Scarleteen

My boyfriend and I have been spending a lot of time making out and giving each other hand jobs, which is great. The only issue is that I'm not orgasming, which he is handling well. Yet as a result he's trying really hard to get me there, which I appreciate because in the past, he hasn't always been as focused on my pleasure or understood what that means. He's also doing it with a lot of consideration and listening on his part so you'd think everything would be fine.
The issue that I find myself not even feeling aroused, which is weird considering I find my boyfriend physically attractive, am in love w/ him, am able to feel aroused alone about him, and have been aroused by him in the past.


What could be causing the issues with arousal? And what can I do to work on it? For reference, we both just graduated from high school and will be attending different colleges. I feel a bit sleep deprived/stressed but I'm eager to spend time with him when I do have time and while I don't feel pressured to have an orgasm, I'd really just like to be aroused when I'm with him sexually.

Hey backpackergirl,

Sleep deprivation and stress can make getting aroused difficult for a lot of people, and it sounds like with graduating high school and starting college, you have a lot on your plate. Something else that might be adding to your stress is any urgency or pressure you might be feeling about performing sexually, especially since helping you reach orgasm is important to your boyfriend and you might feel that the time you have to spend together with him is limited. It might sound counterintuitive, but focusing on trying really hard to be aroused can actually make it hard to relax enough to become aroused and have an orgasm.

It's great that your boyfriend listens wants to give you pleasure. However, pleasure and getting to the point of having an orgasm aren't always the same thing. Sometimes, slowing down to focus your attention on the sensations instead of simply trying to have an orgasm can be help with becoming aroused. You could take time to notice how your body responds when he touches you (such as in your breathing and heartbeat) and enjoy touches on other places of your body (such as your back, thighs, feet, chest-- whatever you both want and consent to) instead of just your genitals. You can enjoy pleasure for pleasure's sake and not worry to much about reaching orgasm yet, and you might find that it makes arousal and eventually having an orgasm come more naturally. Being aware of your senses and enjoying pleasure alone or with a partner might also help you cope with your school stress.

Do you already have any ways to cope with stress that you find helpful, such as exercise or anything you find relaxing?

Hi Amity,

Thanks for the information and advice -- very useful and greatly appreciated!

(In the meantime, taking some time to take care of the stress and sleep, but it helps to realize that it might impact arousal...)

Backpackergirl— I hope it’s helpful! It’s awesome that you’re taking ownership of your pleasure by asking for advice and support. Good luck, and congrats on finishing high school and starting college soon. This can be such a hectic, scary, and exciting time.