My doctor told me I didn’t need to disclose my herpes

[Quasiromantic]

Hey guys, im completely new here registered today, guess I’ve only just accepted that I have Herpes .

So when I was diagnosed with Herpes about a year ago my doctor told me it wasn’t necessary to tell my sexual partners I had it if I didn’t want to, because it was so common and unharmful.

Recently I have felt appalled and ashamed at my self for not telling three people who I have slept with that I have the infection. I cannot tell you how scared I am about telling them, but I feel like it is the best thing to do. I have kept it a secret and tried to deny it / hide it from myself, for fear of the social stigma and/or people sharing my personal information with pthwr people in my circle. I was really hoping for some advice how to go about being honest with these people, without hurting their feelings and coming across like a bad person. Please help

[Heather]

I want to start by letting you know that following the advice your doctor gave you is understandable, not just because that's what we're all ideally supposed to be doing, but also because it can feel so stigmatized that of course just about anyone is going to be glad to be given an out from opening themselves up to that. I don't think you're a bad person, if that offers you anything at all.

I would suggest you just tell them what you've told us here: this was the advice your doctor gave you, and you initially followed it, but have lately felt very conflicted so wanted to tell them. You can apologize and just take responsibility for not telling them ("I'm sorry about that, I take responsibility for my choice."). Then you can ask what, if anything, you can do for them from there.

And that's about it: that really is all you can do, and I think it's all you're obligated to do. While I personally disagree with your doctor's advice, again, it is advice you were given with authority in a loaded situation, and it's so understandable you took it. You can't control their feelings with this, I'm afraid: you just need to let them have them and accept them.

Moving forward, I'd encourage you to realize that because HSV *IS* so common, go ahead and try not to expect stigma. You may just wind up telling people who already have it (I don't myself, but I have had so many partners over the years tell me, and it was fine every time, again, if something personal helps), or you may tell people who don't, but are cool, and maybe just want to talk about how to help prevent transmission.If you want to talk more about how to do that, we can certainly do that here with you.

[Quasiromantic]

Thank you heather you have really helped put my mind at ease

So I just bit the bullet and told one of the people, and they were so understanding, she seemed to really respect me for being honest with her even tho I wasn't initially and I think it almost made us closer in a really odd way. It also felt good to educate someone about Herpes, although fortunately she new a little bit about it already which made things go a lot easier. I really like this particular girl especially after she was so understanding ,but I really don't know how to re kindle that flame, haha, it's a little bit of a mood kill, I was wandering if you had any advice on that?

I think what bought this on was an attack at me from my ex. I think someone I had slept with previously, may have caught herpes off of me, and she may have told her friend who told my ex, because my ex was appalled at me and called me some horrible names, because of 'something she heard about me' and it its the only thing I could think of she would of heard. Although she knows I am a very anxious/paranoid person. I never considered my actions could be seen as malicious, or disgusting, and I was filled with self loathing, but thats what she would of wanted me to feel. It shouldn't of taken that for me to realise that I had acted wrongly, but I feel less bad about myself after hearing your responce, and the person who I had just told. However I am worried that a big part of me wanting to be honest with people is because I am worried that people would know I had herpes, or think differently of me, as a pose to because I genuinely care about being honest

I am also worried about my confidence now, the last time I had sex was a real boost in confidence for me, but now I've sort of come to terms with my responsibility as someone living with herpes I feel like it's knocked it again, which is a horrible thought for me, Especially if my ex decides to spread it around that I have herpes, I feel like girls would be less attracted to me, and I really like having sex!

The next two people I should tell is going to be much harder, as they are my friends and we have slept together more than once and one of them explicitly asked me if i had any STDs and I had lied. Which does kind of make me a bad person I guess. I was just ashamed. Seems society is much more harmful to people with herpes than herpes is to the people who have it I wouldn't want to wish that shame on anyone else

P.S sorry for ranting I have'nt spoken about this to anyone

[Heather]

It's okay to say a lot: the whole point of this space being here is to give people a place to talk about things it can be so hard to find a place to talk about.

Reading all of this, I just want to let you know that I absolutely believe you that none of this was about malice or meaning to harm anyone. I personally think your doctor gave you lousy information, and like I said before, I also understand feeling very afraid about all of this and not making your best choices from both those places. Part of living life is messing up sometimes and learning how to not keep messing up. It's unavoidable, really.

Per maybe starting up something again with this girl you just talked to, maybe give her a few days to digest this, then perhaps just ask her if she wants to hang out sometime soon?

What do you feel like would help you, as a person with Herpes, to feel confident again?

[Quasiromantic]

I suppose that when I first really became aware of herpes, it was when I heard about a girl who had it where I went to college, and everyone seemed to know about it.. I appreciate guys can be a lot less sensitive than girls, and more objectifying, but I heard a lot of comments like ‘don’t sleep with her’, or ‘don’t share a cigarette with her or her boyfriend’, which is so sad thinking about it now what she must of gone through.

I guess I’m just anxious that if people find out within my circle, they may ‘warn’ girls not to sleep with me, and I’m just worried girls may think I’m somehow tricking them into sleeping with me because I have herpes. Knowing what I know now about herpes it all seems ridiculous, and I’m not actually hardly bothered by the actual condition, I think it’s just social anxiety. I think part of what made me anxious was that the people I slept with didn’t know, and I felt guilty and wrong. And I realise that now, so being honest and open henceforth might actually make this easier. I guess I’m worried I’ll feel guilty chatting people up, or leading them on??? And what people might think in my circles if they know I gave herpes.

I’m not some sort of player by the way :,) ! But I do like hook up culture and I’m only 20 years old And puberty has done me well, my teenage years were a feminem drout, I don’t want my sex life to suffer too bad and I really dont want to feel guilty sleeping with people. )

[Mo]

As long as you make sure your partners know about your herpes and how you're managing it, and they understand the risks and ways to help prevent transmission, the decision to be sexual with you or not is theirs to make; I don't think there's a reason to feel guilty if they choose to have sex with you based on that information.
Your thought that being honest and open with partners (or potential partners) moving forward will make things feel easier & better is the right one, I think!