How to Regain Trust.

[mlembaker]

I am currently seeing a boy and we are not officially dating. I do have very very strong feelings for him but he does not like getting close to people and I respect his space. The first time I was dishonest with him was when I lied about my age. I told him I was not a minor, and when he found out, he was rightfully upset. I tried my best to reassure him that I would never put him in danger, and overtime he became less upset with me but his previous trust was never fully restored. He saw that I had been talking to other boys before I started seeing him, and would not believe that that was in the past and that my feelings for him are no different than the surface feelings I had for the other ones, because I liked the attention, it fueled my fragile self-confidence. He has expressed not wanting to meet my parents until I turn 18 and I respect that, but not wanting to lie to my parents as I have in the past, I told them vaguely about him even though I assured him I would not do that. He pulled that information out of me even though the details were so insignificant such as his hair color or his race. This last encounter seemed like the final straw (occurred yesterday) when he straight out told me he doesn't trust me. Rather than defending myself as I have in the past, I said that I hate that he can't trust me. I feel so strongly for him and I want to repair this relationship because we make each other so happy, but I don't know how to balance my relationship with him and my parents, or how much privacy I should be allowed to have without feeling obligated to tell him something. He gets upset when I try to defend myself, even if I'm trying to explain myself, so I have just started agreeing with him when he accuses me of something such as "Yes, I did lie, and I take full responsibility for that". He says that he wants me to take responsibility because he cares about me and wants to see me confront my issues rather than deflecting, and I respect that, but I can't help but think that he is not 100% in the clear.

[Alice O]

Hey miembaker,

Welcome to the boards

Sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now! Navigating your relationship with this romantic interest, navigating your relationship with your family, while also trying to listen to yourself...sounds overwhelming!

A few questions I have so I can better get a sense of the situation:

How old is this guy you've been (non-officially) dating? You mentioned being a "minor" and waiting until your 18th birthday for him to meet your parents, which makes me think he is significantly older than you, is that right?

From what I can tell, it sounds like you did lie to him about your age, a lie you later took responsibility for. But other than that I'm not seeing a lot of lying on your end. Yes, you did mention him to your parents after telling him you wouldn't, but to me that sounds like you trying to keep everyone happy within the tough situation you found yourself in. What I am hearing is a lot of you telling him things (like that you don't have feelings for certain other boys) and him not believing you. And also a lot of him not listening to you when you want to explain what you are feeling or what you have been experiencing. Does that seem like an accurate read on the situation? Or are there other times you have lied to him that you left out?

Would you say he is possessive or jealous?

What has your parents response been to hearing about him? What's your relationship with your parents like?

Are you friends aware you are (non-officially) dating him? What do they think of him?

I'll leave it at that for now Looking forward to hearing more!