The Never Ending Search for my Sexuality (Help!?)

[Eleanor Rigby]

(Apologies in advance for how long this is going to end up being I just really need to vent)

I have been seriously questioning my sexuality for two years now and I honestly feel like I'm never going to know what it is. For the majority of my sixteen years I've liked guys. I never felt physically attracted/had sexual desires for them or anything but I knew I liked boys the best. In December of my 8th grade year, however, that all seemed to change. I was dealing with some things mentally and a girl I had met the previous year stepped in to help. We'll call her Molly. Molly and I became really close and she was the only person I ever felt comfortable talking to about certain things. By June of my 8th grade year I had developed a small crush on her, but I just ignored it. At first I thought nothing of it but soon I was able to tell the feelings I had for her were more than just "friendly feelings" if you know what I mean. It also didn't help that my one friend, who we'll call Lucy, was getting kinda touchy with me.

She liked this weird anime called Hetalia and I reminded her of one of the characters so she wanted to role play as a romanticized version of two of the people in it. She would randomly hug me and hold my hand and talk all lovey-dovey to me in the halls and in class and she was even texting me like that. I really wasn't into that but I didn't know how to ask her to stop so I just kinda went along with it for a while. She wasn't hurting me or anything and I knew she was just kidding around so I didn't want to stop her. Everything was fine until the Valentines day of my Freshman year in high school where things crossed the line. Lucy was doing her usual "I love you Italy" (weird I know) stuff and was getting really into it because it was Valentines day. When the bell rang and we had to go to class, she grabbed my hand and was walking with me through the halls like we'd normally do. When we got to the part of the hall where we'd split up to go to class, she pulled me in closer to her and kissed me on the cheek kinda close to my lips and walked away. I just stood where I was freaking out inside. I didn't know what to say or do or how I was supposed to react to that and before I could say anything she was gone. It made me feel really uncomfortable, but at the same time I really liked it. Unfortunately other kids in my grade saw the kiss and how Lucy and I would hold hands in the hall and stuff and, understandably, began asking me if I was gay. I just wished they didn't ask me that in the middle of lessons. Not very fun having to answer that question when you don't know yourself and you're trying to pay attention to your teacher at the same time. Anyways, Lucy had to switch schools soon after the kiss incident so the whole fake relationship ended, which made me happy but at the same time I started to miss the close contact I had with her. I guess I just liked the idea and feel of being in a relationship with a girl, just not having it with Lucy.

Throughout the whole Lucy ordeal I still had feelings that were steadily growing for Molly. It took me months to accept them for what they were and to realize that I might not be straight like I had always thought. Even though our relationship has gone kinda cold because we don't talk like we did in 8th grade and we don't have any classes together and things get kinda awkward when we're alone together, I still have really strong feelings for Molly. I don't have any physical attraction/sexual desires for her or anything like that though, it's just like I want to be with her and kiss her and hold her hand and stuff.

I told my mom about how I was feeling towards Molly back in 2016 and she told me it was just a phase, but fast forward to 2018 and I still feel attracted to her, if not, even more so. I also noticed another thing about my feelings towards her that's really messing with my head and confusing me even more. I have this weird thing where I just can't get myself to like a person in that way if they're in a relationship. This ended many of my crushes on guys, but it seems my head is playing a different game with Molly. She recently got into a relationship with someone she liked for a while, but my brain just won't let me stop liking her! That used to be the kiss of death to my crushes but I just can't seem to shake this one.

It honestly really really REALLY sucks being stuck questioning my identity for almost three years now and I just want an answer. It feels like I'm one of those lab mice running aimlessly through a maze trying to find the cheese, but I just keep hitting dead ends. I know it takes time to figure this stuff out and that there's no magical trick that can help me figure out if I'm gay, bi, or just going through a weird phase but I just really want to figure this out. If anyone has any advice that could possibly help, I'm all ears.

(again sorry for this being so long and for bouncing around so much in it)

[Chloé]

Hi Elenor, and welcome to the boards.

From what you've said, it sounds like Lucy was repeatedly failing to check in with you about the attention she gave you. It was Lucy's responsibility to seek out your consent for her acting lovey-lovey, it wasn't your responsibility to stop her. Not feeling "into that" but having Lucy give you that attention anyway certainly can make it hard to sort out your feelings about the situation.

Feeling however you may feel about receiving unwanted attention from her is going to tell you a whole lot more about how you felt about that attention, and not about your sexual orientation. Is it clear what I mean by that?

We can talk more about Lucy and how her actions made you feel, if that is something you would like.

When it comes to your feelings for Molly, I think it would help to note that romantic and sexual attraction can absolutely be felt separately and that neither one is more valid than the other, or necessary for the attraction to "count" towards your sexual orientation.

I know you want an answer, and soon. Unfortunately figuring out your orientation is something that usually takes time, and the way that people identify is never set in stone, people can and sometimes do change the terms that they use. It can be helpful to recognize that you're not picking an identity forever, but for now.

The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone has a list of some of the terms for sexual orientation, to give you an idea of what some of the ones you might choose are. You can also use more than one term, make one up, use an existing term with a definition that fits you better, or choose no term at all.

How about you take a peek at that article and if you'd like you can come back here and we can talk about it?

[Eleanor Rigby]

Firstly I'd like to say sorry for taking like 3 months to respond to your reply. Some stuff happened and I haven't really had a chance to come back on here. Next I just want to say I really really appreciate the fact that you took the time to reply to my post, and it means a lot to me. And if you're still okay with it I'd really like to talk to someone about this whole thing. Again sorry for not responding sooner : (

[Siân]

Hi Eleanor

No need to apologise, we're here for when you need us. Really happy to talk to you some more about this if you think that's helpful. Did you read the article Chloé included? What did you think?

[Eleanor Rigby]

Thank you so much! And yes, I read the article and I found it pretty interesting. There were a few things that I could relate to and it was definitely reassuring to see that it's okay if whatever label I feel fits me best now has to fit me 10 years from now

[Siân]

Great! Is there anything in particular you'd like to talk about more?