My Sexuality And If I Should Tell My Idiot Father

[solareclipse94]

So, I told my mom about me not being straight and I was just wondering if I should ever tell my Christian father who is irritating me right now. Someone please help me.

[Jacob]

Hi Solareclipse!

What are the pros and cons for you?

If you feel that you'd be safe to tell him and it would release frustration, and make life easier for you then maybe go ahead.

That said, if you think the reaction could be bad and put you at risk, then telling him out of pure irritation might be a hasty move. It also might be the case that he could be supportive, and going in with a negative intention could escalate things in a negative way.

It might be helpful to think about how you come out to someone, and what you think the outcomes might be if you do so you can feel prepared.

[solareclipse94]

Hi Jacob,

I think my father would shun me if i ever told him. He left my mom, sister, and I behind for his religious beliefs.

On the other hand, I've been hiding in the closet about this since the beginning of May.

As for the outcomes, again, he would most likely shun me. He is nothing like my mother who is supportive. He deleted two accounts out of pure hatred for my mother. And one of them was a dog food one and the dogs were his too before he left us in the dust.

[Siân]

Hi solareclipse,

Can you tell me a bit more about why you want to share this with your father? By the sounds of it he's been pretty unpleasant recently, and in some ways you're talking about opening up to him about something important to you, which is a privilege that some might feel ought to be earned. I hear that you want to be out in the open about this though, so can you share a little more about that?

When you say he would shun you, is that something that would have a big impact on your life? It sounds like you're not living in the same house as him, but would it impact on your safety or other parts of your life?

[solareclipse94]

hey Siân,

I would like to tell my father but I know his beliefs amd how he would most likely react. And I just want to get closer with him. Even though I was adopted, the family I have was there when I needed a family. So, I't would impact other parts of my life.

[Sam W]

Hi solareclipse,

Thank you for elaborating on all this. When you say it would impact other parts of your life, do you mean his reaction may influence how other members of your family treat you? Or that he might so something similar to cutting off your mom's accounts if you tell him and he's angry about it? Something else (you mention shunning, which I'm assuming means he'd cut all contact with you, but please correct me if I'm wrong about that)?

With getting closer to him, can you tell me a little more about why you think sharing this part of yourself is an option you want to pursue to do that? It's understandable, by the way, that you'd want to get closer to him. Having a parent suddenly pull so radically far away can bring up all sorts of feelings, including wondering if there's a way to close that gap. But coming out to him, when it sounds like there's a possibility of a strong, negative, reaction is a pretty big offer of vulnerability on your part, one that, as Sian suggested, he may not quite have earned.

[solareclipse94]

Hello Sam,

Thank you. And I don't believe that it would impact my other family members' actions. But I think he would cut off all contact with me.

[Sam W]

Got it. So, thinking about that as a possible outcome, does this still feel like something you want to do? Or does that feel like a risk you don't want to take anytime soon?

[solareclipse94]

Got it. So, thinking about that as a possible outcome, does this still feel like something you want to do? Or does that feel like a risk you don't want to take anytime soon?

It somewhat does and somewhat doesn't. I just think he wouldn't appreciate it seeing as he has strong beliefs about religion.

[Sam W]

Okay, so given that we know what's likely in the "con" column of this decision, what do you think is in the "pro" column (FYI, I'm talking through it this way because coming out to anyone, let alone someone who you don't think will support you, can sometimes take a lot of picking through the pros and cons of possible outcomes).

[solareclipse94]

a "pro" is that I wouldn't have to hide it from him anymore.

[Sam W]

Okay, so given everything we've talked about in this thread, are you feeling any closer to finding a decision that feels right to you? If not, are there things that you think could help you decide (including deciding that you don't need to decide right now whether to tell him or not)?

[solareclipse94]

somewhat

[solareclipse94]

I have to go over to his apartment after school today since my sister went home sick.

[Sam W]

Okay, how are you feeling about that? Both in the sense of your wondering if you should tell him and also in the more general sense, given how he acted in leaving your mom.

[solareclipse94]

I mean, it gives me a place to go after school if no one can pick me up. But, I'm stressed about it. Whenever I go to his apartment, I emotional. Like extremely emotional. It reminds me that he is not living in the same house with my sister, myself, and my mother.

[Sam W]

It's completely understandable that you're stressed; dealing with separated parents can bring up a ton of really tough emotions. And being in the new living space of one of them can reinforce those feelings, especially if the separation is still fairly fresh. Do you have some ways to take care of yourself while you're there, like texting a supportive friend? And do you and your dad get along when you're there, or does it feel pretty tense?

[solareclipse94]

It feels pretty tense. and I will most likely work on homework. and I don't have my phone back yet.

[Sam W]

Working on homework sounds like an excellent plan. If nothing else, it gives you a way to occupy yourself, which can make it harder for emotions to overwhelm you.

Is seeing your dad, or being in his space, something you even want to do right now? Or do you wish you at least had the option to go other places instead of his house when waiting to be picked up after school?

[solareclipse94]

I mean not while he is with his girlfriend. (yes he has a girlfriend and is still technically married)

[Robin]

So you don't mind going to your dad's house, but you do mind it when his girlfriend is there. Do I have that right?

Do you feel like you could express that preference to your dad, or to anyone else?

How do you think it would be if you told your mom you really would like another option for after school besides being at your dad's house?

[solareclipse94]

Hello Robin,

Yes. I don't mind going over there when it's just my sister, him, and I. But it makes me uncomfortable when his girlfriend is there because they cuddle

[Robin]

It makes sense that you'd feel uncomfortable.

Do you feel like you can tell anybody that, just plainly and simply the way you told us here?

Do you have the option to go somewhere else in the house where you feel more comfortable?

[Heather]

Can I also ask if you have been able to talk as a family -- with both parents, ideally -- about these changes to your family structure and how they can happen in ways you can handle?

In other words, I hear that you feel uncomfortable when your father and his girlfriend express affection towards each other, but that's a pretty normal way for people who are together to interact. However, it might be that you need some help adjusting to that reality, and other changes like this, whether that's having more private space in the place, like Robin suggested, or something like a counselor just for you to help you in this.

(Just a quick ask, btw, which is to try not to use words like "idiot," which are actually ableist, though I'm sure that's not anything you intended. Thank you!)

[solareclipse94]

It makes sense that you'd feel uncomfortable.

Do you feel like you can tell anybody that, just plainly and simply the way you told us here?

Do you have the option to go somewhere else in the house where you feel more comfortable?

My sister feels the same way that i do about the whole thing. And she and I both have a room (for when we spend the nights at his apartment).