Extent of my relationship

[WayOfMJ3]

Hi,

I wanted to seek some guidance and insight on the extent of my relationship. I've been in a relationship with my wonderful girlfriend for a little over 2 years, part of those two years (almost 1 year) has been done via long distance. Through some events in the beginning and some cycles of up and down since the 8/9 month mark, there has been losses of trust on my part and inconsistencies. As of late, we argue sometimes when it comes to things about what I say or how I react based on my tone which sometimes she takes offense to. Recently, since coming back from visiting her, I had said something that I didn't mean as serious but didn't indicate it, and didn't reconcile completely. Then, as she was explaining her feelings to me in addition to other things happening this week, I had made her upset due to skipping over the first two things explained and going to the last one to address. There have been other times where she feels guilt in which if she hadn't explained to me what she was feeling in the past, then we wouldn't be in a point where I had cut ties with some people because I felt she was being viewed improperly. I find myself having difficulty really understanding and figuring out what to do in those times she is emotionally down, often times I have trouble really connecting and thinking of past events that it makes me wonder if it is still healthy to continue..and I go back and think to myself that this is also something I don't want to let go of..

I know it is not entirely clear for the sake of privacy, but I just wanted to get some kind of starting insight.

[Siân]

Hi WayOfMJ3,

Welcome to the boards

I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult within your relationship. Conflict resolution is a skill that takes time and patience to learn, and even then sometimes we realise that the underlying issue is too big or fundamental to sustain a relationship. Do you feel like you and your girlfriend handle conflict well? Why not read through this article and some of the links and see if there's anything that speaks to you How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics.

A couple of things you say like having difficulty connecting and wondering if it's healthy to continue make me wonder if this is a bigger question, about whether this is a relationship that is right for both of you now. You say that you don't want to let go, and that tells me that there have been plenty of good times in this relationship, but plenty of relationships that were good and right for a time end as time goes on and people and circumstances grow and change. Knowing when to walk away is a part of loving well. We talk more about making that choice to continue or not here: Should I Stay or Should I Go? What are your thoughts?

[WayOfMJ3]

Hi,

Sometimes there are points of feeling of incompatibility and when those topics are being brought up, the realization for that starts to get a bit stronger. Plus, I've been struggling to be consistent in what I promised to do, espeically in terms of just admitting and saying what has happened with myself in events. I guess, I feel that we have both become tired? Is that a sign of having to end?

[Heather]

Tired...of each other? Of the relationship? Of life in general?

I ask because what bearing that feeling has on your relationship depends on what you mean, but it also depends on what you both think and feel about it. For sure, if people in a relationship feel tired of it, instead of feeling like it's benefitting them, that can be a strong cue a relationship isn't serving the people in it anymore, and it may be time to move on.

Other times, people can be tired of certain patterns or dynamics, which sometimes can be changed with effort, other times cannot, and other times still maybe can be, but one or more people in it all don't want to make the effort.

Have you two talked recently about the status of your relationship, how you are both feeling about it, if it's still meeting boh of your needs, and what you'd like to do about it on the whole?

[WayOfMJ3]

I think mostly the dynamics is what may be making us tired. I don't really know how to explain it or what to attribute to why I keep making mistakes

[Sam W]

If you both are tired of the dynamics, then it may be that the two of you can work together to see if you can change them. Can you give me a few examples of what you think of as your mistakes, or what specific topics your arguments or incompatibilities seem to center on?