Hello Scarleteen.
So, recently I fell in love for the first time with a guy I had been good friends with for a year and 1/2. He is the boy I lost my virginity to. I am a straight girl. A few months before we started dating he told me he was Bi and I told him that I was happy for him coming out and supported him.
When we first started dating he was quick to perform a lot of oral sex on me. He ate me out and sucked my titties for long periods of time and fingered me so good and long would sometimes say he "just wanted to focus on me." I felt so incredibly lucky/happy and worshipped to have a first boyfriend who I loved and who did this for me.
Later that week we had penis in vagina sex for the first time. He didn't cum but i thought it was bc it was my first time and I wasn't good at it. I could still make him cum when I gave him blow jobs.
The second time we had penis in vagina sex it just really wasn't working out and he stopped and said that penis in vagina sex just "really wasn't his thing." I was like "That's ok baby. I'm glad you told me," because I still loved him and at the time felt the other kinds of sex were enough for me. I also just wanted to be accepting of his accommodations especially since I felt he had been so good to me sexually and patient with me learning everything for the first time etc. Part of me also assumed that him not wanting to have sex that way was part of his bisexuality.
Now we are broken up bc he had to move out of the country. But when I told my therapist about him not wanting to have penis in vagina sex with me she said that he could have done that out of narcissism. She said he was building me up with the oral sex worshipping then putting me down by making me feel like he didn't want to have p in v sex with me.
I had never thought about it this way but after looking back at the time we spent both as friends and as boyfriend and girlfriend there were so many times where he would make me feel like a queen one moment and then after say things to me that would make me feel really hurt and really inferior like he was so many levels better than me. Sometimes I would tell him when the things he'd say would hurt me or make me cry and he'd just laugh/not apologize so I thought I was just being too sensitive.
Are there some Bi guys that just don't like dick in pussy sex or is this something different?
Covert Narcisism or something else?
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Sam W
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Re: Covert Narcisism or something else?
Hi bitchy,
There are a few different things going on here that have kind of gotten mushed together, so let's pull them apart and have a look.
For starters, I think your therapist was off the mark with her assumption about why he didn't want to engage in vaginal intercourse. You mention that the other sexual activities were enough for you, so it's quite possible that they were enough for him as well and/or he found that vaginal intercourse just wasn't as enjoyable for him as those other things were. There's often an assumption that vaginal intercourse is the peak of sex, especially for guys, but the reality is that people have hugely varied sexual tastes. So, it's likely that's what was going on rather than narcissism. There's also no reason to assume that his bisexuality was what was driving that preference unless he said that it was. Every bi person will have slightly different preferences in terms of what sexual activities they like and don't like. Does that all make sense?
That all being said, it sounds like there were other parts of the relationship where he wasn't treating you well. Laughing or not apologizing when you make a partner cry doesn't mean that partner is too sensitive, it usually means you're being a jerk. Have you talked about that dynamic at all with your therapist?
There are a few different things going on here that have kind of gotten mushed together, so let's pull them apart and have a look.
For starters, I think your therapist was off the mark with her assumption about why he didn't want to engage in vaginal intercourse. You mention that the other sexual activities were enough for you, so it's quite possible that they were enough for him as well and/or he found that vaginal intercourse just wasn't as enjoyable for him as those other things were. There's often an assumption that vaginal intercourse is the peak of sex, especially for guys, but the reality is that people have hugely varied sexual tastes. So, it's likely that's what was going on rather than narcissism. There's also no reason to assume that his bisexuality was what was driving that preference unless he said that it was. Every bi person will have slightly different preferences in terms of what sexual activities they like and don't like. Does that all make sense?
That all being said, it sounds like there were other parts of the relationship where he wasn't treating you well. Laughing or not apologizing when you make a partner cry doesn't mean that partner is too sensitive, it usually means you're being a jerk. Have you talked about that dynamic at all with your therapist?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.