trans, bigender, who knows

[videocassette]

I'm going to testosterone soon and it's bringing up feelings I've been trying to suppress. I'm happy identifying as a lesbian and I want to be with women as a woman, despite wanting traditional masculine feautures (facial hair, flat chest, etc). But I also want to be with men but as a man only. I want to love women as a woman and love men as a man. Would that make me bigender even though I don't feel a clear divide (like 50% female 50% male)?

[Sam W]

Hi Videocassette,

From how you're describing your feelings about your gender, I'd say they match the general definition of bigender. Plenty of folks who identify as bigender don't experience a 50/50 split in terms of how they feel (similar to how people who are bisexual don't often experience equal attraction to all genders). Too, even if what you're describing matches many people's understanding of the term, it's ultimately up to you to decide if that label feels like it's a fit for you.

You mention that starting testosterone is bringing up some feelings you've been trying to suppress. Can you tell me a little more about those? Are they attached to questioning how you identify gender-wise, or something else?

[videocassette]

Thanks for replying, Sam.

I guess it's bringing up feelings that I could be a trans man. There's been signs for years that I'm not entirely comfortable with my gender & gender expression. I've identified as bigender and as a demiboy before, I bought a binder that I don't have anymore, I've fantasized about looking like male celebrities, fantasized about being a male celebrity who was dating a man, and back when I was on social media I went by a traditional boy name. But I suppress these things because I don't want to be grouped with men. That sounds bad and ridiculous but I'm happy being a woman but I guess part of me wants to be a man too.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

None of what you're feeling about your identity is ridiculous (and even if it was, you get to feel how you feel). With the feelings about being a guy (or being read as a man by other people), what would you say makes you not want to be grouped with men? Does it feel like it has to do with not matching your own sense of your gender, or with broader social things?

How are you feeling about starting testosterone, and about some of the side effects (and it's okay if you feel multiple ways or notice how you feel keeps shifting)?

[videocassette]

I think it's broader social issues. I don't want to be grouped with men because I don't really want the privileges they have. I know as a trans man, I won't exactly get all the same privileges as cis men but that's my biggest issue. Also even though no one in my family knows I'm going to start T yet except for my mom, I feel like they would less disappointed by "I want to take testosterone but I'm still a woman" than "I'm a man and I want to take testosterone". I would try to explain the term bigender but I know they won't entirely get it.

I actually look forward to most of the side effects of testosterone. Except for hair loss and more acne but I've accepted them as part of the process.

[Sam W]

Got it. I wanted to check to make sure the idea of the side effects from T wasn't filling you with worry. If it helps, the feelings about masculinity and privilege are things that many people who go from being read as women to being read as men (whether they're read that way all or part of the time) grapple with. And it speaks to a lot of awareness on your part that you're thinking about how you'd feel having privileges that you know are tied to how other people are responding to your gender. Have you had a chance to read accounts from trans masculine folks about how they dealt with those feelings? If not, is that something you think would be helpful or interesting to you?

Is figuring out ways to explain your identity to the rest of your family something you'd like help with right now, or does it feel like something you'd like to not deal with on top of everything else at the moment?

[videocassette]

I looked up some videos of trans men talking this on youtube after reading your reply. It was helpful to hear how they feel and deal with it. I'll be watching more videos and looking up more info on it. I don't feel as anxious about this anymore after talking to you and watching the videos. I'm not if the anxiety is 100% gone but I don't want this to hold me back from being who I want to be.

I don't plan on telling family right now. I want to keep this to myself just for awhile longer but thank you.

[Sam W]

I'm so, so glad that watching those videos and talking here has been helping you! Too, it's totally understandable to still feel a little anxious, even if you're feeling way less so than before. Starting T can feel like a really big step to some people, and even when it's a really wanted step that feeling of, "this is a big thing" can lead to some anxiety.

And you absolutely get to keep this process to yourself for as long as you need or want to. If you ever need tools for talking about it in the future, we can help you out.

How are you feeling about this conversation right now? Is there something else we can help you with or that you'd like space to talk about?

[videocassette]

I'm good right now, I feel like I finally got this issue off my chest. I'm glad I had someone to talk to about this.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're feeling good abut it, and that talking about it here was helpful to you