I want to become more comfortable with being sexual but not sure how

[wakawaka]

Hi, I'm a 25 year old man who grew up in a very conservative very NOT sex positive atmosphere and have a situation I could use some advice on.

The most Ive ever done is kiss a woman. and that was several years ago. Ive had pretty extensive health issues and haven't had the chance to meet many people despite being a fairly confident and attractive guy. Over the years Ive looked at porn but in many ways it just made me feel lonely. My taste were always for the more romantic "woman friendly" stuff despite being a guy. Ive tried to be sexual with women Ive met online (since for quite a while Ive been unable to meet in person because of my health issues). Over the past few years Ive had several "encounters" online. I won't go into them but most involved voice chatting while one or both of us touched ourselves. Afterwords I usually felt really embarrassed. So much so I would lose contact with the woman because the only time I wanted to talk was when my hornieness was enough to overpower embarrassment.This lead to me being very standoffish unless I wanted something sexual. I know thats wrong but even knowing my tendencies its hard to break it (though I'm trying).


So at some point I started specifically seeking women out online to help me become more comfortable with being sexual. Mostly I'm looking for women who are comfortable talking with me about sexual stuff in voice chat and with talking to me while I'm sexual (or who will be sexual with me in voice). I don't ask for pictures beyond something to know what they look like so we can make sure we have some attraction to each other.

Now Ive run into a lot of problems finding this that I don't know how to tackle and thats really where I could use some advice.

1) I'm a guy online tenably looking for something sexual, I generally outline similar to what I did in this message so people know whats up but a lot of people will assume I'm lying or being manipulative in order to get something from women online.

2) Sites set up specifically for finding sexual stuff (be it in person or online) are in my limited experience almost all people who are experinced, or have specific kinks that I'm just not comfortable with.

3) They can't respect me and my boundaries. I'm VERY uncomfortable seeking this stuff out even online, I value my anonymity and understand those who value theirs. Ive had a few women that seemed promising but I had to cut simply because they wanted to do to much to fast, send to many pictures, and expected me to just ignore all my boundries. Which isn't ok. I respect boundries and they should to.

4) Ive tried a few discord servers and various communities which are sexual in nature, but I find it hard to break into those communities when I'm not comfortable with group stuff (which is super rare anyways

5) Sometimes I find someone but I'm just not attracted to them. I don't have a super high standards when it comes to looks, but there have been a few times where I would get off than think "why did I do that with her, I don't even like the way she looks in fact I'm kinda grossed out by it". Thats brutal and obviously I would never phrase it to them that way, but generally I feel bad about the whole situation.

6)The woman I talk with, she probably isn't going to get much from the situation. I mean. the most im comfortable with is voice chat.I'm not really knowlegable enough to roleplay, and my speed is much diferent than others. Sometimes I want to go quickly but most of the time I'm very nervous and kinda need to be eased into being sexual. I guess I need verbal foreplay lol. Idk.

So to sum it up. I do not know how to find someone online and thats becoming a problem. In person isn't an option right now. Do you have any advice?

[Mo]

Hi there wakawaka, and welcome to Scarleteen.

First off, I'm wondering if these feelings about sex and sexuality are something you've ever discussed (or, if not, would consider discussing) with a therapist. It's not uncommon for people from families or cultures that take a negative view of sexuality or shame young people for sexual feelings to struggle with feelings of discomfort or shame around their sexuality as they get older, and that's something a good therapist can absolutely help with. If that's something you're interested in and mental health services are at all accessible to you, I think that could be a good step to take.

I don't have specific advice on how to find the partners you're looking for; it sounds like you're being pretty thorough in investigating online spaces where you might find compatible people, and being open with them about what you're looking for, and those are really going to be the foundation of any search for a partner. Looking for sexual or romantic partners can take time and be frustrating, sadly, and there's not going to be a guaranteed shortcut to finding someone. It may be worth it to circle back and investigate the sites you mention in your second point above; you don't have to get into any kinks you don't want to, but I don't think it's necessarily an issue to be paired with someone more experienced than you are, and communities that are explicitly sexual will often have ways to make it clear what you are and aren't looking for, or search for people based on shared preferences. It may be that there are people there who aren't a great fit for you right now, but that's going to be the case for any site or community, so if you haven't really explored those spaces it is probably worth a try.

Based on what you've said here, it sounds like you're primarily looking for short-term or one-time sexual interactions with women, but it also sounds like the things you enjoy about porn are moments of connection and that porn often makes you feel lonely. Ideally, do you feel like you'd rather have a deeper or more emotional connection with someone you do voice chat with? Would it make sense to work towards finding people you connect with first, and moving to sexual chat after that connection's been established?

[wakawaka]

ideally i would find someone to have a casual yet ongoing sexual relationship with online.

[Mo]

So, you may find it helpful to start off looking for people you have a basic connection first, to make sure you're both feeling like you'd like to have an ongoing relationship, and introduce a sexual component if and when you both decide that's something you want. As I said above, there's really no guaranteed shortcut to finding the sort of relationship you're interested in, so I think continuing to look at various social spaces online and trying to meet people in those spaces is going to be your best bet.