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Inadequate in sex
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- newbie
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Sun Sep 09, 2018 10:02 pm
- Age: 53
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: She
- Sexual identity: Lesbian
- Location: US
Inadequate in sex
I am having trouble in getting my girlfriend to reach orgasm. I can't ever find the clitoris and if I do the pressure she likes requires all my strength, my leg and very uncomfortable positions. My hand is in an awkward position and tends to cramp. She gets frustrated and I get self conscious about my shortcomings. She won't use a vibratory and won't allow oral sex because I am apparently not good at that either. Is there anything I can do to help me do better or does she need to find someone that will satisfy her.
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- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10320
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: Inadequate in sex
Hi Lil,
I'm sorry this situation is leaving you feeling self-conscious. There's a few different things you and she can try to sort this situation out.
For starters, have you two experimented with different positions when rubbing her clitoris? I'm willing to bet there's some room for compromise between "no orgasm for her" and "massive hand cramps for you." Too, if you're feeling like you have trouble locating her clitoris, this article may help you out: Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More
The larger concern I see in what you're describing is that it sounds like she's not being a very patient or respectful partner. You're asking if there are ways to make sex feel better for her, but the only person who can tell you how to do that is her. And right now, it sounds like she's not actually willing to do that. For example, if you and she are both interested in oral sex where she receives but you're not quite doing what works for her, the solution is for her to give you feedback and for the two of your to communicate and experiment. Telling you it's off the table because you're not good at it assumes that people are either inherently good at a sexual thing or bad at that thing. But really, most of us will have a learning curve when we're being sexual with a partner, because it takes time to learn what each person likes. So it sounds like you two may need to have a conversation where you take a look at how you're communicating during sex and if either of you has expectations of the other that may not be realistic. Does that sound like a conversation you could have?
I also want to check, because it sounds like a lot of the focus is on her enjoying yourself: do you feel like you're each devoting equal energy to making the other feel good? Or is the focus mainly on her orgasm?
I'm sorry this situation is leaving you feeling self-conscious. There's a few different things you and she can try to sort this situation out.
For starters, have you two experimented with different positions when rubbing her clitoris? I'm willing to bet there's some room for compromise between "no orgasm for her" and "massive hand cramps for you." Too, if you're feeling like you have trouble locating her clitoris, this article may help you out: Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More
The larger concern I see in what you're describing is that it sounds like she's not being a very patient or respectful partner. You're asking if there are ways to make sex feel better for her, but the only person who can tell you how to do that is her. And right now, it sounds like she's not actually willing to do that. For example, if you and she are both interested in oral sex where she receives but you're not quite doing what works for her, the solution is for her to give you feedback and for the two of your to communicate and experiment. Telling you it's off the table because you're not good at it assumes that people are either inherently good at a sexual thing or bad at that thing. But really, most of us will have a learning curve when we're being sexual with a partner, because it takes time to learn what each person likes. So it sounds like you two may need to have a conversation where you take a look at how you're communicating during sex and if either of you has expectations of the other that may not be realistic. Does that sound like a conversation you could have?
I also want to check, because it sounds like a lot of the focus is on her enjoying yourself: do you feel like you're each devoting equal energy to making the other feel good? Or is the focus mainly on her orgasm?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.