Parents walked in on us (Kissing)

[Tommy, Tommy]

Me and my girlfriend were... hum... kissing in a field behind a school... her dad saw us and got really angry. Now he won’t let her talk to me anymore. He also reported the incident to the school.

Note: this was not during the school day, this was on the weekend .

Any advice?

[al]

Hi Tommy,Tommy,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend were interrupted. Unfortunately that's always a risk if you're doing any sort of PDA (public display of affection), especially if it's somewhere where people you know might see and/or recognize you. Based on what you wrote it sounds like maybe there might have been a little more than just kissing, and if that's true, is possible that it may have looked different (and more sexual than it was) to someone further away.

I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend's dad is preventing you from talking to her. Did he know that you two were in a relationship, or that you'd be seeing each other that day? Did he say anything about what he had a problem with, or why he didn't want you two talking? Has she tried to reach out to you otherwise?

What are you most concerned about - not being able to be in contact with your girlfriend, the idea of making her parents angry, or the possibility of the school taking action based on his report? Or all three?

[Tommy, Tommy]

Hi Tommy,Tommy,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend were interrupted. Unfortunately that's always a risk if you're doing any sort of PDA (public display of affection), especially if it's somewhere where people you know might see and/or recognize you. Based on what you wrote it sounds like maybe there might have been a little more than just kissing, and if that's true, is possible that it may have looked different (and more sexual than it was) to someone further away.

I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend's dad is preventing you from talking to her. Did he know that you two were in a relationship, or that you'd be seeing each other that day? Did he say anything about what he had a problem with, or why he didn't want you two talking? Has she tried to reach out to you otherwise?

What are you most concerned about - not being able to be in contact with your girlfriend, the idea of making her parents angry, or the possibility of the school taking action based on his report? Or all three?

Yeah,there may been A little more than just kissing. It was intense kissing... we were making out... I had my hands on her... The dad did know that we were in a relationship and had previously banned her from talking to me. He did not know that we were seeing each other that day.

They have a problem with me because they think I would go all the way (sex) … ( which I would NOT for reasons stated in previous message board chat)

Yeah she has tried to reach out to me but she has to be careful because her parents are monitoring all of her devices.

I’m concerned about not being able to talk to talk to my girlfriend, and the possibility of it being reported to the school. I do not care that her parents are angry at me.

[Tommy, Tommy]

Also, what are my rights if school takes action against me? Could you provide me any resources?

[Siân]

Hi Tommy, Tommy,

I'm sorry that your girlfriend doesn't have the support of her parents to date you. Unfortunately, if I'm remembering your age correctly, as a minor living at home your parents still have a lot of legal decision-making powers and are able to set some house-rules. Possibly, the best thing to do would be for her to try to speak to them and work out a way for you two to see eachother that they would be comfortable with.. In an ideal world, if you two are showing that you are trustworthy and mature they would be supportive, do you think that's realistic? If so, it's probably important to give her some space and time to do so - where you're not going behind their back - and we can provide some possible approaches.

In a situation where your girlfriend's parents are against your relationship, it's not surprising that her dad reacted badly, although I appreciate that it sucks for you two. I just want to check though, you said her dad was really angry and her parents are monitoring her devices. Do you think that your girlfriend might be in any danger at home if she was to break their "rules"?

In terms of your rights with the school - what kinds of action are you concerned about them taking? Were you breaking any of their policies? You've said it was outside of school hours, were you on school property?

[Tommy, Tommy]

Hi Tommy, Tommy,

I'm sorry that your girlfriend doesn't have the support of her parents to date you. Unfortunately, if I'm remembering your age correctly, as a minor living at home your parents still have a lot of legal decision-making powers and are able to set some house-rules. Possibly, the best thing to do would be for her to try to speak to them and work out a way for you two to see eachother that they would be comfortable with.. In an ideal world, if you two are showing that you are trustworthy and mature they would be supportive, do you think that's realistic? If so, it's probably important to givetr her some space and time to do so - where you're not going behind their back - and we can provide some possible approaches.

In a situation where your girlfriend's parents are against your relationship, it's not surprising that her dad reacted badly, although I appreciate that it sucks for you two. I just want to check though, you said her dad was really angry and her parents are monitoring her devices. Do you think that your girlfriend might be in any danger at home if she was to break their "rules"?

In terms of your rights with the school - what kinds of action are you concerned about them taking? Were you breaking any of their policies? You've said it was outside of school hours, were you on school property?

I think it is realistic that me and her speak with her parents and try to show them that We are mature. You said you had some approaches in mind, could you tell me what they were?

If my girlfriend were to break any of the rules, she would be in NO danger whatsoever. Her Parents are NOT like that at all. She would NEVER be in any danger no matter rules she broke. She is in NO danger whatsoever.

I was not breaking any school rules. I was not on school property... I was in a public field behind the school, operated and run by the town.

As for what action the school would take against me, I don’t know, I was concerned about a suspension.

[Alice O]

Hey Tommy, Tommy,

Given that you were not on school property *and* were not breaking any school rules I cannot imagine what action they could legally take against you. My guess is the dad brought it up with the school because he was feeling angry and it helped him feel like he was "doing something" about the situation, but nothing will come of it!

In terms of your relationship with your girlfriend, if speaking to her parents and addressing their concerns about the relationship seems like something that would go well, that sounds like a good next step. I can't say which approached Siân had in mind, so I'll let her follow up on that!

[Siân]

Ok, so when it comes to speaking to her parents, I'm not anticipating a change over night. If you want them to believe that you are trustworthy, probably the most important thing is that they don't find she's been dishonest with them again e.g. by saying she's with friends when she's coming to see you.

My instinct is that she'll need to speak to them alone first. It's always best to choose a moment when people are calm and not in the middle of doing something else. Then she can tell them that she wants to talk about her relationships, ask them what their concerns are and respond to them. Maybe she can show that she's really thought about this and made the effort to educate herself about relationships, maybe she can talk about boundaries or healthy relationships. Maybe she can suggest things like you guys seeing eachother around her family a bit so that they can get to know you.

There's no guarantee that they'll change their approach, but she might be able to reach some kind of agreement with them, and as they see you together and see that you're respectful and responsible towards eachother maybe they'll relax a little.

How does that sound?

We also have a section of the website for parents, if she thinks that they might responds well to it:
http://www.scarleteen.com/tags/scarleteen_confidential