Hi,
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. We're going through a rough patch and I think it all started one night when he did something that I wasn't comfortable with. He came over to my apartment one day and it started getting hot under the covers. He then suggests we do the 69 even though he knows I feel very uncomfortable with that position. We' had done it a couple of times before this particular night but when I said I didn't want to, he proceeded to ask for about twenty minutes. He kept saying that I could trust him and that I shouldn't feel uncomfortable. As he wasn't letting it go, I basically gave in and said fine, despite the fact that I was obviously not happy about it. During foreplay, I was crying but he didn't notice. He only realized that he had done something wrong after we had sex and he apologized but I keep playing it back in my head. We had sex a few times after the incident, nothing great but he went to the US for a month (he has come back now) and I just can't imagine being intimate with him again. I don't know if what happened was really that wrong, if I'm overreacting or if I should be angry because right now, I feel guilty about even bringing it up with him because he feels bad about it too.He honestly is the sweetest guy, he treats me like a princess and it's only happened once but that night just put me right off him and I don't know how I should be reacting because it's been a few months now so I don't even know if I can still legitimately be upset. So am I overreacting? or am I right to still feel upset about it? Has anybody else had a similar experience? I would appreciate any help with answering my questions, thank you so much.
Did he cross the line or am I overreacting?
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This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Hollywoodx97
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Sam W
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Re: Did he cross the line or am I overreacting?
Hi Hollywood,
I'm sorry to hear that this happened and that you're still dealing with rough feelings from it. If it helps to hear, it makes complete sense that this is making you upset and causing you to not want to be sexual with him again. He ignored your "no" and basically kept at you until you gave in to his request in order to get him to drop it, which is super coercive and not okay. Too, he ignored signals you were giving that you were unhappy during the act (and if he really, truly didn't notice something was wrong until afterwards, he is a very inattentive partner in a way that indicates he's not ready to be sexual with anyone). In other words, he showed you multiple ways in which he was willing to put his pleasure and wants above your comfort and consent. It makes total sense that after experiencing that, your desire to be intimate with him would go away, because your brain keeps going back to the examples of him not being a good partner (which is ultimately your brain trying to keep you safe by not engaging with someone who proved untrustworthy).
Given all that, how are you feeling about him and your relationship? Does this change or clarify anything for you?
I'm sorry to hear that this happened and that you're still dealing with rough feelings from it. If it helps to hear, it makes complete sense that this is making you upset and causing you to not want to be sexual with him again. He ignored your "no" and basically kept at you until you gave in to his request in order to get him to drop it, which is super coercive and not okay. Too, he ignored signals you were giving that you were unhappy during the act (and if he really, truly didn't notice something was wrong until afterwards, he is a very inattentive partner in a way that indicates he's not ready to be sexual with anyone). In other words, he showed you multiple ways in which he was willing to put his pleasure and wants above your comfort and consent. It makes total sense that after experiencing that, your desire to be intimate with him would go away, because your brain keeps going back to the examples of him not being a good partner (which is ultimately your brain trying to keep you safe by not engaging with someone who proved untrustworthy).
Given all that, how are you feeling about him and your relationship? Does this change or clarify anything for you?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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