my boyfriend doesn't want aftercare...

[lovebuggy]

hey, i'm 19 and i've been in an amazing relationship with my boyfriend for about 8 months. we've had sex lots of times, and we, uh, do some kind of "out there" things during it. mostly involving roleplay. shh.

anyway, the point is that some of the scenes we have can be kind of... intense. sometimes it even involves degradation, which we both consented to before we started doing that sort of thing. i know how dangerous this can be and i always try to make aftercare and safewords a priority when we do these scenes, especially since i'm almost always the one degrading him.

but... my boyfriend doesn't seem to actually want any of that. he usually ignores safewords and jumps right into scenes, gets annoyed when i break character to make sure he's okay, and often ignores or tells me not to bother when i provide aftercare and try to tell him that all those things i said weren't really how i feel about him. it's worrying, especially since i know he's had self-esteem issues in the past, and i know how things cant get in your head until you start to believe them.

so, my question is: should i push harder for us to do aftercare, or is it not my place since i'm the "dominant" in this situation? i want to respect his wishes but... i can't just not do aftercare and safewords and all that. it just doesn't feel right. what should i do?

[Siân]

hey lovebuggy,

It sounds like you're working hard to make sure you're both exploring roleplay in a safe, consensual way. Do you feel like your boyfriend is on the same page when you're having these conversations? If not, perhaps at a neutral time (when you're not in the heat of the moment) you could step back and talk about WHY these pre-scene conversations and safewords are important and see where he's at with it. It might also be an opportunity to talk about what your partner needs and wants as aftercare - maybe they need to be together quietly and process, or want to do something else positive other than hear particular affirmations etc. What do you think?

Your instinct is right that going ahead with these things without some form of safetynet - safe words, agreed limits, plans for afterwards - wouldn't be a healthy thing for either of you, and it's totally ok for you to need and want aftercare for yourself too. It might take more than one conversation to feel like you are in the same place with this, and it's ok to take a breather from some of the heavier stuff while you're getting to that place that it feels good and healthy for you both. What do you need for it to feel right?

[Mo]

I think sometimes there's this cultural narrative that dominant people don't (or shouldn't) need aftercare, but that just isn't the case. I wonder if it might help to talk to your boyfriend about this that frames it as something you need to feel comfortable around some of the more intense sexual scenes you do, if he feels like it isn't something he needs. Ultimately I think it's a good idea to only do activities where you can both agree on what's needed in terms of check-ins, safewords, etc. and stick to them in practice, so that there's less risk involved.

I want to check in about what you said about him ignoring safewords - is it that he doesn't choose to use them? Or is he ignoring it if you safeword?