How do I forgive a partner who shamed me about my sexuality?

[Herstory]

Hi! I am bisexual. I am currently dating a straight man and I love him very much, but I resent him for the way he made me feel when I opened up to him about being bisexual. This happened when I first dated him (we broke up after that because I could not take the pain). He shamed me and assumed that he did something to make me bisexual. He also did not respect what I wanted in the bedroom and was very selfish and heterocentric. In addition, he shamed his two best friends for being lesbian and pansexual, as well. But that was a while ago. Time passed, we got back together, and things have completely changed. He apologized to them and to me for his ignorant behavior. He now respects and loves who I am and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. However, I can’t help but feel anger and resentment towards him for the way he treated me in our last attempt. How do I get over this pain and anger I feel? How do I forgive him for how he made me feel? Has anyone else felt this way too? I know that he grew up in a very heteronormative society, but it’s hard to think that he once was homophobic and did not accept me.

[Sam W]

Hi Herstory,

I'm sorry your partner reacted that way when you came out to him, and it's understandable that you'd still feel some strong, negative emotions when you think about his past behavior. That kind of betrayal of trust can leave you pretty wary, even if it seems like the person has done some serious work to change.

It sounds like something that might be helpful is to think about what you need or want to see in order to forgive those past actions. For example, does it feel like you need a little more time to pass with him continuing to be respectful and non-homophobic? Is there something that wasn't acknowledged in the apology that you wish had been? Something else?