Sex during sleep?

[tarwin]

Hi
I was recently informed by my best mate that he sucked me off while I was asleep. This obviously shocked me for a number of reasons. I knew he was gay however I thought he knew that I wasn't and would never be interested in that. I was also surprised because I didn't think I would be able to sleep through it.
I am pretty confident he is telling me the truth because he was absolutely devastated when he realised I was completely unaware so he had to tell me what happened. He obviously also thought that I wouldn't sleep through it and therefore must have been awake and ok with it. Although I was initially really angry I realised it wasn't entirely his fault and I've explained that will never work and he has promised it'll never happen again which I accept.
The problem is I'm now worried about what could happen while I'm asleep. Although I trust my mate completely not to do anything I'm scared it or more might happen again under different circumstances. Is it possible to also sleep through sex? In which case could a girl have sex with me whilst I am asleep? I am about to start University and I am terrified I could get someone pregnant without knowing during freshers.
If it is possible is there any way I could be sure of stopping that happening?

[Heather]

I am very sorry your best friend sexually assaulted you. If you want to talk about reporting options, let us know.

By all means, choosing to be sexual with someone without seeking their consent IS the person's fault and doing who did that. This person chose to do this, and chose to do so without your consent. He is absolutely entirely responsible for his actions.

Ultimately, what we can do to protect ourselves from anyone who would choose to assault or otherwise abuse us is to do what we can to steer clear of those people when we know who they are, and do what we can to choose not to be in vulnerable positions - like sleeping - with anyone we do not strongly trust. Unfortunately, as you discovered, sometimes our trust in someone is misplaced or betrayed.

However, please know that most people, of any gender or orientation, will never sexually abuse or assault anyone else. So, while it is understandable that you are scared right now, given this just happened to you, know that this person is not a good representation of others, and this is not likely something you need to be afraid of having happen again if you keep yourself away from this person who showed you clearly, sadly, they are not safe.

[tarwin]

No definitely not. Like he was completely devastated by what happened and I trust him completely that it won't happen again.

I am far more worried about what might happen if something similar happened in future with a girl who ended up getting pregnant. As you say obviously most people wouldn't do something like that but I would more want to know if it is possible for a girl to have sex with me while I'm asleep and obviously my responsibilities towards that.

[Sam W]

Hi Tarwin,

So, it would technically be possible for someone else to have sex with you while you slept. However, if your worried about any legal responsibilities towards a child conceived by someone sexually assaulting you, that's a stickier question that none of us here are really qualified to answer.

As Heather mentioned, the way to head-off that scenario would be to avoid vulnerable situations (like sleeping) around people who you don't know or trust. But, as you unfortunately learned, that doesn't guarantee they won't still be sexual without your consent. I wish there was a more solid strategy we could give you, but ultimately the thing that keeps sexual assault from happening is people choosing to not assault, not the person who's worried about it performing a certain set of behaviors.

Beyond that, is there anything within the services we offer that you think would be helpful for you right now?

[tarwin]

To be honest my main worry is legal responsibilities towards a child conceived by someone having sex with me while sleeping. I've tried Google searching however almost all responses seem so imply that a guy cannot be raped by a woman. Do you know where I could find out that information?

[Sam W]

Well, my hope is that the reality of the situation (then men can be raped by women) is reflected in the law somewhere. However, since I'm not a lawyer I can't say that with certainty. But, let me check in with some of the other volunteers to see if we can find the information or resources you need.

[Heather]

I think it is safe to say family law courts anywhere - and most nations recognize men are assaulted, too, in their laws - would be highly unlikely to hold someone responsible for a child conceived through rape. For those not bearing the child, mind, since sadly, there are few of those kinds of protections for those who are the pregnant people doing the childbearing.

But again, this is nothing close to a likely scenario for you (and do know that most rape, of people of every gender, is perpetrated by men, not women), and is likely stemming from your trauma and fears around it. The sad truth is yiu already know the person where fears like this ARE valid: they are not unknown to you, they are, again, the person who chose to do this to you. I know that sucks like anything to face and accept, and to really sit in, rather than focusing on unknown dangers from others, likely others where the betrayal is less great than this was, but that is your reality here.

I would suggest focusing on that, and on healing and dealing - something, mind, you are not likely to be able to do well if you are hanging out with the person who assaulted you - rather than putting your energy into ideas of being assaulted again, which is going to increase your traumatic responses right now, rather than helping you to heal.

Would you like some help finding resources, such as websites for male surivivors or local rape crisis and counseling services?

[tarwin]

Honestly I am perfectly happy with my friend and think he is more traumatised than I am. I after all cannot remember any of it whereas he can and is devastated that what he thought was consensual actually turned out not to be.

If however you know where to find resources where I can find out my rights with regards to this happening with a woman that then gets pregnant that would be useful.
I understand you don't think it is likely to happen and I accept that, however it is possible and I have no idea how to find out where I would stand.

[Redskies]

Hi, tarwin.

I agree that the information that seems to be online - or, more to the point, is Not online! - about this specific question is rubbish (I've been looking for you). First things first, just to make sure you know and that you know where we stand, the things you've come across implying that a woman cannot rape a man are absolute baloney and terribly misinformed. It's true that in some legal jurisdictions - including in England and Wales - the legal definition of rape is a penetrative assault using a penis. Someone with a vagina forcing intercourse on someone with a penis would be legally classified as sexual assault. We're not lawyers or other officers of the law, and so we - like many other organisations who support people around sexual assault - have no use for drawing that distinction around what we call "rape" or "assault". We find that someone's exact physical experiences changes very little about what they're likely to need, so using the terminology from current English law serves us and our work no purpose. We tend to use the language that an individual person is using about their own experiences; generally, we certainly refer to any kind of nonconsensual intercourse as rape.

To answer your specific question about any legal responsibilities toward a child, my best suggestion is for you to contact a UK organisation for male assault survivors - I think they are the people most likely to know the answers and to speak with you in the most balanced, educated and compassionate way about it. I think the org I'd suggest first is Survivors UK: http://www.survivorsuk.org/speak-to-us/

I can't know what your friend was or is thinking. No matter what he believed, though, he still really, really messed up, and was entirely responsible for what he did. In order to be sexual with someone, it's essential to check first that they want to be sexual in that way too; a sleeping person can't communicate that, and therefore a sleeping person can't consent and no-one should start being sexual with a sleeping person.

You know, too, that even if your friend is very sorry and didn't mean to hurt you, you still get to feel however you feel about what happened? Having our consent violated - no matter what other circumstances there are around it, including not being able to remember it - often feels very disturbing, disorientating and confusing, and we might have some difficulty feeling safe or like we have proper control over ourself and our life.