Losing my Virginity? What if I don’t want it to be special?

[Fathersums]

So recently I had a guy who I have been friends with for 3 years ask me if I was dtf. Like a friends with benefits thing. And if I’m being honest I totally am. It’s just that I’m a virgin and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve done stuff with guys before like head and what not but not actually having sex. I think it would be nice to have no strings attached when losing my virginity. I think the only thing stopping me is my v-card and also my body confidence. I’m a little bigger in the stomache than usual and I’m super insecure about it. What should I do?

[Chloé]

Hey there Fathersums, welcome to the message boards.

I hope you're okay with a little reading, because we have some articles on our main site that can express my initial response better than I ever could.

This article talks about virginity, and what it actually means (spoiler alert, there isn't actually a set definition): Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist can help you to assess whether right now, and this situation, feels like a good one to be having sex.

Finally, Seven Ways to Love Your Body, has some ideas about loving your body.

How about you take a read through these, and we can discuss your thoughts? If you don't have time to read all of them right now, any of them are a good starting place.

[Heather]

So recently I had a guy who I have been friends with for 3 years ask me if I was dtf. Like a friends with benefits thing. And if I’m being honest I totally am. It’s just that I’m a virgin and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve done stuff with guys before like head and what not but not actually having sex. I think it would be nice to have no strings attached when losing my virginity. I think the only thing stopping me is my v-card and also my body confidence. I’m a little bigger in the stomache than usual and I’m super insecure about it. What should I do?

I want to first make clear that whether we're talking about the first time someone chooses to do something sexual or the 500th time, that should always be all about what you want, your own choices, wand what feels right for you.
Too, we are always learning more about what is or isn't right for us through experience, and we're often going to do things and sometimes find out we were right about what we thought we wanted or needed, other times find out we were wrong, and other times still, will just find out more specifically about what's good or bad for us, right or wrong, what meets our wants and needs and what doesn't. There's so rarely, if ever, a situation where we can somehow know every single part of what we want or need in advance, or make a sexual choice that goes exactly as we thought, feels exactly as we thought it would, or meets our wants and needs perfectly. Because there's someone else and all their stuff in the mix, that, all by itself, makes that kind of predictability impossible.

What do YOU feel like you want from a first time with sexual intercourse? Don't worry about what you feel like you're supposed to want or need, or what other people think or say about specialness or any of their other wants. This is supposed to be about you and whoever else is involved, not anyone else. Can you talk a little about what you feel like your own wants and needs here are? If you need help getting started thinking about it, you might first think about some of the most basic stuff, like pleasure, safety, communication, and respect. What do you want and need around those things with someone with this kind (or any other kind) of sexual experience?

I hear you, right now, suggesting that the situation offered to you sounds good except that you're primarily concerned about your insecurities about your body. So, how do you think this partner might be around that? Do you think they'd be someone who you could feel comfortable with even with that body image stuff? Do you think they'd be supportive and mature about it?

Too, have you considered not rushing all the way into intercourse with this person (which will often go poorly when people are brand-new to each other sexually, or brand new to being sexual with others, especially with first times) right away, but instead, seeing how things go and how you feel if you're sexual with them in less advanced ways first -- like maybe just making out? That's what I'd suggest, with pretty much anybody, no matter their level of experience. That way you can find out if you even like and feel good about being sexual with this person at all before you dive all the way into the deep end. If it stinks to make out with them, or just doesn't feel right, for example, intercourse with them is probably really going to suck, so it'd probably be a bad idea to go forward with that if you don't want a sucky experience. Know what I mean?

[Fathersums]

Heather thank you so much for reaching out to me. I’ve thought about the questions you asked and what u pointed out. I want my first time to be spontaneous and fun. Not something with so much heart and feelings if that makes sense. I don’t really want to have such a strong connection with the person I lose it to. I’d like for it to be a friend and of course someone I can trust. I want to be able to look back and think wow that was fun and not think “wow I loved him so much” “he was my first time. My first love” and be heart broken. I also need someone I can trust which I feel like I can with him cuz we are good friends. I need someone who has the same enthusiasm I do. I need someone who respects me enough to be aware of my boundaries. I also need to be able to tell him how I feel about the sex. Like if it’s good or bad, what he likes/doesn’t like,what I like/don’t like, and vice versa. Condoms are a big thing for me mostly because I’m not a bc.
I am still concerned about how he will look at my body. I have heard him say he doesn’t mind chubby girls but I just don’t know. I don’t think he’s be in mature just maybe turned off. But I also need to be confident before I go into this and that’s honestly what’s mostly keeping me from doing it.
I never thought about not rushing in but now that u mentioned it I think that’s an amazing idea. Because there is a chance that the spark just isn’t there. Or the comfortbilty either.

[Heather]

Happy to be of help.

It sounds like you are actually super-clear about what you want. That’s great! I’d suggest just keeping all of that in the front of your mind and really leading with those things with these choices. Figure what doesn’t fit most of that? Is a dealbreaker. Stick to what fits with what you want.

I would suggest you also add to that list that any sexual partner of yours has a real appreciation, respect and desire for your body, not that they just “don’t mind it.” (Personally, I find people even talking that way about someone’s body or any general kind of body gross, and I agree with you it tends to show a real lack of emotional maturity.) You — as everyone does — deserve a partner who is super into your body, not who grudgingly accepts it, you know? Someone, anyone, is lucky to be intimate with you and your body. This guy, any guy, should be so lucky!