sad because of my masturbation habits

[sonatine6728]

hi so ive written on here frequently and i feel very hopeless. I masturbate by humping something hard like the edge of the bathtub and its the only way i can orgasm. i try other clit play and light penetration from my own fingers, it feels nice but i don't orgasm and its very unsatisfactory. I really want to be able to orgasm from other ways so it is compatible with true partner sex. i feel very sad that i probably wont ever be able to orgasm from my boyfriend and im really upset about this. i know you guys will say stuff like "any orgasm is good and you can work this method in with a partner" but i have tried and it hasnt worked out. What can i do???? i feel like crying about it. i have tried abstaining from this method and practicing other ways but it hasn't worked i just feel so angry and upset i wish i was different.

[Sam W]

Hi sonatine,

I'm sorry this is causing you so much distress. The tricky thing is, at a certain point your body likes what it likes and if you're trying to find more things it likes you just have to keep experimenting (too, have tried experimenting with things like sex toys to see if those introduce the sensations you're looking for?) . Have you actually tried to replicate the sensations you like while masturbating during sex with your partner? Or is that something you're hesitant to do?

You mention that you worry you won't be able to orgasm from "true" partnered sex, by which I assume you mean vaginal intercourse. But, the truth is that many people with vaginas don't orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone and require other kinds of stimulation to do so. I'd also suggest, if you can, practicing thinking about sex as being about more than simply orgasm and instead being about feeling pleasure and closeness with another person. Does that make sense?

[sonatine6728]

We have tried him fingering me (which is him playing with my clit using pressure), which felt good and i felt like i would get really close but he would get too tired because he would need to go very fast and press fairly hard or, there wouldn't be a true climax, it would feel really good and then drop off a cliff. im not sure if thats an orgasm, because when i get my orgasm from my usual method, the orgasm feels more spread out and less localized. we're 16 so sex toys are sort of out of the equation.

i recognize that i probably would never orgasm from PIV sex alone, but i want to learn to orgasm from a gentler stimulation that is easier to perform and less rough on my body. i am worried i won't really feel pleasure from oral because its not hard enough, is it possible to retrain what i like??

I will try to think of it more positively and just focus on it feeling good rather than the goal of the orgasm, because it DOES feel good with him but i feel like i ruined my ability to orgasm with any partner because of this habit which makes me really sad. i want to have that experience with a partner, from my partner. i enjoy being able to make my partner orgasm and feel good and i know he wants that too and i feel like its my fault that he can't.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you two are doing some experimenting together, which is great! It's possible you are orgasming from manual sex, as orgasms don't always feel the same way from day to day. If you're interested in learning more about that, this is a great place to do so: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide . If you and he are interested in experimenting with the sensations sex toys might offer, there are ways to safely D.I.Y them without needing to be old enough to access a sex toy store: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition

If you can, it may help to stop thinking in terms of having "ruined" something or somehow being at fault. You found a way to masturbate that worked for you, and now you're trying to find some other things that also feel good and help you orgasm. There's no guarantee you'll be able to retrain your body, but you may find that the more you try other things the more you find other types of sensations that work for you. Too, continuing to experiment on your own with other ways of masturbation is an option as well. Do those things feel doable to you?

[sonatine6728]

I will keep trying to experiment and work on enjoying other sensations. yes it feels doable, and might take some work but i know it will feel worth it in the long run, thank you!

[Heather]

I'd add that masturbation is supposed to be about pleasure. So, if the doing doesn't feel good? If it feels like work instead of play? Not only is it unlikely to result in the kinds of things you're after here, that kind of masturbating -- where it feels like a duty or a job, not a pleasure -- can wind up adding extra drags and bummers to all of this instead of helping.