Scarleteen

So, I did a theatre program this summer and I met a really nice girl, and we got along well, made friends, all that jazz. It so happens that just after the program comes to a close I find that she in fact has a thing for me, which would be all fine and dandy except that I have a girlfriend who I've been getting along really well with.

Under any other circumstance I would just gently inform the nice girl that I had no feelings for her and that I had a girlfriend and yadda yadda yadda. The only problem is that upon realization of her feelings for me, I was suddenly cognizant that I might have just the smallest amount of feeling within me for her. Again, normally this would be easy to discard, as I do in fact have a girlfriend (In this post I'll call her Gina.). Normally. Because recently Gina has been really hard to deal with sometimes, talking all the time about drinking (No idea if she actually is) asking me to measure myself because one of her friends told her her boyfriends size and just sort of being a little tough to talk to. I mean, normally we're rude to each other, but in a sort of playful way, you know?

So the issue is, I have feelings for a girl who is NOT my girlfriend, and I am at the moment unhappy with my girlfriend. I've already sort of squared things with the girl and I will talk Gina and tell her everything. In person. Should I wait to see if my issues with Gina pass? It could just be a crush for all I know, but I've really gotten to like this girl. I know that's wrong but I can't really stop how I feel. What should I do? I know this isn't about sex but I thought this board could help.

HI Jon!

FYI Scarleteen is about all things sexuality, including relationships, so this is totally within our remit!

Firstly I don't think there's anything wrong about feeling attracted to other people when you are in a relationship. In many ways it's par for the course. How you treat everyone involved is where you have more of a choice and deciding that is where you are now.

Something I did notice is that you are talking about these issues as directly related...

A: Dissatisfaction in your current relationship
B: Attraction, and mutual attraction to someone new (and feeling bad about it)

I actually think it could be really handy to treat these two things as a little more separate.

Sure both those experiences could give you some perspective on the other in a positive way... but I think they could both be ways of avoiding responsibility for the other.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by planning to talk to Gina. I would just be very wary of making it all about the feelings you have had for someone new, but rather about you and what you want and how happy you are/aren't in the relationship. You might find that this leads to talking about breaking-up or changing things about the relationship. These are both totally ok outcomes!

I think this piece could be a really helpful way of reminding yourself what you might want from the relationship... It can sometimes be difficult to find the words this helps break it down:

Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

It sounds like you have also already spoken to the other person... and I think it's good to have given clear boundaries there if that's the case!

Just to summarise... I don't think it's wrong to have feelings for someone new... it's just separate!