronouns. I'd like they/them better but that's complicated in German. But I'm willing to explore how those pronouns feel.
However, I'm also not sure if it's a phase (since I thought about not beeing 100% woman only 2 months ago again after telling that guy, when I first thought about it at age 14, who said he won't be attracted to me any more then) or if I simply want to avoid beeing sexualized or want to feel more "powerful" because I associate being femme with being weak. I know that's not true but my brain might tell me.
Yet I feel comfortable with presenting androgynous or gender-nonconforming since childhood but I'm also afraid that no man will find my attractive. I'm definitely looking very masculine/androgynous and I've never heard of somebody male liking that. (I know somebody will like the way I express myself but meeting them and liking them back is a different thing.) Nevertheless I feel like it's not worthy enough. I wouldn't say I'm trans* because I don't freak out beeing called she/her or a woman but definitely feel kinda lost in the "straight woman" section, too.
I'm kinda open to dating cis-men or trans men and I educated myself a lot about communication and self-love and everything else and inbetween. Nevertheless there is still fear left. Hooking up or having any kind of sex right now won't work for me. However I'm willing to try engaging with someone to learn to trust them. The aspect of opening up might be a little complicated but as long as the respect is mutual I'm willing to have a romantic/sexual relationship in the near future.

I might talk about the whole thing with my friends again in the near future. The gender-thing is the weirdest part. I don't understand it myself and my friends don't really know much about gender in gen(d)eral therefore I'll have to explain myself and I'm not looking very forward to that. They'll still accept me but I don't want them to think I'm making it up. Especially with my best friend. She is a straight femme woman and in terms of presenting, dating, having sex and gender I feel inferior to her. I know it comes from my own insecurity but how do I move past that?

I wonder: while I hear you saying you don't feel like this applies to you, I also hear you saying a lot that sounds like it most certainly does, so have you read through our Trans Summer School series? I specifically think the bits around concerns about being "trans enough" or only being trans if you feel specific ways might really help you out: Welcome to Trans Summer School!

I'd strongly suggest you try to keep yourself from generalizing, whether that's about how trans people must or all do behave (eg, freaking out about pronouns), or about to what or who men are attracted (human sexuality is way more diverse than the kind of exclusions of attraction you seem to be worried about). I truly promise that people, gender and sexualities are all truly way, way more diverse than that, and I think thinking about them more narrowly is only going to make you feel more isolated instead of more connected, you know?

Dear Heather,

I did not want to come of as rude. I know nobody needs to be "trans enough" to be trans but when that applies to me I'm fairly irrational, therefore I want to apologize. I might think about it more to find out what actually fits in my case. Also I know about the diversity of human sexuality but sometimes I forget about it because I've never experienced somebody being at attracted to me.

Yet, thank you for your kind response.
Sincerely, Maugin

You didn't come off as rude at all, and there's no need for apologies. I was saying that for your benefit, and to *you* because that most certainly includes you. I wanted to validate your identity in saying that.

Also, you may well have had people attracted to you, they just may not have let you know, as will often be the case. Just because we're attracted doesn't mean we act on it; sometimes, many times, even, we'll choose not to for any number of reasons.