I'm confused and need to talk

[TheRabbitHole]

Hi, I'm 17 (18 in July) and I'm extremely confused regarding my sexuality. (Sorry in advance for the long post!)

I've never had any sort of relationship with anyone, I haven't even kissed anyone. Aside from the fact that I'm nearly 18 and haven't even kissed anyone, I've been questioning my sexual identity for the last ~5 years now.

I'm not really romantically attracted to anyone, but I have had a crush on 2 boys in the last 2 years. I can however see myself in a relationship with a boy. If I've never liked anyone, how am I supposed to know if I'm attracted to them? I've never had a crush on a girl but when one touches my arm or my hair my skin goes tingly. Also, most of my fantasies are with girls. Do straight girls also fantasize about being with girls sexually? Is the only way to know if I'd like a relationship with a girl by going out with one?

I think I'm bisexual, but how do I know I'm not just straight and a late bloomer? Should I talk to my best friend and see what she thinks? I could really use some help and insight, as I'm tired of going over everything in my head for 5 years straight (lol)...

Thank you and sorry for the long post!

[al]

Hi TheRabbitHole, and welcome to Scarleteen!

Everything that you're thinking and asking about is normal! It's a really common thing for young people (and anyone) who hasn't had much romantic experience with others to imagine dating others and wondering what that's like.

You mentioned that you haven't "liked" anyone, but that you've had crushes. What would you say the difference is between those two things? How did you know that you had a crush on the 2 boys that you did? How would you compare liking someone vs. having a crush on them vs. being attracted to them?

In terms of the fantasies, I don't think that having sexual fantasies about girls automatically makes you bisexual - fantasy is kind of a way for our minds to explore possibilities, and doesn't necessarily mean that we'll act on them. However, if you feel like you might identify as bisexual, or something about that claiming that identity feels right to you, then you very well might be! You might find reading through The Rainbow Connection: Orientation from Everyone and Q is for Questioning helpful in terms of thinking about this stuff.

But at the end of the day, labels are just that - labels. They're just a way for us to sum up our experiences and identities that's easy to talk about. There's no pressure to have it all figured out right now - sexuality and identity are things that adapt and change over time. It's possible that how you feel about boys and girls (and everyone else) will change as you get older and have different experiences, and that's okay!

If you think it might be helpful to talk with your friend about it, and you trust that she'll be accepting, I'd say go for it! Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else's point of view to help you decide how it is that you're feeling or what you want.

Also, you should know that not having had certain experiences like kissing or dating or sex at your age doesn't mean you're a late bloomer. There are all sorts of reasons why someone might not engage in that stuff until they're a little bit older, whether it's an intentional choice or not. Only you can decide what you're interested in, and when the time is right to explore.

And of course, if you want to use this space as a place to work through those thoughts and feelings, we'll always be here to listen and support!

[pianolover]

I'm also 17 turning 18 in a few months and I struggle with the same issue on who i'm attracted to.. And that varies.. One day I might be attracted the next maybe im not. I feel like that's completely normal and that right now we dont have to know. that things change and we may not like what we thought we did after all.. this is a good time for us to learn about what we want and need from someone and a relationship. And if you do come across a situation that those feelings and thoughts come up; try to freely express them. There might be pressure to know all of this at this time in your life but give yourself time to grow and be open to possibilities. and for now.. learn from your friends mistakes also if you feel you can trust your friend maybe consider talking to them about this..