Scarleteen

Hi,there! I'm a teen girl so here's my story or whatever it is.
You've probably heard of kpop and what it has to do with my problem is that a friend of mine, who got me into kpop and bts etc, once showed me a instagram post with lots and lots of long comments full of...text called smut - yes, smut. In short smut is text pornography and in my case kpop idols smut. As a teen I really loved the stories - some weren't that interesting and some were really kinky and really caused smut. From an innocent unknowing anything specific about sex more that the basics I found out what was bj and more stuff. I really loved reading these stories and sometimes I even spent hours on them. Sometimes I would even mastrubate if I can call it this way - i mean it's not like the Real mastrubting Idon't wan to get in details.
So. For a few months after the school year started I got really depressed and got anxiety attacs every single night for about two months and couldn't sleep alone so I slept in one bed with mom were I felt safe. One night the things got worse than I thought they can and the anxiety brusted out - mom asked me to tell her about all the things that I fear of and I told her everything...except one thing - the smuts - they actually caused me a lot of stress cuz they were basically my biggest secret from mom and keeping a secret isn't one of the things I'd get a golden medal for. Anyways. The next day the thought of telling her wouldn't leave my head and I ...told her- everything about smuts. She didn't react bad at all. she even said that she would never EVER judge me for being interested in sex and etc and we talked about if for a long time. Everything seemed to be okay.
And finally I can get to the core of my problem.
Since the day I tell her every.single.time when I have a sexual thought, fantasy, look at a boy just because there are boys everywhere you know, listen to boy bands, just when I see a male creature "You wanna have sex with him' - this is what my brain told me and I didn't really think it - it came out of nothing and as time pasted that 'you' turned into 'I' form. What's so bad about it? Well, not so well actually, when these thoughts come into my mind I start feeling a big punch or a black hole in my chest and it hurts,and what's the worst is that ...I have to tell mom otherwise I'll be keeping a secret from her and that causes me anxiety.
You may not get it at first but what I feel every single day is that I'm guilty about what I feel and that I keep secrets from mom. when I tell her that I've had 'a sexual thought', I have to tell her or I won't be able to look at her or even eat or sleep and functionate properly, she always tells me that it's normal and that she would never judge me . Her words comfort me for a little while but things repeat every day all day.
I don't wanna feel like I'm a sinful person who should be killed or teased for being a sexual being but I can't help it. Guilt and having no personal space and peace have become a daily part of my life AND I WANT IT TO STOP!!
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My family - me and mom, dad is gone, are neither too religious nor not religious at all- something in between - we have lots of icons at home and mom works in the sphere of ortodox literature or something like that. But I don't think religion is involved.
If anyone has had a experience with some kind of sexual guilt or shame and has found a way feel okay let me know how can I help myself and feel free to be a sexual being as every human is.
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I've read an article in this site about sexual shame but I think that my case Is really complicated and just needed to write a single post about it.
I really hope that someone can give me advice - I feel like I live in hell.

I hear you describing what sounds very much to me like ways of experiencing an anxiety disorder.

Have you ever seen a mental healthcare professional for an evaluation or care?