Scarleteen

Hi I’ve posted here before and found the advice was helpful so here it goes.
My ex boyfriend who sexually assaulted me for the best part of 2 years and and we’ll basically raped me and emotionally abused me has a new girlfriend. I’ve only recently til some friends about what he did but I’m wondering if I should warn her I get that people change and he may not hurt her or treat her the way he treated me but I know I couldn’t deal with it if he did and I could have provented it.
I know I sound like a jealous ex but i honestly don’t care about the boy I just don’t want anyone else to go through what he put me through.

Thank you

Hi Amy,

It's a really kind impulse to want to prevent someone else from being hurt the way you were. But, as you've already realized, she may interpret you trying to warn her as the actions of a jealous ex, which could leave you feeling pretty cruddy (too, depending on how he behaves, a risk of contacting her may be unintentionally make you a target of your ex). If it's really important to your mental wellbeing to at least try and warn her, I think your best bet is to contact her once with a very brief, direct explanation of why you're getting in touch. It's quite possible she'll ignore it, or respond with anger or disbelief, so if you plan to get in touch you'll also want to plan ways to care for yourself in the even of those reactions. Does that make sense?

When you're considering your decision, it might also be helpful to consider things from this angle: if you never try to warn and he ends up treating her the same way he treated you, that's still 100% his fault. While people may offer advice or warnings to each other to try to avoid being the target of an abusive person, the abusive person is still the one making the choice to hurt someone else. As much as you can, try not to give in to the idea that you're the only person who can prevent this new girlfriend from being hurt; your ex has the power to make a different to choice, and if he doesn't that's on him, not on you.