In a previous post I mentioned that I was, in a sense, uncomfortable with masturbating. I am nearly 15 and a socially transitioned FTM. I have had insecurities with my genitals since I was about eight, but now because of the horrors of female puberty I am more so than ever before. It's not that it changed downstairs that really bothered me, it's just the addition of tits is just a big old "FUCK YOU!" from mother nature. It's too much. And the fact that I have less muscle definition than I used to also pisses me off, so all in all I don't feel comfortable with my body or touching it unless I'm on the good shit (weed).
But, nonetheless I am still a horny teenager. A horny teenager who sees some guy on Instagram or Tumblr and goes "I'd fuck him." And such things can't be pent up forever, so your boy got his friend with a drunk of a mom to buy him a dildo online and hid it in a box in a bag in a bag in a drawer in his room, only using it when need be. So sometimes I'll do it once a week, sometimes I'll do it multiple times a day, sometimes I'll do it just once a day, it honestly depends.
So I'm going to go into detail into how I approach this. So I always take everything off except a big hoodie so I don't have to look at my chest. I'll go on YouTube and listen to "She's My Collar" or "Dead Girl Walking" or just something to get me turned on. I grab this thick old robe from my "cis" days and put it on the bed so I don't get it wet. Then, I clear my head of all the shit that's gone on that day and just think about having a good time. So I unpackage my dildo and try not to stare at it too long, suck it a little so it'll go in better while simultaneously rubbing myself a little. I lay down and get into a comfortable position, usually consisting of me laying on my back and spreading my legs sideways with my arm carelessly over my head. Very chill. I tease myself with the toy by gliding it over and then I put it in. I like things fast and rough, but still sweet with soft words. I just kind of fuck myself silly for 20 minutes, not thinking about how wrong it would feel when it was over. I buck my hips quite a lot, it kind of helps me feel more masculine/in control of the situation
Then I stop. I feel dysphoric, depressed, and ashamed of myself. I feel like I was not supposed to like it, like as a boy with a cunt I shouldn't want anything to do with that sort of shit, I shouldn't like it. But in the moment, I do like it. I like it a hell of a lot. I sometimes ponder if I should just stop getting off all together, but I get scared I'll be thinking about sex and boys all the time and not be able to focus on art class and other stuff (if my art suffers, I suffer). Any advice or anything? Am I doing it wrong? Am I just too dysphoric?
Scarleteen is closed for the next two days, so that's Thursday, October 31st (for Halloween) and Friday, November 1st (for Diwali). We'll be back and able to answer your questions on Saturday. Catch you soon!
Elaboration
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- not a newbie
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- Sexual identity: Gay
- Location: South Bend, Indiana
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- previous staff/volunteer
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Re: Elaboration
Hey Boone,
Thanks for the elaboration! Since I answered your other post first with some questions about this, I think it's best we continue the conversation there so that it doesn't end up split between two posts.
Thanks for the elaboration! Since I answered your other post first with some questions about this, I think it's best we continue the conversation there so that it doesn't end up split between two posts.
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.