Scarleteen

Hi Scarleteen,

I wasn’t sure what section this question would fit into so I’m sorry if this isn’t the right one. Anyway, I seem to be having issues with eye contact while having sex with my boyfriend. It seems to be really bothering him and it’s bothering me too. I’m comfortable making eye contact with anyone, even my boyfriend, but when we’re being intimitate I feel awkward I guess. I think it stems from insecurities I have and I don’t think I look very attractive when we’re having sex honestly. On the other hand, I know my boyfriend loves me but he has a hard time showing his feelings for me so sometimes I feel like there’s no reason to be that intimate with him. Does that even make sense? The only times I find myself making eye contact with him during sex is when I’m talking dirty but he wants me to do it more intimately and I’m not entirely sure how to do this either. Are there specific times when couples should be making eye contact during sex? Should we be making eye contact when we’re kissing? When we’re not kissing? When I’m on top? When he’s on top? Sorry for all the questions I’m just very confused.

Also another issue I have is, like I mentioned before, my boyfriend has a hard time showing his feelings for me. He claims it comes from being in the army which I believe but he also has a daughter and I see him showing his feelings towards her all the time. I understand it’s his daughter but the feelings he shows her are the feelings I have to beg him to show me. I just don’t know if him not showing his feelings towards me are really from the army or if he just really doesn’t love me the way he says he does. The only way I can really almost get feelings out of him is through text messages but all bets are off when we’re in person. I think the fact that he doesn’t show his feelings towards me has a significant impact on why I can’t make eye contact during sex as well because I feel like maybe he doesn’t really love me. What can I do about this?

Hi Marilos!

Firstly, I have noticed the word 'should' in your first paragraph a few times. Which makes a certain part of my advice repertoire jump into action. My go-to, 99% of the time, is that there isn't anything you 'should' be doing. Your sex with your partner, is your space. You can do what feels good and avoid what doesn't feel good and the only thing to negotiate is whether you both consent and are happy with those decisions.

Secondly, however, my heart really goes out to you, because it sounds like you and your boyfriend are dealing with some difficult feelings, which could take some time to figure out. I don't know what his experience has been in the military but I do know that for many people who have been in army situations where they are training for conflict, vulnerability can be a very scary thing to feel and express.

I would take his word that showing care and feeling towards you is likely a result of what he may have been through, rather than what he feels towards you... which for whatever reason is something he isn't expressing. And if he is closed off to parts of that intimacy, it may be something he himself doesn't understand.

I can also see how showing parental love to your child could be very different to feeling the vulnerability that comes with looking someone in the eye when you are having sex or showing feeling towards another adult.

I don't know if this situation, as it is, works for you? You are in no obligation to stay in a relationship that doesn't feel right to you. But if you feel like investing, and could enjoy the way your relationship currently is, if there was no question of his enthusiasm (which is i think what you are questioning here) it does sound like you can have a positive, caring thing that sees some of these difficulties improve. With a caveat, on that last part, that he would like to work on it.

It sounds to me like the next step would be to talk to him more about it, there are lots of things I would be intersted to hear about.

E.g. Does he understand how you are feeling? Are there things he needs to grow more comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability? Can he handle what your needs are?

I hope you are ok. It sounds like a part of this is making you feel really lonely, but you are doing the rigth thing by questioning it... and hopefully this can help us get to a point where you know what you want to happen next.

Thanks Jacob. Sorry for the late reply. Since I've written this post, I seem to have somehow been able to get myself to make eye contact with my boyfriend during sex and he loves it.

As for talking to him about my feelings.. that's a whole other story. He tends to shut me out and won't let me talk.

I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend shuts you out when you want to talk about your feelings. Is he not receptive to those sorts of discussions at all? It sounds like you struggle to feel a lot of emotional intimacy with him, from what you said earlier, so it's a little concerning that it sounds like he's not willing to listen when you want to talk about this and other issues.