Boundaries ? Mistake ?

[Lajolla]

The other day My Bf and I were laying in bed (fully clothed) and we were joking and chilling like we always do. Then we started joking about sex and we started to dry hump each other with my leg over him. He then grabbed my butt over the pants and started to jiggle and shake it. Then I told him like how it made me uncomfortable and that ask for permission next time. He said okay. We ended up talking more and more. Then he wanted me to cuddle while I’m on top of him, but my stomach was queasy so my leg was over him like last time. And then a couple minutes later, he touched my butt over pants and jiggled it again with thrusts. I looked at him and said seriously?! He immediately stopped and I pulled away. He apologized a million of times. He said he totally forgot and got carried away and how we were joking before earlier. He said if he remembered, he would not have done it in the first place because he knows how important intimacy is for me. He is a sweet and caring guy but also extremely forgetful ditzy and careless. Is this sexual assault or did he cross my boundaries or made a mistake?

[Lajolla]

The other day My Bf and I were laying in bed (fully clothed) and we were joking and chilling like we always do. Then we started joking about sex and we started to dry hump each other with my leg over him. He then grabbed my butt over the pants and started to jiggle and shake it. Then I told him like how it made me uncomfortable and that ask for permission next time. He said okay. We ended up talking more and more. Then he wanted me to cuddle while I’m on top of him, but my stomach was queasy so my leg was over him like last time. And then a couple minutes later, he touched my butt over pants and jiggled it again with thrusts. I looked at him and said seriously?! He immediately stopped and I pulled away. He apologized a million of times. He said he totally forgot and got carried away and how we were joking before earlier. He said if he remembered, he would not have done it in the first place because he knows how important intimacy is for me.i kept asking him why would you do that when I said I specifically said that it made me uncomfortable and to ask. He kept saying how he forgot and admitted that he did want to do it, but wouldn’t have done in the first place if he remembered me expressing how I felt. And how he did it without thinking because of how we were joking around before. He told me that his goal is make sure I’m comfortable and that he failed. He apologized and cried. He is honestly a really sweet and caring guy but also extremely forgetful dumb ditzy and careless. Is this sexual assault or did he cross my boundaries or made a mistake?

[Jacob]

Hi Lajolla!

I would say that because the this is something you asked him not to do but which he then did do, then it could be all of what you mentioned.

It could be categorised as an assault AND a mistake AND a boundary crossing...

What really matters is how you feel about it.

For example do you feel unsafe? Is this a dealbreaker for you? If not, and you are sure you want to continue, what are the things you need for it to feel like a good thing?

[Lajolla]

Thank you for replying. I’m new to this. No I don’t feel unsafe with him. But it is my fear of mine with any guy. Since I was a child, I have always felt unsafe. So every time, someone makes a mistake I feel like I should run. I don’t want to be that person who stays with someone who treats them bad and not realize it for a long time. I think that saying someone sexual assault is such a strong statement and that I don’t really think it is in my case. I believe it is a boundary crossing and a mistake because there was not any harmful intentions. Knowing him, he listens to me 90 percent of the time when intimate or not. The other 10 is him daydreaming. I think It is difficult for me to be with someone who has so much experience and me not having any. There was a lot of miscommunication and frustration in the beginning. We are both very different sexually. He is hyper sexual and I am asexual. It was rocky in the beginning, but now we are on the same chapter.

[Lajolla]

Also, I wanted to clarify something. What do you mean “it could be categorized as assault and cross boundaries and a mistake”? Like does it mean it is ALL of them ? Or it is ONE of them? Or Does it depend on me and how I feel about it?

[Mo]

It really depends on you and how you're feeling. If there's a framework for this incident that sounds good to you, then it's fine to use that langugage for the situation. You did explicity set a boundary with him that he acknowledged and then ignored, so I feel really comfortable saying this was him crossing a boundary you'd set.

I do want to say, though - something doesn't have to feel like sexual assault for it to upset you or be a big deal that needs to be addressed.
This is worth seriously discussing with your boyfriend again; whether he meant it or not, it wasn't ok for him to ignore a boundary you'd set. You mention him being careless, daydreaming, etc but even when people are a little absent-minded, sex is a time when it's important to be focused to some extent, especially when partners have been clear that they have specific boundaries or limits, or that their desires aren't super aligned and there's more communication needed to make sure everyone's on the same page. If he really struggles to remember what you've told him about your boundaries, then he might not be in a great place to be sexually active right now - it really is that important for him to be able to do that.

[Jess@888]

My name is [redacted - HC], and my ex broke up with me seven months ago because of future problems and I was not sexually passionate with him. He would test me by seeing if I would groom my pubic hair to his standards and we would kiss. Kissing was consentual, except when he bite my neck. I felt like I was on drugs bc of the way he would stimulate me. Before he asked me out, he wanted me to show my pubes at Target bc he would not tolerate if I did not do what he said. He got mad at me since I told him no. After we kissed, he put my hands on his dick (with clothes ) I was silent and froze. As we continued dating, he would sexually coerced me as I told him no to oral sex and sex. He would use pressure and manipulation to persuade me I got tired that my nos were not being respected. The second time I went to his house I realized why I was uncomfortable. He penetrated my vagina without my consent and he was hurting me so I told him I had to use the bathroom, and he stretched my hymen a little. He did not care I had cramps bc of it! He would put my hands on his dick to stimulate or feel his boner without my consent. When I had oral sex, I was silent as it was not something I did not want to do. The first time I went to his house before he took off my pants I told him no. He not mad at me and used excuses. I went along with it so he would not hurt me. I regret dating him because I did not like him and he was an angry person as I did not want to go back to anger after overcoming it. My ex still blames me for everything that happened and said it was all me. However, he shuts up when I ask him how come you did not respect my boundaries when you violated them. He would touch my clitoris a couple of times with my pants on ax he he did this in front of his friends and when we kissed in front of his friends. How come I froze when he sexually assaulted me? Why does he not respect boundaries? How come I blame myself for this?
When I was 16 (two years ago), my biological dad sexually abused me (without contact).
How can I make my boundaries more firm and clear with guys that do not respect them?

Thank you

[Heather]

Hey, Jess. Two things!

1) I edited out your posting of your full legal name. For everyone's safety and privacy, we don't allow users to post personally identifying information on the boards, as noted in the registration agreement.

2) I'd be happy to talk to you about this -- including about how these violations aren't your fault or about you doing anything wrong or poorly, and how they're also not things you can yourself fix or prevent save not being with abusive people -- but you have tacked this on to someone else's existing post. Can you make a new topic that's just for you? Thank you. <3