Sexual activity after being abused?

[PurpleBerry]

I don't know who will answer this, but I need help. I've scoured the internet and found nothing of help to me, so it would like to ask these questions myself.

The last relationship I was in was a mentally, emotionally, and especially sexually abusive relationship. Thankfully I was able to get out, but not without some lasting damage. That was a while ago, and I'm in another relationship now that makes me extremely happy. I've been dating this guy for six months, and things have been getting more and more physical. But my problem is that I'm too scared of what happened in my last relationship to let anything happen in this one.

Every time we engage in foreplay, something will happen where a trigger is set off and I stop everything and cower in a little ball and start crying. I'm not talking about this happening sometimes or most of the time, it's every time. And if I have the ability that night to push the fears aside and not cry and just enjoy what's happening, I get night terrors about the abusive relationship when I go to sleep and wake up screaming and crying. I don't want this to happen anymore, and now it's gotten to the point that I'm so afraid of the night terrors that I'll do anything in my power to avoid anything physical, even just a kiss.

(This may or may not be useful, but my first everything was with my abuser. I haven't made it past third base (fingering) with my current boyfriend because of the fear, and I've never done anything to him beyond kissing. It's easier for me to kind of "shut my brain off" and just let him do what he wants with me.)

My boyfriend knows about my abusive relationship, and he constantly stresses that he doesn't want to do anything I'm not ready for. I love him for that, but I'm so frustrated because I do want to have a sexual relationship with him, but I'm also so afraid of what happened in my past relationship that I also don't want anything sexual to happen. In fact, most times it's me instigating the sexual stuff, but then I have to stop it all because I'll have a trigger go off or I'll panic or something. I hate doing this to my boyfriend, and it only makes me more frustrated when he says that we don't have to do anything sexual for a while, because I actually want to. I'm in complete cognitive dissonance when it comes to sex, and it angers me.

For my sake, and for my boyfriend's, I just want to be over and done with the abusive relationship and I want to have a normal, loving one with my boyfriend. So I guess my question is how do I move past the abuse in my past and just have the relationship I want with my boyfriend?

[Redskies]

Hi, PurpleBerry, and welcome to the boards.

You absolutely will be able to move past the abuse. As much as I wish there were one, though, there tends not to be an immediate solution; instead, there's a process of processing what happened and healing from it. Have you already come across information about different reactions people can experience after abuse - which do include the kinds of things you're describing - and about healing from abuse? We have some information on the site about that, which we can give you if you'd like, and we'd also be happy to talk about it with you. Too, have you had any kind of professional support or counselling around the abuse, and is that something you'd be interested in?

I very much understand feeling so frustrated about this, and just wanting everything to do with the abuse to be Over. If it helps to understand it a little, if someone abuses us, they're injuring us. When the abuse ends, it's very common to still need to heal from that injury - the injury doesn't go away as soon as the cause of it stops. How long ago did you get away from the abuse, and how long was that relationship? And I'm so very glad you did get away.

In the here and now, it sounds pretty clear that any kind of sexual contact with your boyfriend is triggering you. Obviously, that's being distressing and hurtful to you, and I think it's also not helping you heal in the big picture of this. I'd suggest that your feelings of being afraid and the "shutting your brain off" part are giving you strong messages that, as much as you wish it were different, you're just not in a space at the moment where being sexual with someone else is something that's positive or healthy for you. So, I'd suggest taking everything sexual - everything that makes you feel afraid, panic-y or not-properly-there - off the table for the moment, until you feel differently. How do you feel about that? I'd add, too, that there isn't one version of "normal" or "loving": each relationship should be based on what the people in it want and need.

[PurpleBerry]

Thank you so much for answering my questions Redskies.

It's actually been a year since last week that I got away from the abuse, and the abuse lasted for about 7 months. I'll be honest, looking back it doesn't seem like it lasted for that long of a period of time, but I don't know.

I can't afford professional counseling right now, and I especially don't want to admit that I'm not okay to those close to me (I'm young enough that I still have to live with my parents, and they'd know if I sought counseling). But if it's all the same to you guys, I wouldn't mind talking to someone.

And about taking all things sexual off the table right now, I'll start doing that. I know my boyfriend will be understanding of it, and I really hope it can help.

Thank you again, I really needed help.

[Emma]

Hi, PurpleBerry--if you are interested in professional counseling you can look into talking to a school counselor or find free therapy sessions (usually group sessions or workshops) near you. Your parents don't *need* to know if you utilize these resources. It's be great if you could tell someone you trusted about all of this, though. We are happy to help, but a real-life confidant or counselor is probably best for this situation.

[Redskies]

PurpleBerry, you're so welcome.

Like Emma said, we're very happy to talk with you further. It's part of what we're here for It's true that in-person support is often the most helpful, but we do know very well that sometimes there are barriers in the way or it's just too big a step to start with. Is there anything in particular that you'd like to talk about? It's ok too if you're not sure, we can also put a couple of things out there for you - just want to make sure that you know you get to lead this however is most helpful to you.

Sometimes our sense of time can get fuzzy or distorted when we're experiencing abuse, so if you think it was about 7 months, it probably was.

The people close to you, do you feel like they're usually supportive of you?

[PurpleBerry]

The people close to me are supportive, but the few that I've told about the abuse have said they don't know how to help except to listen. Sometimes that's good, but I would like some help processing what happened and how to make it better. I also don't know how my parents would take it, part of me feels that telling them the whole truth would hurt them more than it hurts me. And I guess I just don't know how to tell them, and I don't want to.

Beyond that, I don't know where to start.

[Redskies]

That's alright.

We've had some similar questions asked in our advice column, so perhaps you'd like to take a look at those columns and see what things particularly speak to you?

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... mate_again
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse ... get_it_out
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... nd_assault

Too, if you think it would help you to talk with us about the abuse, you can do that. It's good that you have people who listen to you - so good! - but we know sometimes it really helps to talk with people who have more familiarity with the issues.

[PurpleBerry]

Thank you so much for those articles. That first article explained perfectly what I'm going through, and I'm going to start only doing things that don't make me dissociate. I talked to my boyfriend about this, and he's been very supportive and willing to help, so just that made me feel a lot better. Thank you guys.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome Purpleberry , and I'm so glad that found the articles addressed what you were feeling. If there's anything else we're able to help you out with, feel free to let us know.