Scarleteen

While I've had crushes on girls ever since I first started dating boys, I have found them almost impossible to act on. I suppose the fact that boys pursued me and girls didn't, and that the idea a beautiful girl could be interested in me didn't make sense (I guess it still doesn't), I've only ever experienced things with men.

I have been in a relationship with a lovely boy for a year now. He is very comfortable with me talking about my feelings towards girls, a long term crush in particular, and often encourages me to pursue her and find out where it leads. Everyone in my life I have talked to about my situation has encourages me to do so as well, as if I "won't know until I try it".

I have a complex relationship with my bisexuality because I feel like in order for my feelings to be considered valid (by others mostly, but myself a little too), I have to have a "real" experience with a girl. I feel so frustrated, guilty and unfaithful to my boyfriend... even though I know he's more okay with it than I am.

So what do I do? Can I justify pursing women as self-discovery when I already know who I am? Do I need to have a bisexual experience with another person before I can consider myself bisexual?

How can I come to terms with my feelings without exploring them - is it possible?
Do my feelings towards women contradict being in a relationship with a boy?

I'm feeling really confused... maybe this topic is more about polyamery than bisexuality. I honestly don't know. What steps can I take to start solving this puzzle?

Hi Jean,

I think a big question here, at least in terms of possibly pursuing an additional relationship with a woman is: is that something you want to do or are interested in exploring? Or does it feel more like something you're supposed to do to prove your feelings are valid?

If it helps, the answer to many of your questions is that you don't need to do or prove anything before you can consider yourself bi. Plenty of bi women date or marry men, some without ever dating women, and that doesn't make them any less bi (the same goes for bi women who end up in long term relationships with other women). It sounds like this article might be helpful for you to read right now: Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz . Any thoughts on all that?

I also want to add that you’re not in a straight/heterosexual relationship, because you’re a bisexual person. Relationships can’t have orientations in the first place, because orientation is about individual people. But even if they could, a relationship that included you as a personal couldn’t somehow not also be inclusive of your identity...

...unless it isn’t. By that, I mean that some relationships may NOT consider or support your identity, or may even seek to deny or dismiss it. If and when that feels like the case, you’ll want to address that. Thankfully, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.

But I mentioned it primarily to be sure you got the message that being in a relationship with a guy doesn’t somehow make you straight, not bisexual or any less bisexual. <3