Scarleteen

Hi,
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. We're going through a rough patch and I think it all started one night when he did something that I wasn't comfortable with. He came over to my apartment one day and it started getting hot under the covers. He then suggests we do the 69 even though he knows I feel very uncomfortable with that position. We' had done it a couple of times before this particular night but when I said I didn't want to, he proceeded to ask for about twenty minutes. He kept saying that I could trust him and that I shouldn't feel uncomfortable. As he wasn't letting it go, I basically gave in and said fine, despite the fact that I was obviously not happy about it. During foreplay, I was crying but he didn't notice. He only realized that he had done something wrong after we had sex and he apologized but I keep playing it back in my head. We had sex a few times after the incident, nothing great but he went to the US for a month (he has come back now) and I just can't imagine being intimate with him again. I don't know if what happened was really that wrong, if I'm overreacting or if I should be angry because right now, I feel guilty about even bringing it up with him because he feels bad about it too.He honestly is the sweetest guy, he treats me like a princess and it's only happened once but that night just put me right off him and I don't know how I should be reacting because it's been a few months now so I don't even know if I can still legitimately be upset. So am I overreacting? or am I right to still feel upset about it? Has anybody else had a similar experience? I would appreciate any help with answering my questions, thank you so much.

Hi Hollywood,

I'm sorry to hear that this happened and that you're still dealing with rough feelings from it. If it helps to hear, it makes complete sense that this is making you upset and causing you to not want to be sexual with him again. He ignored your "no" and basically kept at you until you gave in to his request in order to get him to drop it, which is super coercive and not okay. Too, he ignored signals you were giving that you were unhappy during the act (and if he really, truly didn't notice something was wrong until afterwards, he is a very inattentive partner in a way that indicates he's not ready to be sexual with anyone). In other words, he showed you multiple ways in which he was willing to put his pleasure and wants above your comfort and consent. It makes total sense that after experiencing that, your desire to be intimate with him would go away, because your brain keeps going back to the examples of him not being a good partner (which is ultimately your brain trying to keep you safe by not engaging with someone who proved untrustworthy).

Given all that, how are you feeling about him and your relationship? Does this change or clarify anything for you?