My mother is so... I honestly don't know what to say anymore...

[KittyPink]

So, good news shot down by bad news, so I got approved for hormone blockers, but my mother who I might be living with is saying that she won't let me live with her because my "obsession" and "want" to medically transition is making me inherently irresponsible because I'm not taking care of "other mental health problems." (Read that as depression and anxiety, I choose not to get medication for.) And so, the thing is I'm not sure if I'd even be able to stay with her, and she's basically saying choose something that you need for your mental health or choose something you need for your physical health. She's not going to let me with her even if I stop taking them after I move in with her. And like it's just unreasonable to expect me to make that decision when they are both things I kind of need.

[Sam W]

Hi Kittypink,

I'm sorry to hear your mom is continuing to behave this way, and that she's making your access to a living space contingent on you not getting gender affirming healthcare.

I think we've touched on this before, given how your mom treats you, but have you given any thought to ways you may be able to find a place to live that your mom didn't control (it sounds like your living situation is already kind of in flux, but please correct me if I've got that wrong)? They can be tricky to find sometimes, but it's likely there are other options for places to live where you can both have a safe place to live while not being forced to go without medical care.

[Bessie F.]

Hi, Kittypink,

I hope it's okay I'm jumping in here. I'm so sorry to hear about your continuing difficult history with your mother.

In previous posts, it seemed like you were going to try to set a boundary with your mom where you wouldn't discuss with her anything about transitioning. How has that worked out?

I'm with Sam in trying to find a place to live outside of your mom's control. Have you tried finding a local housing resource?

[KittyPink]

Because of recent events, me and my grandmother can't live together because we can't afford to be on our own, and I'm not able to rent without a co-signer, I am currently unemployed, an unable to find a friend to stay with. My mother feels like I would expect her to pay for it, and she thinks I won't be responsible because I'll be too worried about getting blockers (mind you I've waited pretty damn patiently) and that I have "no reason medically" to take them. (Well, I do, just like all my other meds, but as with most of meds except for my ADHD meds and perhaps my allergy meds aren't technically medically "nessicary") It's something for my mental health.

[KittyPink]

Additionally, a lot of the local housing resources aren't very trans friendly or friendly in general, and are mainly shelters and the other stuff is financial/work ability based and voucher based, so I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to be able to do. The women's shelters aren't trans friendly at all and the men's shelter... I don't even wanna get started on it. And no other shelter as a far as I'm aware of I'd be able to get into.

[Sam W]

That sounds like a lot to be dealing with right now, and unfortunately it seems like there's unlikely to be an option that's an easy resolution, and I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with it. Right now, it seems like it boils down to staying with your mom and going without care you need or dealing with an aggravating, somewhat intimidating process to find a new space to live. If you'd like the kinds of help we can give with either of these options, let us know and we'll do what we can to help you out. Too, if it's less about looking for concrete advice right now, would you just like us to be here to listen to you vent when you need to, and to back up your likely very valid feelings about this whole situation?

[KittyPink]

So, status update on my whole situation, so I'm living with my grandmother still, but it's just me and her, because our landlord kinda knocked our rent down because we always paid it early. My grandmother, however, despite the fact I might have to work part time to make some ends meet, won't let me take blockers or estrogen because she wants to wait until I'm 21 and on my own even though it's covered right now, and it would save me a lot of money farther down the line transition wise, so I'm feeling like this is her either trying to be "better than my mother" or just plain ol' transphobia. I want to convince her to think otherwise, but I'm not sure how to.

[Alice O]

Hey KittyPink,

Amidst the really tough housing situation you are having to navigate, I am glad to hear that your landlord brought you and your grandmother's rent down!

But I am of course sorry to hear that your grandmother is not supportive of you transitioning. Along with the financial benefits, I can only imagine that getting gender-affirmative healthcare sooner rather than later would be a huge benefit for your mental health and every-day life!

Since I haven't read all your board posts, I am not as in the loop as others with your family dynamics. Have you been able to convince your grandmother in the past? Or does she stay pretty staunchly where she is? If you don't do what she prefers, what are the consequences? Ultimately you know best whether it's possible to try to get your grandmother to support your gender identity or if that is a waste of emotional energy.

[KittyPink]

I'm honestly not sure if it's possible to convince my grandmother because I've gotten mixed signals, and I've also had to argue a lot for certain things.

[Heather]

By any chance, have you talked about any of this with the clinic or healthcare provider who okayed you for the hormone blockers? And by "any of this," I mean your family's getting in the way of your medical care and suggested medication plan, as well as your struggles with a supportive place to live?

I ask because it may well be that they can help in some way, either by getting you connected to trans-inclusive housing you might not know about, or emancipation to get you more rights, or a discussion with one of your family members about how it's not okay for them to try and blackmail you with a lack of housing to keep you from your currently suggested medical care.